The "M" Word Part 1.

I was 20 years old standing in the bathroom staring in utter disbelief at the two pink lines glaring back at me.
How could this happen? I had life so carefully planned. I was 20 for goodness sakes, in the middle of college and working at Starbucks. This was not the life I had planned. I knew it could have been worse. I was married so I didn't have to wonder who the father was or worry about telling a boyfriend who would possibly bolt, but in that moment it didn't matter. All I knew was that MY plans had been thrown drastically off course. I didn't hate kids. I just wasn't in a hurry to have any, and I was never one to go gaga over babies.
I saw myself as a college graduate with a great career, a house, and lots of travel. Kids could come later...much much later.

As I tried to process all that those pink lines meant my husband was the exact opposite. He was over the moon happy and quickly went to work making new plans for our life as a family. I couldn't understand his enthusiasm. This was not part of the plan. How could he so quickly shift gears and start a new plan?
We butted heads often at my lack of enthusiasm.  One night in my own frustration I remember stating something along the lines of wishing this never had happened. He was so hurt he replied, "Maybe you're right."

In that moment my own words broke something in me. The realization that my child was growing inside of me and I was wishing him or her away. I can't say it was instantaneous, but slowly something in my heart began to change. The heart of a mother was born in me that day. It wasn't me or my nature, but God was doing something deep in my soul. Slowly I began to love that child fiercely. It was a love I had never known, but I knew it was transforming everything I had known for the rest of my life.

40 Weeks

I sit here today very hopeful, very expectant, and yes still very pregnant. Congratulations Isaac, you and your brother made it to the 10 month club. They are only proving my theory that boy's just want to be comfortable.
At the advice of my midwife and Chris, I decided to make yesterday my last day of work. I promised myself I wouldn't cry this time around the first time I put on a pair of shoes and my feet had swollen to the point they felt too tight. I guess that is what I get for making unrealistic promises. It may have been at this point that Chris was tipped off to the fact that maybe I needed some time to rest. Trying to keep a "normal" routine with my two children that starts at about 5am gets really difficult at this point in pregnancy.
I left work yesterday not knowing if I would even be back. If business does not warrant a part time position at the end of my leave, I very well could unemployed for the time in almost 8 years. While this is a choice I made with full understanding of the possibilities, I still felt a twinge of fear yesterday as I walked out the door. Here I was finally taking the leap of faith I had desired for so long. I felt like one of those cartoon characters in an old Warner Bros. flick who runs out over a canyon only to look and down and realize there is nothing between you and impending doom but air. Of course this is not the truth, but it's just what I was feeling in the moment. I quietly worried last night if I had decided to take leave too early. What if Isaac takes another week and I could have had just a few more days of pay. What if, what if, what if.
I woke up this morning with a sweet reminder that there is something between me over the canyon and the impending doom below. God proves himself time and time again to be faithful right where I am. It's still strange for me to understand how He does not tire of my questions and little faith. I must say I am very glad He never does.

I have been able to spend a relaxing day enjoying time with my kids. It is the first day in awhile that I have not speculated or agonized over when things would fall into place. I have used the time to do some things around the house, but I am also using the time to pause, reflect, and enjoy the treasures God has entrusted me with.

May the weekend bring you new reminders of God's faithfulness. May your hearts be filled with hope and expectancy. I hope to introduce you to the newest member of our family in the next few days!

My Own Worst Enemy

It is 2:30 in the morning, and instead of treasuring every last moment of sleep before nightly feedings start up, I am awake battling the great nemesis of the third trimester....heartburn.
I should have known that Taco Bueno for lunch and a hamburger at dinner were not the most ideal foods to cram down my increasingly cramped digestive system. I mean seriously Crystal, this is not your first rodeo. Why is it that with all our human skills in reasoning we so often can't get past the first impulsive thought that comes into the head even when the tried and true consequences will be ever so close behind? Ugh! Can I blame pregnancy hormones on this one? Am I out of free passes on that one?

I will try to look on the bright side. Thank you mother nature for giving me a warm up to the sleepless nights to come. Thank you for the sweet nudge to re-evaluate each choice before I make those impulsive decisions again. Thank you again for reminding me that this is not all about me.

Spring is Here....Almost

Time is flying by for me. I still cannot believe that there was snow on the ground a month ago. Alas time is marching on and spring is at our doorstep. This can only mean one thing in my life and that is chaos. My work is in the concrete and landscape industry, so as soon as a beautiful day hits, we are swamped. I'm sure my co-workers are especially appreciative of the fact that my baby is due in the spring right smack dab in the middle of the madness. Oh well what can you do? I tend to become stressed when I cannot fix something. When I combine work stress with baby preparation stress it can be a bit maddening. I am just learning that sometimes I have to step back and refocus my priorities from a big picture point of view.


I realize I am not great at posting pictures. Belly shots are not really my thing. Almost all of my pregnancy photos are taken by my mom when I'm not paying attention. I'm sure if you visit her facebook you will find a few of me in all my ballooning glory. Of course I realize maybe it would be nice to share some of family and general happenings in our lives. As soon as I am home more I am going to make this a priority.


A couple of weeks ago we took our last outing out of state before the baby comes. It's not like we are constantly going out of state, but we thought it would be nice to take a short get away before the baby arrived. We headed across the red river to the Oklahoma City area to visit some dear friends. While we were there they completely blessed us with a toyota 4runner. We have been a 1 car family ever since we've had kids. We haven't had two cars since we were first married. I cannot tell you how awesome it is to know that I will not be stranded at home once the baby arrives. Where Chris is working now, it just wouldn't make sense for me to drive him to work everyday. The gas and tolls would be crazy. Thanks to the wonderful, beautiful Alyson we have a new car, well new to us, that will fit three children and a big yellow lab perfectly. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am still constantly amazed at the goodness of God in meeting the needs we have at just the right time. I can also only pray that he blesses those who have blessed us in ways they cannot possibly imagine.


Chris is still doing so well at his new job. I cannot say how proud I am of him. He really bounced back from a tough situation. He has really garnered favor in his department, and there is already the possibility that he could be looking at a new opportunity in the near future. It makes me happy to see him excelling and actually enjoying what he does.


Well we are at the 36 week mark, actually by the time I post this I will be inching closer to 37. Things are going fairly well. The last two weeks I was stricken with what we are pretty sure was a case of PUPPP's. For those unfamiliar just google, but basically it is a rash from hell. Basically there is usually not much to do but wait it out until delivery. I used every cream and potion imaginable. I decided to try some baby rash cream called butt paste. It has actually helped it start to clear up, that along with a lot of prayer. I am happy to say this week has been so much better. Other than the frustration of maneuvering off of the bed or off a couch, I am feeling pretty good. This weekend will be a small baby shower with a few friends and family to celebrate Issac. The mountian of baby clothes were washed and put away this past weekend. Chris has been immensley helpful keeping us on task and reminding me to not stress out. I think after this week I will go ahead and get a bag ready for myself and the kids to take to the birthing center. Any suggestions on what I should bring from other mom's who have gone the birth center route? I know I won't be there overnight, unless I am laboring overnight, but I'm just wondering what comforts might be nice to have. This is the first time I will be allowed to eat and drink while laboring. While I am not sure if I will be in the mood or not, any ideas for good foods to keep on hand?


I hope to post some pictures in the next post. We finally decided it was time to get a new computer. Now I can upload pictures without wanting to tear my hair out. If for some reason the baby comes between now and my next post, I will try and post a short update soon after.
Have a wonderful week dear readers.

Bittersweet

I had my first vivid labor dream last night. I will be 36 weeks pregnant in one week, and this is the first dream I have had about having this baby. I always dream in great detail, even if it's crazy details, I can even tell you the direction we were driving our car in. Anyway it brought to the forefront of my mind that this will all be over soon. It's not just that this pregnancy will be over. I think we have both mututally decided that after this child our family will be complete. In the past I never felt quite sure, so the routines of pregnancy and child rearing seemed a little open ended. It's weird to think that these will most likely be my last few weeks to ever feel a baby kick and roll around inside of me.

While I know our child raising days are far from over, this puts sort of a bookend to the experience. It only reaffirms that life is just a series of seasons that are constantly changing. At times I look forward to the day that I will no longer change diapers. I would be lying if I did not say the thought of leisurly eating in a restaurant without trying to keep the kids from bouncing off the walls did not excite me a bit. Yet at the same time these moments are precious and fleeting. There is nothing like feeling the warmth of a newborn snuggled close to your chest. I can think of few experiences that compare to your doctor or midwife handing you your baby as he/she takes their first gulps of breath in this world. Even when I am thoroughly annoyed with my rambunctious boy bouncing in the booth of a restaurant, nothing can hold a candle to when he stops, bends down thoughtfully and says, "I love you mommy," and plants a slobbery kiss on my lips. I also wake up to realize my baby girl is turning into a beautiful young lady right before my eyes. My heart aches just a bit that all those little dresses and hats have seen their last days with us. Once the princess phase has passed we will pack that chapter away for good. I can only pray that something better than Justin Bieber is waiting in the wings when my daughter becomes a tween.

Yes these days are bittersweet, but that is what makes them all the more exciting and special, and I am doing my best to capture each day as it comes.

Turkeys, Unemployment, and Other Thoughts

It's been a long and winding road this fall season. We went from the devastation of job loss, to the excitement of a job offer one week later. This was short lived as we found out the following week that the company decided to eliminate two of the positions they were hiring for. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. God and I had a lot of conversations during this time. We had to make some tough choices, that were not ideal. In spite of this thanks to Chris' diligent saving while at Thomson, things are tight but not too uncomfortable. The following months have been filled with job searches, interviews, and job fairs. I would love to say I have stayed completely calm and sane at all times. Unfortunately that is very hard for a woman, and a pregnant woman at that. Fridays are usually difficult. I suppose it is just that if no job prospects have panned out for the week I feel a little defeated, but by Monday God is faithful to renew my spirit. Chris has a pretty good prospect that he interviewed for this week. Of course I think I become more of a nervous wreck after an interview, because waiting is not my strong suit. No matter what God has taken care of us. I thought I would be entering the holiday season with dread, but if anything it has reinforced the things that are most important to me in life. We still have reason to celebrate, even if the material side is a bit smaller, our joy is no more diminshed.

Speaking of holidays next week is my favorite holiday. I absolutely love Thanksgiving. Of course

I love Christmas as well, but there is something special about Thanksgiving. It still has all the excitement and anticipation of holidays to come, yet it sheds all the glitz and glamor in favor of a more understated approach to giving and sharing. Instead of worrying about what to buy or how much to spend we can come together with family and friends to give of ourselves and our most precious possession, time. Just thinking about gathering together in a home filled with warmth and love fills my heart with warm fuzzies. Turkey... this is another thing that makes Thanksgiving great. What other time of year can you find grocery stores fighting for customers with awesome deals like a 13 lb turkey for less than five dollars? How awesome is that???!!!

Hmmm let's see ,news on the baby front. I am 21 weeks along today. Time is really flying by with this pregnancy. With the holidays coming up I am sure that will shoot this pregnancy into warp speed. We find out the gender of the baby on December 7th, providing baby Medrano is cooperative. I wasn't sure how excited I would be in the beginning since we already have one of each. As we get closer I find I am really excited to know. I am the mom that cleans the attic and then looks at old baby clothes and cries remembering when my babies were well babies. It is a bit thrilling to think a lot of those tiny clothes are going to get used again. My best friend of many years will also be joining us for the sonogram which I am super excited about. With distance and our busy lives we didn't see much of each other when the other kids were babies. It is really wonderful to share this experience with such a dear friend.

I have experienced some anxiety along the way knowing that I will be birthing this baby naturally without the aid of drugs. The epidural was always my safety net. Some days I feel like a strong woman who can do anything, even tackle the rigors of labor. Then there are other days when I worry that I won't make it and I may just die right in the middle of it all. I know I am a bit dramatic. No matter what my fears, I have never felt more comfortable with my birth decision as I do now. I know that no matter what the outcome the God given strength is within, and He will carry me through.

To all my readers, yes all 3, maybe 4 of you have a very happy Thanksgiving. In lean times, and in times of plenty life is still a precious gift to be thankful for.

And Then There Were Three

It was with some shock today that I learned I was pregnant with my third child. I am aware many people prefer to wait until a "safe" point to announce, but in my opinion a life is a life. If, God forbid, some tragedy were to befall us this baby would still have deserved every bit of excitement as any other. Today I announce to the world that little Medrano #3 will make their entrance into the world in late March or early April.

Today was certainly a day of mixed emotions. It is so strange, but it was like finding out I was pregnant for the first time. To say I am scared is an understatement. I spent a lot of the day crying. I feel guilty just saying that. I really am happy. I mean I think I always knew deep down inside that I was not finished having children. Still this was unexpected. I worried about money, about being able to leave my full time job, not having a big enough house, trying to balance attention between three children. I know it all probably seems silly in light of this great miracle of life. Of course I obviously have the emotions of a pregnant woman because everything makes me want to cry.

I didn't have any special way of telling Chris. He was busy with a project so by the time I picked him up I was such a mess I just kind of blurted it out. He was so happy and supportive. I'm sure it would have been a really sweet moment if I was not such a basket-case. We told the kids which I anticipated to be a little rocky. Kaylie has been pretty adamant to me about not wanting another brother or sister. I knew Micah would be mostly oblivious to this. He's never been the only child so he's always used to sharing attention. At first Kaylie looked a little upset. When we told her again with all certainty she was having another little brother or sister she started to warm up. I told her she has been such a great big sister and I know she will continue to be. I want her to feel involved, but not obligated. She seemed to perk up and started suggesting names for her potential brother or sister.

I have my first meeting with a midwife on Tuesday. Yes that's right Ms. two time epidural is going to venture into the realm of natural birth. I am quite nervous still about the prospect of giving birth outside of a hospital. I have been reading a lot about it before I even became pregnant. Of course when the chips are down every worst case scenario comes to mind. Still I have this desire to experience the joy and empowerment I have heard from so many woman who have chosen the less conventional route. I am actually hoping to have a water birth.
I am convinced that I have a higher tolerance for pain than the convenience of medical technology would have me think.

When I gave birth to Kaylie I was already dilated to 8cm by the time we reached the hospital. Why those nurses did not talk me out of an epidural I will never know. Actually I'm sure dollar signs had something to do with it. After receiving that epidural my labor slowed down to the point that they actually gave me pitocin to jump start things again. When I look back what I really needed was a gentle figure there to coach me through that last little bit of labor. Of course I just had a nurse who was inconvenienced at the fact that a woman actually showed up at the hospital on a Sunday morning for a ...gasp... a non induced labor.
Kaylie's birth is still so precious in my memories, but I still feel the pain of many decisions made on that day. Decisions I believe were made for the convenience of the medical staff and not my best interest,

Micah's delivery was fairly easy. Unfortunately my doctor convinced me we should induce Micah on the basis of Kaylie weighing in at 8lbs. 11 oz. at birth. When Micah went a bit past his due date it was all systems go. I wish I had been stronger and said no, but my fears from the last labor still lingered. Instead of working to assuage those fears, induction was the easy textbook answer. The pitocin caused me to launch into full on crazy hard contractions. Since I did not have the ability to gradually build up, the pain became excruciating. The anesthesiologist was just down the hall and was happy to oblige this miserable mommy. The actual labor was much shorter than with Kaylie. Much to our surprise Micah weighed in at 8lbs on the dot, even being late. Kaylie on the other hand was almost two weeks early. I really think God has a sense of humor in these things.

I share all of this to say I have not made this decision lightly. I am honestly looking forward to a more personal approach to maternity care. I also look forward to birthing this baby on my own terms, and not what the medical community deems ideal. Believe me I am not a doctor hater. Both of my OBGYN doctors were not bad. They simply do what they know to do in the context of a hospital setting. If for some reason I need to go to a hospital I have no qualms with it. I am just learning there may be a better way when it comes to birthing our children.

As I write I am still in some shock at the timing of these events. I am still adjusting to the changes. I know there is still a long journey ahead, but I am trying to let go. Not everything will always happen on my schedule. I may say it through tears but reliance on God is best perfected in a place that I do not have all the answers.

The Tiles of My Mosaic

Wow, life! I often feel the sense that these little everyday moments are small and insignificant. Of course I step back to behold that each little piece has fit into this incredible mosaic that is always growing with time. It's not that the picture's pieces have changed, but the perspective is always expanding.

Without further ado, let's jump right into the current work of art.

My kids just keep growing. I couldn't be a prouder mom. Can I tell you that after a long day of work in a fairly unkind world, there is nothing more heart warming than to come home to two children who smile uncontrollably at their first sight of me?
Here's a fairly current picture of the boy. Micah was starting to get a fairly shaggy hairdo. While it was adorable, his vision started to suffer.

Here is a beforeand here he enjoys perhaps a little cooler, less cumbersome style

I have never met a little boy more lovable and sweet. He is constantly giving us hugs and kisses at random moments in the day. What a gift he is to our family.

Here just might be the most beautiful girl in the entire world.

She is always astounding me with her knowledge and intelligent questions. She is never without something to say. Kaylie has a sensitive spirit, but a strong will. It is quite the combination, and I couldn't imagine her any other way.
She also loves to help out around the kitchen. Her specialty? Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches of course.What would life be without family? I can't even imagine.

We have steadily continued our daily routine. I have stayed busy as work has picked up for the first time in a long time. I do not know about the economy elsewhere, but Texas is picking up a little steam. The increased pace has only fanned the flames of my desire to be home with my kids. I am believing that this season will pass soon because as you can see who wouldn't want to be home with these to awesome kids?
Chris has also stayed persevering in his day job. With tax season soon behind things will start to pick up for him as well. We work hard knowing that with each debt that is gone we are steps closer to fulfilling the dreams God has put in our heart. Of course the daily act is more difficult, but it is a lot better when we have each other to come home to. That is as long as one of us does not become too grouchy. Of course that would never be me!

This summer will also mark our fourth year in this home. It is not exactly where I expected we would be four years later, but I count our blessings that we have escaped the mass foreclosure wave that swept the country in the last two years. It is my hope that we will be able to sell in the next year or so. This house does not leave much room for a family to grow.

That's right I said it. Not that I am making anything official, but I have actually had the thoughts cross my mind that maybe another little one might not be that bad sometime in the future. Ever since I had Micah the thought of more kids has not been at the forefront of my mind. Honestly I am quite happy with my boy and girl. It also can be a bit overwhelming as you go through those early stages and sleepless nights. I have found God has strange way of working in my heart. In the last month I actually believed I was pregnant. I've never been one to be abnormal so four pregnancy tests later I was still sure something was not right. At first I was upset. I thought of all the reasons why pregnancy was just not the right things at this moment. Fears of work, money, space, and time crept into my mind. Then my heart began to change. I know that no life is a mistake. It is God that gives life. Part of me began to finally realize that no matter what we believe we are never the one's with the ultimate say. God's plans are perfect. I am not saying that people should not be prepared when having children or be rash in decision making, but in the end God is in control. I was actually a little sad when it was finally confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not pregnant. I am not rushing into anything because of this experience, but my heart is open. Children are a blessing from God. Yes even when they are screaming or wake you up at 2 a.m.

This blog has probably summed up enough for now. I have some challah bread waiting to go into the oven. Our family is not Jewish, but I believe strongly in God's command for rest once a week so I leave you with this. May you have a Shabbat Shalom tomorrow. May the peace of God be with you.