A Year in Review

It's 5 a.m. and I'm on the road. If you had asked me where I would be at this time last New Year's Eve, this would not have crossed my mind. This is life, down to one 10 year old car, back in the workforce, unexpected pregnancy, unexpected miscarriage, and trusting God for every dollar to make ends meet.

We often don't see our pride in self sufficiency. It's a sneaky little sin that is hard to perceive as evil in a land that was built on hard work and self reliance.
This year God loved me so much that He took out the mirror to show me more of my own weakness.

The best part about God is that He doesn't pull out the mirror and then proceed to laugh and deride you.
No, instead He tenderly picks up the pieces of the card house you perceived as a mansion. He then begins to replace it with solid truth. He begins to build something that will last far beyond this momentary affliction, far beyond these earthly materials we hold so dear.

I've spend a lot of time lamenting 2014 and praying it would soon be over. As I survey the trodden terrain of the year past, I am gripped with the reality that I am loved. I am so loved by a Father that will not leave me in my sin. I am loved by a Father who desires to bring eternity out of the dusty caverns of my soul and to the forefront of my heart.
I am loved by the Creator of the universe, and that is enough.

The "M" Word Part 1.

I was 20 years old standing in the bathroom staring in utter disbelief at the two pink lines glaring back at me.
How could this happen? I had life so carefully planned. I was 20 for goodness sakes, in the middle of college and working at Starbucks. This was not the life I had planned. I knew it could have been worse. I was married so I didn't have to wonder who the father was or worry about telling a boyfriend who would possibly bolt, but in that moment it didn't matter. All I knew was that MY plans had been thrown drastically off course. I didn't hate kids. I just wasn't in a hurry to have any, and I was never one to go gaga over babies.
I saw myself as a college graduate with a great career, a house, and lots of travel. Kids could come later...much much later.

As I tried to process all that those pink lines meant my husband was the exact opposite. He was over the moon happy and quickly went to work making new plans for our life as a family. I couldn't understand his enthusiasm. This was not part of the plan. How could he so quickly shift gears and start a new plan?
We butted heads often at my lack of enthusiasm.  One night in my own frustration I remember stating something along the lines of wishing this never had happened. He was so hurt he replied, "Maybe you're right."

In that moment my own words broke something in me. The realization that my child was growing inside of me and I was wishing him or her away. I can't say it was instantaneous, but slowly something in my heart began to change. The heart of a mother was born in me that day. It wasn't me or my nature, but God was doing something deep in my soul. Slowly I began to love that child fiercely. It was a love I had never known, but I knew it was transforming everything I had known for the rest of my life.

Lessons on Parenting from My Own Rebellious Heart

It's official, those terrible twos are kicking in with my sweet, little Isaac. He has been unfortunate/fortunate, to gain a very strong stubborn streak that runs in my family. I have been party to some very intense screaming fits as of late. Patience with children does not come naturally to me. These little tantrums become even more difficult to deal with as I try to teach Kaylie and keep Micah busy.
This has led to a lot of frustration and tears as I try to work through this challenging stage in life.
I have been praying daily for God to show me the best way to  handle these outbursts. On one hand I don't want to completely ignore them. I feel he needs to understand what he is doing is not right, but I also know this is him trying to assert his independence and I don't want to be too heavy handed.

Today he started up over a little tiff between he and  his brother. He turned red and began screaming and kicking. Without really thinking I scooped him on my lap and told the other kids to continue playing. I sat holding him as he squirmed, screamed, and kicked. I began to whisper to him gently telling him to calm down and that I loved him. I would not let him go until he was in control.
A quiet whisper came to me as I sat there, and a situation that would normally frustrate me out of my mind became so peaceful.
God reminded me so gently of how often I have wanted my own way. It was not always kicking and screaming on the outside, but my heart would reel in rebellion. I wanted my way and no one was going to tell me otherwise. Even in those times He never let me go. He held me close, just as I did with Isaac, speaking His love and truth to my spirit. No matter how long it takes God will not let go.
After awhile Isaac's protests began to abate. Between his sobs I asked him if he could calm his spirit. Twice he emphatically said no. I told him I know how hard it is. Mommy has been there too. Finally he nestled close to me and gave a sigh. It was a sweet victory for both of us.

Sometimes I wake up and think I have no idea what I am doing as a parent. I try to read up and come up with my own ideas and plans. Usually I end up more overwhelmed than when I started. As I still my own hear I realize the best parenting skills I have found come from the example my Father God has laid out to me.

BeThou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Words: Dallan Forgail

Almost ten years ago the words to this hymn were sung at our wedding. The joining of two broken people redeemed by God, brought together and joined as one.  I have loved this hymn for a long time, but I do not think I truly grasped the significance it would play as we began the journey of marriage that day.

At the beginning of this year I was not sure my marriage would last to see the completion of ten years. It was a sad, broken state of affairs. My heart was in tatters and my will to go on was fading. I was heartbroken, but resigned to the fact that I was quickly heading to the predictable statistics so many first marriages face today. Something deep in my heart would not let go. Chris and I both looked at where we were, and reevaluated what our marriage was built upon. If we truly believed we were just two people brought together by chance then divorce was an easy answer. Life is just a chance. If we believed the vows we took and the statements we made on our wedding day, then divorce was not an option. 

We are broken people who will love imperfectly, but we are two brought together, joined by God, one flesh. It was then we realized how desperately we needed the love of God to wash over us again, and perfect the love we so feebly try to give. I remember these words, Be Thou My Vision. Our marriage is nothing without God as the the reason we move forward. Feelings can turn on a dime, but love requires a sacrifice on the altar, a sacrifice that begins to burn away selfish motives and desires. It is quite painful, believe me I speak from experience. In the end it is worth every moment. Marriage is not a design of men, it is the design of a Creator who desperately wants to show you a living example of His love through this covenant on earth.

On November 1, 2012 Chris and I will celebrate ten glorious, transforming years of marriage. My love for him has grown deeper and stronger than the day we said our vows. We were young, and inexperienced. We were fortunate enough to have a grain of sense that the only thing that would keep us together was keeping our vision, God. Through every trial and tribulation, even at our lowest point a still, small voice has guided us. I am forever grateful for this man God has placed in my life. He loves me, sharpens me, makes me laugh, forgives me, provides for me, tells me I'm beautiful, gives me beautiful children, never lets go, and most importantly loves Jesus and has stepped up to lead our family in such a wonderful way. I could say he was everything I dreamed of, but that would be selling him short. God knew exactly who I needed. I cannot wait to spend the next 20, 30,40,50,60, maybe even 70 years with this man.

Marriage is worth fighting for. I can say this from experience. I have known the depths of hurt, and the mistrust that will try to creep in. No, fighting for marriage is not easy, it's never convenient, and it requires full commitment from both partners. It will require you to soften your heart and chip away at walls that have slowly been erected. It sometimes will ask you to give up the right to be right, but let me tell you it is so worth it on the other side. If you are feeling hopeless about your marriage today, don't give up. True love, love from God will run when everything else has dried up. It will hope all things and believe all things. It will never fail.

Beauty

There really is so much beauty in the world. Oh I could go on about suffering and injustice. Yes these things are very real. They are heartbreaking, and too often overlooked so that we feel more comfortable.
Still I look out and there is beauty. Little reminders left by our Creator to ignite something in our soul, to awaken our spirits and remind us there is more. Yes there is more of this beauty than we could even imagine. We were made for more than this. You are not here to simply occupy your small space in the world.
You are loved more than you will ever know by a God who has left these pockets of beauty to give you hope. A hope that is tied to something eternal A hope that can make any dark place light. A hope that transcends negative circumstances. A hope that comes with peace that will never leave. You were meant to make an impact in your place in your time.

A Mind Blowing Truth

You may want to take a seat, this may blow your mind. Are you sitting? Ok take a deep breath. I'm not sure how to break this to you so I'm going to just come out and say it.


Jesus  is not a democrat OR a republican.    * insert crickets chirping


Does this change the truth of who He is? Absolutely not! Does this mean we do not vote or live our lives according to truth and moral standards? Absolutely not! Does this mean we love everyone, just the way Jesus loved? Absolutely!

 John 1:14
And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Jesus...full of GRACE and TRUTH.

For those of us who believe we must season our truth with grace. This does not make the truth any less true. In fact you will find grace brings us to the feet of Jesus. When we extend that grace we point others to the feet of Jesus. The feet of TRUTH! 

September Baby

September baby you changed my life forever

Laid upon my chest, life would never be the same

A stranger, yet so familiar

Sweet spirit, my heart you did quickly claim

September baby I can never let you go

But the years they keep turning

I know this day will come

For this I am not yearning

September baby I'll hold you close

You're the apple of my eye

No matter where the journey leads

My open arms, always close by

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a special day. It will mark 11 years that I have known the love of my life. It is nothing official like a wedding anniversary, but is the beginning of our story. It is a drama, comedy, love story, fraught with some pinches of tragedy. I believe every great story should contain each of these elements. Our story may not be extraordinary in a line up of couples. That is not to say we have not had our fair share of excitement. Perhaps the greatest quality it contains is an undercurrent of slow, steady love. While the surface may be raging, which with two passionate people this will occur from time to time, underneath lies something than cannot fail. If it fails it is not love.
This is our story. It continues on because of our commitment to this love.

Falling on the Rock

I sat with my dad at the hospital tonight as we ride this long bumpy road to recovery. My heart aches as I listen to nurses rattle off long lists of pills he needs to take, only because I wish I had just one that would make it all go away. My dad is strong, not because he will just grin and bear it, no he is so much stronger than this. I witnessed the most beautiful expression of love tonight. In a particularly tense moment of pain we laid hands on dad. Through the tears he whispered truth reaffirming his trust in the Lord. Declaring the goodness and sovereignty of our Father. He fell completely on the Rock. Yes this man is my father and I am proud to be his daughter.

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold

Christmas is Upon Us

A light shining, piercing the darkness. Jesus did come, and oh what a glorious day when He will come again, but for now we take pause to remember. I have read blogs and heard sermons over many many Christmases and you know what? It never gets old. It is such great news!

The time has come once again for all the yearly rituals to culminate into the much anticipated day we call Christmas. I am excited. I am happy because I cannot wait to bless my children and family. They are a blessing to me throughout the year, and there is nothing better than to give. Whether you have tangible or intangible gifts this year, there is something wonderful and sacred about time set apart to reflect on the goodness and love that has kept us together. I believe this is the core of tradition. I do not particularly care if you believe Jesus was born in December or September. It is not a certain day that we celebrate, it is an occurrence that rocked the foundations of the world as we know it. It is a time reminding us year after year that no matter how much darkness or empitness you feel, there is a Light that came to break that darkness and fill the emptiness.

We will celebrate today and tomorrow not for what we are able to give through ourselves, but to be a conduit of the love that was so freely given to us.

Have a very merry Christmas!

Eight Years

In between all the birthday madness I paused to think that in seven days I will celebrate the eight year anniversary of the day that my life was irrevocably changed. It can never compare to the day I fully committed my life to Christ, but in all honesty I was three years old and I cannot remember the actual date so clearly. Never the less this day set my life on the path to the deepest human covenant I will ever know on this earth. On August 31, 2001 Christopher Michael Medrano came crashing into my life. I say crashing only because I was a mess at the time, and my life felt like a whirlwind. Perhaps it is more accurate to say that I crashed into him.

No matter who crashed into who it was a fated journey that has taken us from the tops of mountains to the lows of dark, uncharted valleys. There is something about Chris that is a rare find in any guy. The moment I saw him I would like to say that I felt I was sure and ready that this was it. Unfortunately I was jaded and scared, but the one thing I will forever remember is his face the moment we met. He was completely accepting of me, his smile and eyes welcomed me in with the assurance that says no matter what I will always love you. This was so familiar in a comforting way, because is this not truly the heart of our Father God? Through our years together Chris has continued in this manner. I know I’m difficult and I can be frustrating. There are times when I start in on a rant and I can just hear myself saying in the back of my head,” Crystal just stop, please stop while you are ahead.” Through every moment he has stuck by me and the covenant that we made almost seven years ago now.

I know eight years is not long in the spectrum of life, but as I look around and see so many casualties in the journey of true relationships, I cannot help but feel tremendous blessing. We’ve made it this far and still love each other. I am happy when he comes home from work. I look forward to our times together on the weekend. He’s my lover and my best friend. Of course our relationship has grown and changed as we go through many of life’s milestone. We definitely cannot be as spontaneous as we were before children, but these are but seasons and that time will come again. For now I relish raising children alongside him, stealing a quick date, talking, laughing, and even sometimes arguing. Of course Chris you know it is never me who starts those pesky arguments. =)

So here’s to the love of my life. Thank you for your love and your patience. Above all thanks for your commitment to the covenant you made, and for realizing it is not always about the day to day feelings or whims. You have given me joy unimaginable and a very happy heart!

Little Experiement

Since we've established from previous posts that I'm a cynic I've decided to embark on a little experiment for the next few days. Anytime words that are less than positive come to my mind, I am going to try with everything within me to change them to something more positive before they tumble out in word form. I must be honest. I am sure I will not be perfect, but I am trying to really see things as God sees them. I know this does not involve glossing over truth but I also want to try and set my mind on things above as the Bible states.

With God so far above our feeble mind and residing outside of time it is a wonderment to me what it is that keeps Him so in love with this human race. I may never completely fathom this great love, but I want to try my hardest to see as He sees so I can love as He loves. I admit my great weakness in this area. May He make me strong.

I will try to journal some of my experiences privately and share what seems relevant here. For now I leave you with this

Proverbs 18:21

Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
And those who love it will eat its fruit.

Growing

This is the best word I can use to describe where our family is at right now.

Micah started doing something I never thought we would see. He slept through the night. It started at the end of last week, and he has kept it up. Of course he and Kaylie continue to grow physically. Soon Micah will be toddling around the house, and I know I will miss him wanting me to hold him all the time. Kaylie has decided she is a big girl. If I even call her my baby she firmly states,"no mommy, I'm a big girl!" or my favorite, "mommy, I'm not a baby, I'm a people." Where do kids come up with this stuff? I see Kaylie growing internally as well. She is more thoughtful about abstract concepts. We have talked a lot about spiritual things such as dying and where heaven is. It is exciting and a little sad as I realize there is nothing I can do to freeze time. All I can do is enjoy the moments and make the most of time.



Last week was definitely a watershed moments in my life as well as my relationship with Chris. For some unexplained reason a lot things came to a head that I had not properly dealt with. So many feelings of guilt, fear, and sadness finally were released, and we were able to have such a wonderful time of talking and sharing. God has totally shifted me in the past few weeks. There is so much peace in our home now. Not that things were always bad. In fact things were usually fine, but I know that because of underlying factors we were not experiencing full peace and joy.
As we have been going through the financial peace course it amazes that as we choose to discipline one area of our life that so many other things start coming into line.

If there is one thing I would like to impart from this whole blog is the power of release, and really letting go of the things that so easily hinder. The easiest choices are the hardest to make. Each day I am choosing to walk in forgiveness, choosing to love my family with abandonment, and choosing to let all of these choices be fueled by God's love and the work that Jesus did on the cross. Without His love all these decisions would be in vain.