Beauty

There really is so much beauty in the world. Oh I could go on about suffering and injustice. Yes these things are very real. They are heartbreaking, and too often overlooked so that we feel more comfortable.
Still I look out and there is beauty. Little reminders left by our Creator to ignite something in our soul, to awaken our spirits and remind us there is more. Yes there is more of this beauty than we could even imagine. We were made for more than this. You are not here to simply occupy your small space in the world.
You are loved more than you will ever know by a God who has left these pockets of beauty to give you hope. A hope that is tied to something eternal A hope that can make any dark place light. A hope that transcends negative circumstances. A hope that comes with peace that will never leave. You were meant to make an impact in your place in your time.

40 Weeks

I sit here today very hopeful, very expectant, and yes still very pregnant. Congratulations Isaac, you and your brother made it to the 10 month club. They are only proving my theory that boy's just want to be comfortable.
At the advice of my midwife and Chris, I decided to make yesterday my last day of work. I promised myself I wouldn't cry this time around the first time I put on a pair of shoes and my feet had swollen to the point they felt too tight. I guess that is what I get for making unrealistic promises. It may have been at this point that Chris was tipped off to the fact that maybe I needed some time to rest. Trying to keep a "normal" routine with my two children that starts at about 5am gets really difficult at this point in pregnancy.
I left work yesterday not knowing if I would even be back. If business does not warrant a part time position at the end of my leave, I very well could unemployed for the time in almost 8 years. While this is a choice I made with full understanding of the possibilities, I still felt a twinge of fear yesterday as I walked out the door. Here I was finally taking the leap of faith I had desired for so long. I felt like one of those cartoon characters in an old Warner Bros. flick who runs out over a canyon only to look and down and realize there is nothing between you and impending doom but air. Of course this is not the truth, but it's just what I was feeling in the moment. I quietly worried last night if I had decided to take leave too early. What if Isaac takes another week and I could have had just a few more days of pay. What if, what if, what if.
I woke up this morning with a sweet reminder that there is something between me over the canyon and the impending doom below. God proves himself time and time again to be faithful right where I am. It's still strange for me to understand how He does not tire of my questions and little faith. I must say I am very glad He never does.

I have been able to spend a relaxing day enjoying time with my kids. It is the first day in awhile that I have not speculated or agonized over when things would fall into place. I have used the time to do some things around the house, but I am also using the time to pause, reflect, and enjoy the treasures God has entrusted me with.

May the weekend bring you new reminders of God's faithfulness. May your hearts be filled with hope and expectancy. I hope to introduce you to the newest member of our family in the next few days!

Precious Promises

Friday afternoon I was hit with the gut wrenching news that Chris had lost his job. Talk about a slap in the face. With our third child on the way I had already been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety over finances, a car that we had already poured way too much money into, and trying to figure out how we could make it work so I would stay home. For the last two months I have wrestled with God over the question we all ask at one time, "Why me?" Many dark nights I struggled with God. Why did He seem so distant? Why did He place desires in my heart that He now seemed so unwilling to fullfill? The news Friday just felt like the icing on the cake, might I add really bad icing on a burnt cake. Although the news was devastating I felt more broken than angry. For the first time in months I lost the will to fight or question, all I could do was sob. All of the fears of losing everything were there, but mostly I just felt so low, so humbled.

Saturday was difficult. I cried a lot. I wanted to sleep and just forget everything. In the shower I began to sing the old Hymn, On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand. Tears streamed down my face, and finally I felt what I had been missing for some time. The sweet presence of God beginning to fill and permeate the brokeness. I had finally surrendered to the work He really wanted to do in me. Sunday things began to feel better. Obviously our problems were not solved overnight, but I felt peace. I was able to smile and laugh more. I looked at my husband and children and felt nothing but gratefulness for their presence and steadfast love. Our circumstances took on a new light as I saw an opportunity for our family to draw closer together. Finally, yes maybe this can be a good thing.

I have come to find through the years that I am a planner. I want everything to go as planned. I would like God to come through for me on my timetable, and yet I want to still have some control in the matter. What I did not realize is how I was short changing myself for God's processes. They are not always fun processes, in fact somtimes they are messy and bring a certain amount of humility that I would rather just skip on. Oh how important these processes are though. I held an ongoing argument with God for two months, and in one day He washed away every pretense I could hide behind. Suddenly I realized how insignifcant my control really is, and how significant surrender is to His precious promises. One of those promises that has continued to stand out in my mind is at the very end of Matthew. After Jesus had given his disciples their last instructions He finished off with this in Matthew 28:20b
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age

I have heard this verse so many times it starts to lose its true value. As I let it sink in it is like a warm blanket to the soul and spirit. Jesus has promised His people He is not leaving. He is not going anywhere. There are no surprises in this life that throw Him off guard. We only fool ourselves if we think we can work the system. Could I lose everything of worldy value? Sure that could happen. I believe though that God is good, and He desires my good. As I believe in that, and lean heavily on Him the good in life just naturally works itself out. Walking with God is a win win situation when I let Him take control.

As of today I have not received a million dollar check in the mail. I have not been given a raise. Chris has not found a job just yet, but I am grateful. Our money is stretching more than I thought it would. I just looked at the bank account this morning to crunch some numbers, and I was shocked to find we should be just fine through this next month. Chris has had one job interview already that went well. We hope to possibly hear something by the end of the week. I have felt even closer to Chris as we work together to keep things going. I know it may sound silly, but I was rejoicing so much on the inside today. I know I have a Father who loves me. He desires all good things for me, but what is more important to Him is the state of my heart.

A True Cynic

I have always wished I was one of those individuals that saw a glass as half full. I must admit, I am a true cynic. I don't trust easily, and I usually am looking for ulterior motives. I suppose I am a true child of this age, exposed by media from all sides, with a hardened exterior to withstand disappointment. In this intense climate it is easy to fall back to what is comfortable and revert inward. If you can't really trust anyone, maybe I can at least trust myself?

As I ponder my own cynical outlook, a verse from Colossians 1:27 came to the forefront of my mind.

to whom God willed to make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

So God what you're saying is it's not Crystal the hope for glory? What a relief! With this one simple truth all my cynicism and tough resolve melts away. There is no human knowledge I posses, nothing I can build, no magic words I can say that will provide hope or peace for myself or anyone. It is this strange mystery that God has chosen to reveal to the humble and lowly of heart. Who am I to be cynical when it is Christ alone that is our hope for glory?