Summer's Winding Down

The heat may not be winding down, but summer vacation is slowly drawing to a close. I looked at the calendar and realized we are only three weeks away from starting school. I knew it was getting closer, but looking at the calendar really made it hit close to home.

We have been out of school for almost three months. What a blessing this time has been. I was so burned out at the end of the year. Mentally it had been a tough year, between finances, new jobs, and dealing with morning sickness the last couple of months of school. Once we were done I wasn't sure I would ever want to start back.
Thankfully God has ordained times and seasons for everything. It is one thing I love about God. Our creator understands our frailty, and the need for rhythms of work and rest.
This week the school bug bit me. I attended a curriculum expo yesterday, and bought all of our curriculum for the upcoming year. It still has to ship, but I could hardly contain my excitement as we drove home. My mind was racing with ideas for field trips, books lists, and ideas for the year.

It is hard to believe we will begin our 5th year of homeschooling. I believe I can safely say I have move out of the novice phase. I actually have a 5th grader. Now that boggles my mind. I did the math, and realized that if we successfully school and graduate all of our children, I will have spent 22 years homeschooling. What a crazy, busy, and wonderful blessing!

We are continuing with My Father's World as our core curriculum. I know everyone has there own methods, and I'm often tempted to look around. Still my motto is, if it's not broke. don't fix it. We are only tweaking a few things in the language arts area. Overall this curriculum has been a godsend for us. I found it when I was new to homeschooling, and had no clue what I was doing. I truly feel God led me to this curriculum, and I have not been disappointed. I love the focus on living books, and family learning. It is a gentle approach that still challenges where it counts. This will be the first year I will have two kids in the family learning cycle. I am excited to watch them fight it out  grow together. I know there will be challenges, but the cohesiveness of learning is a great benefit to all of us.

 Isaac has also begun to express an interest in participating in school work. I have taken the approach of letting him learn as he is ready at this age. With Kaylie I was a little more obsessed with making sure she knew everything early. As a more seasoned parent I now realize how much joy can be taken from a child when there is such pressure to perform at a young age. I have tried to adapt in many ways, but I still see the remnants of frustration that periodically arise due to my earlier mistakes. Thank God for grace and mercy as we grow as parents.

I hope the new school year is a time of reflection and renewal for each of you. There are many hurdles and challenges that lie ahead, but we forget what is behind, and press on ahead. Grace, peace, and joy to each of you as you begin this new year!

It's a Calling

Sometimes I just need to write. It may not be a groundbreaking article that will change how you view everything. It may be a rehash of the same struggles other mom's face. No matter, I just need to write.

Homeschooling is a calling. I don't say that flippantly. It is not easy. It is not for everyone. It is not the best choice for every child or every family. It is a decision made with much gravity. It is a decision that comes with second guessing. Yet for every drawback you know with quiet confidence, deep within your being, this is where you are supposed to be.

I wish every day came with confirmations and signs from heaven that this was the right decision. Of course many days are filled with arguing kids, eye rolling from a pre-teen. and pleading with  my kids to understand the importance of math and writing in the real world.
You will see other families driving newer vehicles, buying the latest gadgets, and enjoying fruits of a two income home. Briefly the seeds of jealousy will try to take root.

And then the moments come. Those moments that you see eternal fruits being born. Fruits that are born of temporary sacrifice.  A problem they have struggled with clicks. They offer insights to issues you have never thought of. You overhear your boys talking about deeper, spiritual things as they lie in their beds at night. You marvel at how much you have learned, just from teaching them.
Ideas are forming in their young minds as they learn to see and question things for themselves.

It is a beautiful picture, that may last for a moment, and then dissolve into a flurry of discord the next.
Still it keeps me moving forward because with each mountain top I get perspective of just how far we've come, and the view ahead, marked with more valleys and peaks, is ever brighter with each step.

Meal Plan Monday

It's Meal Plan Monday, except for me it's meal plan Saturday. Saturday just doesn't have the same ring to it.
We'll stick with Meal Plan "Monday" for literary, rhythmic purposes.

I dread meal planning. It used to be all fun and games those first few weeks of marriage.
Those were the days when it still felt like I was playing house and pretending to be a grownup.
Every week I relished browsing new recipes, flexing my creative muscles in the kitchen, and planning the perfect meal for my husband to come home to.

Fast forward twelve years, three kids, a dog, and a zillion other responsibilities later and meal planning just seems to lose its pzazz.
Suddenly you find yourself just scrounging for something edible to place on the table praying there are enough vitamins and minerals to qualify it as sustenance.
I love to cook, but let's face it, cooking takes times.
Now this is no foodie blog, and I haven't mastered the techniques to whole grain, no grain, meat free, dairy free, paleo, vegan, or whatever the latest and greatest is.
I'm just a mom trying to keep it balanced and real.

So here's where I'd like to hear from you. Post your favorite quick meal to put on the table after a busy day. It can come from any dietary influence. I just want to hear what works for your family. I ask only three things.

1. It must be something you've actually made
2. It must take less than 45 minutes
3. It must be tasty!

Ready, set, go!

Traveling With Kids

Yes, this is my children crashing at Miami International airport at around 2 in the morning. Yes, they are sleeping on trash bags. The cleaning crew took pity on us and graciously lent us these "sleeping bags" for the night.
Traveling is not easy. It's never predictable. Throw in little ones and you have the recipe for....well let's just say it can get a little crazy.

I love traveling, and once I had kids that itch didn't go away. I spent a lot of time in airports growing up, and I couldn't imagine not bringing my kids along for the ride. Of course it all sounds good until your two year old has a meltdown outside the terminal Chili's while your trying to hold them still, wearing heels, and everyone is looking at you like you're some psychotic kidnapper.
This may or may not have happened to me.

Now before you get scared and cancel all plans to travel until your kids turn 18, hear me out.
While we've had some crazy experiences, we've also made some of our greatest memories with our children. Yes we still love to laugh and reminisce about spending the night at Miami airport.
While I am by no means an expert,  I'd like to share some of my tips for traveling with little ones in tow.

1. Include older kids in planning. As a kid I loved nothing more than helping my dad plan trips. We would get guide books that I would pour over for weeks. It really made me feel apart of the experience. Let your kids plan a few outings or activities. We also love to add to the anticipation by making a countdown calendar a few months ahead.

2. Pack light.
I know the tendency is to go overboard. Unless you're traveling to the bush in Africa, I promise you a Target or the equivalent is never far. Most hotel chains also offer a laundry facility. You have enough necessary gear with strollers and car seats. Keep the suitcases light, and your mind free from clutter as you prepare to leave.

3. Get Excited! I know this may sounds weird, but your kids feed off your energy. If you are worrying and dreading the experience they will act accordingly. If they know you're excited, they will have a much more positive view of what's to come.

4. Be prepared to take it slow. Arrive early at the airport.. Allow your family time to assimilate and go through security in a relaxed manner. Nothing stresses me out more than rushing and running late. If you can eliminate that stress you are better prepared to work with your kids and patiently guide them through the process.

5. Snacks are essential. While you can't bring liquids through security, I always pack a few snacks. It doesn't hurt  to have a few sweet treats for times when we are all at our wits end.

6. Bring entertainment but refer to rule #1. I have read many moms who pack lots of entertainment baggies full of dollar store items to occupy kids. If it works for you that's great, but I find that the more stuff we bring the more time I spend fishing for it under the seats. We keep it simple, a few crayons, blank paper, a favorite toy or stuffed animal, a book, and an electronic device for the older ones. For some reason Sky Mall magazine has the magical ability to mesmerize kids for extended periods of time. Take advantage of this.

7. Give your kids/babies permission to not be perfect. This is a hard one.We all feel the stares of the passengers when we board with our kids. I'm sure you know the petrified nervous looks as we approach a seat quickly followed by a sigh of relief as we pass on to the next row. We all know the horror stories of children screaming or running up and down the aisles out of control. While I don't advocate gross misbehavior, our kids are human. They won't be perfect, and we need to understand that. I've seen many adults on planes who misbehave much worse than children. If you are doing your best to correct when necessary, and being mindful of those around you, let those stares and comments roll off your back. You're on vacation!

8. Get some Earplanes. These great little earplugs are very helpful for children as they deal with pressure during take off and landing. You can purchase them at almost any drugstore. I suggest getting a few pairs as we tend to lose them during travel.

9. Give yourself permission to break some routines. We take vacations for a break from our everyday rhythms and routines. Kids need this too. While your baby or toddler may still need certain routines, give yourself permission to be flexible with your kids.

10. Get out and have an adventure! While everyone has a different budget and schedule, take time for these special moments with your family. It's not always easy or perfect, but the lifetime of memories are worth every ounce of effort and planning.

A Year in Review

It's 5 a.m. and I'm on the road. If you had asked me where I would be at this time last New Year's Eve, this would not have crossed my mind. This is life, down to one 10 year old car, back in the workforce, unexpected pregnancy, unexpected miscarriage, and trusting God for every dollar to make ends meet.

We often don't see our pride in self sufficiency. It's a sneaky little sin that is hard to perceive as evil in a land that was built on hard work and self reliance.
This year God loved me so much that He took out the mirror to show me more of my own weakness.

The best part about God is that He doesn't pull out the mirror and then proceed to laugh and deride you.
No, instead He tenderly picks up the pieces of the card house you perceived as a mansion. He then begins to replace it with solid truth. He begins to build something that will last far beyond this momentary affliction, far beyond these earthly materials we hold so dear.

I've spend a lot of time lamenting 2014 and praying it would soon be over. As I survey the trodden terrain of the year past, I am gripped with the reality that I am loved. I am so loved by a Father that will not leave me in my sin. I am loved by a Father who desires to bring eternity out of the dusty caverns of my soul and to the forefront of my heart.
I am loved by the Creator of the universe, and that is enough.

The "M" Word Part 1.

I was 20 years old standing in the bathroom staring in utter disbelief at the two pink lines glaring back at me.
How could this happen? I had life so carefully planned. I was 20 for goodness sakes, in the middle of college and working at Starbucks. This was not the life I had planned. I knew it could have been worse. I was married so I didn't have to wonder who the father was or worry about telling a boyfriend who would possibly bolt, but in that moment it didn't matter. All I knew was that MY plans had been thrown drastically off course. I didn't hate kids. I just wasn't in a hurry to have any, and I was never one to go gaga over babies.
I saw myself as a college graduate with a great career, a house, and lots of travel. Kids could come later...much much later.

As I tried to process all that those pink lines meant my husband was the exact opposite. He was over the moon happy and quickly went to work making new plans for our life as a family. I couldn't understand his enthusiasm. This was not part of the plan. How could he so quickly shift gears and start a new plan?
We butted heads often at my lack of enthusiasm.  One night in my own frustration I remember stating something along the lines of wishing this never had happened. He was so hurt he replied, "Maybe you're right."

In that moment my own words broke something in me. The realization that my child was growing inside of me and I was wishing him or her away. I can't say it was instantaneous, but slowly something in my heart began to change. The heart of a mother was born in me that day. It wasn't me or my nature, but God was doing something deep in my soul. Slowly I began to love that child fiercely. It was a love I had never known, but I knew it was transforming everything I had known for the rest of my life.

Looking back. Moving Forward

Today we will write the last lines of the last chapter for the 2013-2014 homeschool year.
You would think that with three years under my belt I would be more sure of myself. I end the year with gratefulness and much fear and trembling. The weight of the responsibility God has put upon me to educate my children is sometimes quite heavy. Of course I swiftly realize this heaviness is my own doing, and I quickly repent and let Jesus carry the load.
I will say we have come to a place that I cannot imagine doing anything else. I have seen God knit our family together in an even closer way. We are daily forced to look in the mirror and realize that to work together we must give up pride and selfishness.

We chose homeschooling because we first and foremost felt the great responsibility to provide our children's educational foundation. I also personally had a distaste for the test mills our schools have become. I desired my children to truly learn and to love it, not to  merely cram for a test they would soon forget. I wanted to celebrate their individual personalities and strengths.
Fast forward three years in and I often find myself preoccupied with what my children know. Worrying that they might not measure up to other kids. I was slowly becoming an apologist for our homeschooling ways to strangers who question our decisions in public.
Then it hit me. Am I doing this all so my kids will be indistinguishable in a crowd? Are our core values to work so hard in orde please men?

I fell into the trap. I lost vision of this whole thing called education. Of course I set standards for my children. I want to see them flourish and excel, but not so they can prove to some stranger they're not one of those "weird," homeschooled kids. I desire that they have intelligence tempered with character, love for people that softens selfish ambition, and wisdom that permeates every decision they will face as they grow and leave this home. Most importantly I pray that they are pleasing to God. I cannot force these things. I cannot build robots after my own will. What I will strive to do is be the greenhouse for their little souls by allowing the sunshine in. This is not hiding them from the world, but providing a safe place to grow and be nurtured until my little one's are ready to put roots down in that big, wide world.

Today we celebrate all that has been accomplished. I am so proud of my children. They put up with me and that says a lot! They have worked hard. We have laughed and cried. We've worked through a lot of junk. We haven't arrived, but we are on our way. Now we enter the reward in this season of rest, and prepare our hearts for the new year to come.

Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better 
Colossians 1:10

Culmination of Anticipation

Am I the only one with a twinge of sadness on Christmas Eve? I'm excited, but it all ends so quickly. Really the anticipation started for me near the end of September and early October. Not that I really start a countdown to Christmas. It's more that autumn ushers in a time of many traditions and purposeful family togetherness that all culminate in the celebration of Christmas.

As we slide into the new year, things will calm down. Life will pick up it's usual steady pace. People will buckle down at work and school for the winter months knowing that the next real break is quite a ways down the road.

I am okay with this. It is the rhythm of life and our greatest revelry would be nothing without these cycles.
Still as I sit back and watch my little one's eyes sparkle with excitement and anticipation I can't help but think it all goes by so fast.

A Time to Reflect

The season of advent is upon us. I cannot quench the childlike expectancy that begins to rise in my heart as we enter the season of joy, family, and togetherness, I don't pretend to believe Jesus was born in December. I understand so many rituals have pagan origins. Yet I am grateful, because He was born we have redemption. The invasion of our Saviour to our humble world is worth celebrating whether that time was chosen to be February, June, or August.

What I love about this season is how the ordinary becomes extraordinary. Plain houses suddenly become dazzling light displays, a family meal suddenly becomes a special occasion, the fire dances a little higher, and our hearts feel just a little fuller.
What a beautiful picture displayed of that amazing event.  When Jesus made his grand entrance it was into a plain, broken, and ugly world. The setting wasn't dazzling. The conditions far from perfect, but this was from the natural perspective. For some brief moments shepherds, mere mortals, got a glimpse of what was happening in the spiritual realm  It was something glorious. A force that was transforming what was broken and ordinary into something that would be extraordinary.

It is this that gives me cause to reflect and cause to celebrate. I could rant and rave about the commercialization of Christmas, but there is only credence in this if we let our hearts be led towards this.
I for one will celebrate with lights, gifts, food, and family, but it all means nothing without the Light. It all means nothing no matter what the season if we don't have the Light.

A Home For the Medranos

After many painstaking months walking through the process of praying, selling, praying, packing, moving, praying, house hunting, and of course some more prayer sprinkled in for good measure, we found our house!!!! The initial contract was signed almost two weeks ago, and we began the inspection process this past week. We were excited, but a little hesitant to get too excited. The first inspection yielded some concerns with the roof and foundation.Since the inspector is more of a generalist, he suggested we have some experts come in to give a second opinion. It was a difficult process for me. There is an old Caedmon's Call song with these lines:

My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave 
 My faith is like shifting sand 
So I stand on grace, stand on grace

Yeah that pretty much sums up me. How many times have I seen my God come through? Hmmm I think I could write a few books. Somehow each new wave of circumstance erases my memory. The bottom line God reminded me time and time again is that my home is not a house built of brick and mortar. Whether this particular house came through or not it did not change His love for me or His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

So here we are two weeks later and every issue we had with the home has been signed off on and given the thumbs up. Our little laundry list of small repairs is being completely taken care of by the sellers. As of midnight our option period will end and we will be only 3 weeks out from moving our family into our new home. God has been faithful even when things don't seems to  go our way. He has been gracious to meet the desires of our heart, and even more gracious to mold our desires to make them more like His desires.

Our dream for our new house is to make it a place of God's peace and love for friends, family, and people we have yet to meet. We want to fill it will people, love, fellowship, and the sounds of laughter as we break bread together. To all who have prayed and listened as we walked through this process, thank you, We have been so blessed along the journey. We can't wait to continue the journey with so many of you!

Why Labor?

Two years ago when I gave birth to my son Isaac, I had no idea of the lasting impact that choosing a drug free birth would have on my life. The lessons I learned from labor recently hit me like a ton of bricks as we started our move over a week ago. I'm a generally not fond of big changes. It's not that I like to stay stagnant, but I tend to enjoy putting down some roots and letting changes happen slowly. After 7 years in our first home that welcomed my two boys and saw us through many life altering changes, I started finding it hard to let go of this constant in my life. I knew this change was only for the best. I was generally excited about what was to come, but the fear of leaving behind the familiar and the walk through the valley of change and discomfort was starting to paralyze me. I instinctively began to do what comes naturally to all humans when discomfort comes into play, I began to fight. Hmmmm this seems vaguely familiar to that labor experience two years ago. As I prayed, God really began to pour His peace into my heart gently reminding me of why labor is important, and I'm not just talking about labor to give birth to a child. I am talking about the labor it takes to give birth to any worthwhile endeavor. Labor forces us to let go. It forces us to dig deep and find out what we truly rely on. Is it ourselves? Is it stuff? Is it money? When your are in the throes of labor most of that stuff really starts to pale in comparison to the magnitude of forces working within you. One thing I treasure most about my labor with Isaac was the sweetness and nearness of God that I felt. I believed in the work He was doing within my body. It caused me to let go of the past so my heart was opened wide for the future.


After this comfort from God the week proceeded to be one of those most challenging as we grappled with some difficult decisions. As I reflect back on this week I am grateful that every moment in our lives is orchestrated by God. The fact that He can take completely unrelated experiences in our lives and reveal His truth to us at other points along the journey is amazing to me. When I labored with Isaac I was focused on the task at hand. I had no idea God would work this thread into the tapestry of my story down the road.
I just want to encourage those of you who are laboring. It is often easy to become bogged down and lose site of the promises that lie ahead. There is purpose in labor. It is an exercise of faith, and this is true regardless of what you believe.
I hope in this week you find peace and joy unspeakable!

Are You Done Yet?

When I was pregnant with my 3rd child everyone felt the need to ask the loaded question, "so are you done yet?" Seriously, at a critical, emotional juncture in my life you feel the need to jump into my personal life and demand an answer about something that is frankly none of your business.
Ok, ok, I know that is a little harsh, and for most people this is an innocent question used to spur on casual social interaction. Still for some people it is filled with a twinge of judgment, as if they feel the need to make me think about the dire consequences my procreation will cause.

*Just a little side note for anyone who may be concerned: we currently home school with money out of our own pocket  and personally take care of our children's basic needs. I do not say this to pass judgment on those who require government assistance. All children deserve the best start in life. We all need a little help from time to time.

Now I am do not personally subscribe to the quiver full mentality, but I also have changed a lot of my thinking about family.
I am happy where we are as a family. I am not actively pursuing a larger family, but I believe in a sovereign God and I'm just saying I'm not closed off to anything anymore. I used to need ultimate control in my life. The older I get the more I realize how silly that is. Of course I believe in wise planning and decision making, but I also believe that sometimes when all is said and done we just have to let go.

Tomorrow I am letting go of many baby items I have kept for many years. It is perhaps one of the hardest things I will do. There was something comforting in knowing they were just a few steps away in the attic. I realize now that clinging to those items is not what will determine the future, more children or not. For now I believe it is the season to let go. Who knows what the future holds, I am excited, scared, but mostly excited.

and it's Wednesday

Do you ever feel like your failing miserable at this mom thing? I know I can google and find many mommy bloggers who all feel overwhelmed, tired, at their wits end. Of course as much as we try to relate there is something deeply personal about this experience. It is a walk that even  though billions of mothers will walk you must walk yourself. It will be slightly different. You will have to deal with all your faults and failures. All of the things you so carefully try to conceal from the world will meet you face to face as you  fumble through. I find it especially troubling for me today. I have known from the beginning that mothering did not come naturally to me. The hardest part is knowing I love my children more than anything, and yet feeling like I am completely inadequate at meeting their needs.
I start off Monday with the best intentions. I have a plan, I've prayed, I know God is with me. By Wednesday I am ball of tears huddled under my blankets trying to fight off depression with a dwindling little stick. Why during the most important endeavor of my life, raising the little ones who will be the future, why am I such a wreck? As I see all the flesh in me that is selfish, impatient, quick to anger, come bubbling to the surface, I am disgusted.

Watch Out World, This Little Man is About to Be Two!

Almost exactly two years ago to the hour I began to labor my dearest Isaac into this world. He barely missed being an April Fools baby by a mere hour and 40 minutes. Since the moment he was pulled from the water and laid in my arms he has been stealing my heart every day. I have grown as a mother in so many new ways. His strong willed spirit challenges me to dig deeper in God, and his boundless love and sense of humor remind me of the joys in simplicity. There was a time I couldn't imagine how anyone could juggle three kids. Now I cannot imagine how I could live without this precious force of life that makes our home so complete.
He has developed quite the singing voice. I personally have never met a child that picks up a song the first time he hears it. Every time he visits grandma's house he manages to find her ipod and request some crazy 70's song. Then we all get a kick out of watching him sing and dance his little heart out.
I cannot be grateful enough for God's perfect will that granted me the privilege of raising this awesome little guy. Happy Birthday Isaac Timothy Medrano. My love for you runs deeper than the oceans.

Lessons on Parenting from My Own Rebellious Heart

It's official, those terrible twos are kicking in with my sweet, little Isaac. He has been unfortunate/fortunate, to gain a very strong stubborn streak that runs in my family. I have been party to some very intense screaming fits as of late. Patience with children does not come naturally to me. These little tantrums become even more difficult to deal with as I try to teach Kaylie and keep Micah busy.
This has led to a lot of frustration and tears as I try to work through this challenging stage in life.
I have been praying daily for God to show me the best way to  handle these outbursts. On one hand I don't want to completely ignore them. I feel he needs to understand what he is doing is not right, but I also know this is him trying to assert his independence and I don't want to be too heavy handed.

Today he started up over a little tiff between he and  his brother. He turned red and began screaming and kicking. Without really thinking I scooped him on my lap and told the other kids to continue playing. I sat holding him as he squirmed, screamed, and kicked. I began to whisper to him gently telling him to calm down and that I loved him. I would not let him go until he was in control.
A quiet whisper came to me as I sat there, and a situation that would normally frustrate me out of my mind became so peaceful.
God reminded me so gently of how often I have wanted my own way. It was not always kicking and screaming on the outside, but my heart would reel in rebellion. I wanted my way and no one was going to tell me otherwise. Even in those times He never let me go. He held me close, just as I did with Isaac, speaking His love and truth to my spirit. No matter how long it takes God will not let go.
After awhile Isaac's protests began to abate. Between his sobs I asked him if he could calm his spirit. Twice he emphatically said no. I told him I know how hard it is. Mommy has been there too. Finally he nestled close to me and gave a sigh. It was a sweet victory for both of us.

Sometimes I wake up and think I have no idea what I am doing as a parent. I try to read up and come up with my own ideas and plans. Usually I end up more overwhelmed than when I started. As I still my own hear I realize the best parenting skills I have found come from the example my Father God has laid out to me.

Selling a House and Other Fun Stuff

We took the plunge. After close to 7 years of living in our home we finally made the final decision to sell our townhome. We have mulled over this for years as our family has grown, but the time was never right.  The year 2012 was a year of personal transition for us, and by the end of the year we knew it was time. On January 27th we put it up for sale by owner. I've heard home selling can be quite the roller coaster, and our short experience has not disappointed. I do not do well with change. I know many people spend their lives moving. I spent the majority of my years growing up in the same house. The most I moved was after getting married, and each move was still difficult for me. As much as I long for a new house, this is still home. It is the only home my children have known. It is where I have rocked each of my babies to sleep. It is where we have celebrated birthdays and holidays. It is where  I have loved and cried myself to sleep. It is home.
I know that with time I will learn to love a new house. I do long for a yard my children can run around in and a fireplace for that rare cold night in Texas. For now I am learning to let go, and be grateful for all God has done in this house, and all He will continue to do at the next home. Where we go, He goes, and that is a blessed promise indeed.

Can I Borrow Some Change and See How it Works Out?

I want change and I hate change. It is the conundrum of my life. I stand at the foot of the mountain and the sheer enormity overwhelms me. Have I always been this way? Is it something that has come with age?
I sit here confused tonight. It's nights like this I miss being a child.

Little Glimpses

Day to day life has it's own way of clouding our vision. The vision that looks upward to a home that will one day be forever. Ever once in awhile the heavens open and we are given another glimpse of what is really there all the time.

Late Friday night I received the call I had been expecting for days. My grandpa Walt had died after a long, full life on this earth, 88 years to be exact. I have become more accustomed to this after experiencing the more recent deaths of my grandparents on my mother's side, but this was somewhat momentous for it was the loss of my last grandparent. It is a solemn reminder that time marches on, and we will each face this day at one point or another. I feel sad knowing that I will not be seeing him again on this earth, but it opens my eyes once again to the joy that awaits on the other side.

Goodbye grandpa, thank you for the gift of life and family. Until we meet again.

Walter Taubeneck
February 10, 1924- November 2, 2012

BeThou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Words: Dallan Forgail

Almost ten years ago the words to this hymn were sung at our wedding. The joining of two broken people redeemed by God, brought together and joined as one.  I have loved this hymn for a long time, but I do not think I truly grasped the significance it would play as we began the journey of marriage that day.

At the beginning of this year I was not sure my marriage would last to see the completion of ten years. It was a sad, broken state of affairs. My heart was in tatters and my will to go on was fading. I was heartbroken, but resigned to the fact that I was quickly heading to the predictable statistics so many first marriages face today. Something deep in my heart would not let go. Chris and I both looked at where we were, and reevaluated what our marriage was built upon. If we truly believed we were just two people brought together by chance then divorce was an easy answer. Life is just a chance. If we believed the vows we took and the statements we made on our wedding day, then divorce was not an option. 

We are broken people who will love imperfectly, but we are two brought together, joined by God, one flesh. It was then we realized how desperately we needed the love of God to wash over us again, and perfect the love we so feebly try to give. I remember these words, Be Thou My Vision. Our marriage is nothing without God as the the reason we move forward. Feelings can turn on a dime, but love requires a sacrifice on the altar, a sacrifice that begins to burn away selfish motives and desires. It is quite painful, believe me I speak from experience. In the end it is worth every moment. Marriage is not a design of men, it is the design of a Creator who desperately wants to show you a living example of His love through this covenant on earth.

On November 1, 2012 Chris and I will celebrate ten glorious, transforming years of marriage. My love for him has grown deeper and stronger than the day we said our vows. We were young, and inexperienced. We were fortunate enough to have a grain of sense that the only thing that would keep us together was keeping our vision, God. Through every trial and tribulation, even at our lowest point a still, small voice has guided us. I am forever grateful for this man God has placed in my life. He loves me, sharpens me, makes me laugh, forgives me, provides for me, tells me I'm beautiful, gives me beautiful children, never lets go, and most importantly loves Jesus and has stepped up to lead our family in such a wonderful way. I could say he was everything I dreamed of, but that would be selling him short. God knew exactly who I needed. I cannot wait to spend the next 20, 30,40,50,60, maybe even 70 years with this man.

Marriage is worth fighting for. I can say this from experience. I have known the depths of hurt, and the mistrust that will try to creep in. No, fighting for marriage is not easy, it's never convenient, and it requires full commitment from both partners. It will require you to soften your heart and chip away at walls that have slowly been erected. It sometimes will ask you to give up the right to be right, but let me tell you it is so worth it on the other side. If you are feeling hopeless about your marriage today, don't give up. True love, love from God will run when everything else has dried up. It will hope all things and believe all things. It will never fail.

Beauty

There really is so much beauty in the world. Oh I could go on about suffering and injustice. Yes these things are very real. They are heartbreaking, and too often overlooked so that we feel more comfortable.
Still I look out and there is beauty. Little reminders left by our Creator to ignite something in our soul, to awaken our spirits and remind us there is more. Yes there is more of this beauty than we could even imagine. We were made for more than this. You are not here to simply occupy your small space in the world.
You are loved more than you will ever know by a God who has left these pockets of beauty to give you hope. A hope that is tied to something eternal A hope that can make any dark place light. A hope that transcends negative circumstances. A hope that comes with peace that will never leave. You were meant to make an impact in your place in your time.