Looking back. Moving Forward

Today we will write the last lines of the last chapter for the 2013-2014 homeschool year.
You would think that with three years under my belt I would be more sure of myself. I end the year with gratefulness and much fear and trembling. The weight of the responsibility God has put upon me to educate my children is sometimes quite heavy. Of course I swiftly realize this heaviness is my own doing, and I quickly repent and let Jesus carry the load.
I will say we have come to a place that I cannot imagine doing anything else. I have seen God knit our family together in an even closer way. We are daily forced to look in the mirror and realize that to work together we must give up pride and selfishness.

We chose homeschooling because we first and foremost felt the great responsibility to provide our children's educational foundation. I also personally had a distaste for the test mills our schools have become. I desired my children to truly learn and to love it, not to  merely cram for a test they would soon forget. I wanted to celebrate their individual personalities and strengths.
Fast forward three years in and I often find myself preoccupied with what my children know. Worrying that they might not measure up to other kids. I was slowly becoming an apologist for our homeschooling ways to strangers who question our decisions in public.
Then it hit me. Am I doing this all so my kids will be indistinguishable in a crowd? Are our core values to work so hard in orde please men?

I fell into the trap. I lost vision of this whole thing called education. Of course I set standards for my children. I want to see them flourish and excel, but not so they can prove to some stranger they're not one of those "weird," homeschooled kids. I desire that they have intelligence tempered with character, love for people that softens selfish ambition, and wisdom that permeates every decision they will face as they grow and leave this home. Most importantly I pray that they are pleasing to God. I cannot force these things. I cannot build robots after my own will. What I will strive to do is be the greenhouse for their little souls by allowing the sunshine in. This is not hiding them from the world, but providing a safe place to grow and be nurtured until my little one's are ready to put roots down in that big, wide world.

Today we celebrate all that has been accomplished. I am so proud of my children. They put up with me and that says a lot! They have worked hard. We have laughed and cried. We've worked through a lot of junk. We haven't arrived, but we are on our way. Now we enter the reward in this season of rest, and prepare our hearts for the new year to come.

Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better 
Colossians 1:10

A Home For the Medranos

After many painstaking months walking through the process of praying, selling, praying, packing, moving, praying, house hunting, and of course some more prayer sprinkled in for good measure, we found our house!!!! The initial contract was signed almost two weeks ago, and we began the inspection process this past week. We were excited, but a little hesitant to get too excited. The first inspection yielded some concerns with the roof and foundation.Since the inspector is more of a generalist, he suggested we have some experts come in to give a second opinion. It was a difficult process for me. There is an old Caedmon's Call song with these lines:

My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave 
 My faith is like shifting sand 
So I stand on grace, stand on grace

Yeah that pretty much sums up me. How many times have I seen my God come through? Hmmm I think I could write a few books. Somehow each new wave of circumstance erases my memory. The bottom line God reminded me time and time again is that my home is not a house built of brick and mortar. Whether this particular house came through or not it did not change His love for me or His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

So here we are two weeks later and every issue we had with the home has been signed off on and given the thumbs up. Our little laundry list of small repairs is being completely taken care of by the sellers. As of midnight our option period will end and we will be only 3 weeks out from moving our family into our new home. God has been faithful even when things don't seems to  go our way. He has been gracious to meet the desires of our heart, and even more gracious to mold our desires to make them more like His desires.

Our dream for our new house is to make it a place of God's peace and love for friends, family, and people we have yet to meet. We want to fill it will people, love, fellowship, and the sounds of laughter as we break bread together. To all who have prayed and listened as we walked through this process, thank you, We have been so blessed along the journey. We can't wait to continue the journey with so many of you!

Why Labor?

Two years ago when I gave birth to my son Isaac, I had no idea of the lasting impact that choosing a drug free birth would have on my life. The lessons I learned from labor recently hit me like a ton of bricks as we started our move over a week ago. I'm a generally not fond of big changes. It's not that I like to stay stagnant, but I tend to enjoy putting down some roots and letting changes happen slowly. After 7 years in our first home that welcomed my two boys and saw us through many life altering changes, I started finding it hard to let go of this constant in my life. I knew this change was only for the best. I was generally excited about what was to come, but the fear of leaving behind the familiar and the walk through the valley of change and discomfort was starting to paralyze me. I instinctively began to do what comes naturally to all humans when discomfort comes into play, I began to fight. Hmmmm this seems vaguely familiar to that labor experience two years ago. As I prayed, God really began to pour His peace into my heart gently reminding me of why labor is important, and I'm not just talking about labor to give birth to a child. I am talking about the labor it takes to give birth to any worthwhile endeavor. Labor forces us to let go. It forces us to dig deep and find out what we truly rely on. Is it ourselves? Is it stuff? Is it money? When your are in the throes of labor most of that stuff really starts to pale in comparison to the magnitude of forces working within you. One thing I treasure most about my labor with Isaac was the sweetness and nearness of God that I felt. I believed in the work He was doing within my body. It caused me to let go of the past so my heart was opened wide for the future.


After this comfort from God the week proceeded to be one of those most challenging as we grappled with some difficult decisions. As I reflect back on this week I am grateful that every moment in our lives is orchestrated by God. The fact that He can take completely unrelated experiences in our lives and reveal His truth to us at other points along the journey is amazing to me. When I labored with Isaac I was focused on the task at hand. I had no idea God would work this thread into the tapestry of my story down the road.
I just want to encourage those of you who are laboring. It is often easy to become bogged down and lose site of the promises that lie ahead. There is purpose in labor. It is an exercise of faith, and this is true regardless of what you believe.
I hope in this week you find peace and joy unspeakable!

Lessons on Parenting from My Own Rebellious Heart

It's official, those terrible twos are kicking in with my sweet, little Isaac. He has been unfortunate/fortunate, to gain a very strong stubborn streak that runs in my family. I have been party to some very intense screaming fits as of late. Patience with children does not come naturally to me. These little tantrums become even more difficult to deal with as I try to teach Kaylie and keep Micah busy.
This has led to a lot of frustration and tears as I try to work through this challenging stage in life.
I have been praying daily for God to show me the best way to  handle these outbursts. On one hand I don't want to completely ignore them. I feel he needs to understand what he is doing is not right, but I also know this is him trying to assert his independence and I don't want to be too heavy handed.

Today he started up over a little tiff between he and  his brother. He turned red and began screaming and kicking. Without really thinking I scooped him on my lap and told the other kids to continue playing. I sat holding him as he squirmed, screamed, and kicked. I began to whisper to him gently telling him to calm down and that I loved him. I would not let him go until he was in control.
A quiet whisper came to me as I sat there, and a situation that would normally frustrate me out of my mind became so peaceful.
God reminded me so gently of how often I have wanted my own way. It was not always kicking and screaming on the outside, but my heart would reel in rebellion. I wanted my way and no one was going to tell me otherwise. Even in those times He never let me go. He held me close, just as I did with Isaac, speaking His love and truth to my spirit. No matter how long it takes God will not let go.
After awhile Isaac's protests began to abate. Between his sobs I asked him if he could calm his spirit. Twice he emphatically said no. I told him I know how hard it is. Mommy has been there too. Finally he nestled close to me and gave a sigh. It was a sweet victory for both of us.

Sometimes I wake up and think I have no idea what I am doing as a parent. I try to read up and come up with my own ideas and plans. Usually I end up more overwhelmed than when I started. As I still my own hear I realize the best parenting skills I have found come from the example my Father God has laid out to me.

BeThou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Words: Dallan Forgail

Almost ten years ago the words to this hymn were sung at our wedding. The joining of two broken people redeemed by God, brought together and joined as one.  I have loved this hymn for a long time, but I do not think I truly grasped the significance it would play as we began the journey of marriage that day.

At the beginning of this year I was not sure my marriage would last to see the completion of ten years. It was a sad, broken state of affairs. My heart was in tatters and my will to go on was fading. I was heartbroken, but resigned to the fact that I was quickly heading to the predictable statistics so many first marriages face today. Something deep in my heart would not let go. Chris and I both looked at where we were, and reevaluated what our marriage was built upon. If we truly believed we were just two people brought together by chance then divorce was an easy answer. Life is just a chance. If we believed the vows we took and the statements we made on our wedding day, then divorce was not an option. 

We are broken people who will love imperfectly, but we are two brought together, joined by God, one flesh. It was then we realized how desperately we needed the love of God to wash over us again, and perfect the love we so feebly try to give. I remember these words, Be Thou My Vision. Our marriage is nothing without God as the the reason we move forward. Feelings can turn on a dime, but love requires a sacrifice on the altar, a sacrifice that begins to burn away selfish motives and desires. It is quite painful, believe me I speak from experience. In the end it is worth every moment. Marriage is not a design of men, it is the design of a Creator who desperately wants to show you a living example of His love through this covenant on earth.

On November 1, 2012 Chris and I will celebrate ten glorious, transforming years of marriage. My love for him has grown deeper and stronger than the day we said our vows. We were young, and inexperienced. We were fortunate enough to have a grain of sense that the only thing that would keep us together was keeping our vision, God. Through every trial and tribulation, even at our lowest point a still, small voice has guided us. I am forever grateful for this man God has placed in my life. He loves me, sharpens me, makes me laugh, forgives me, provides for me, tells me I'm beautiful, gives me beautiful children, never lets go, and most importantly loves Jesus and has stepped up to lead our family in such a wonderful way. I could say he was everything I dreamed of, but that would be selling him short. God knew exactly who I needed. I cannot wait to spend the next 20, 30,40,50,60, maybe even 70 years with this man.

Marriage is worth fighting for. I can say this from experience. I have known the depths of hurt, and the mistrust that will try to creep in. No, fighting for marriage is not easy, it's never convenient, and it requires full commitment from both partners. It will require you to soften your heart and chip away at walls that have slowly been erected. It sometimes will ask you to give up the right to be right, but let me tell you it is so worth it on the other side. If you are feeling hopeless about your marriage today, don't give up. True love, love from God will run when everything else has dried up. It will hope all things and believe all things. It will never fail.

Beauty

There really is so much beauty in the world. Oh I could go on about suffering and injustice. Yes these things are very real. They are heartbreaking, and too often overlooked so that we feel more comfortable.
Still I look out and there is beauty. Little reminders left by our Creator to ignite something in our soul, to awaken our spirits and remind us there is more. Yes there is more of this beauty than we could even imagine. We were made for more than this. You are not here to simply occupy your small space in the world.
You are loved more than you will ever know by a God who has left these pockets of beauty to give you hope. A hope that is tied to something eternal A hope that can make any dark place light. A hope that transcends negative circumstances. A hope that comes with peace that will never leave. You were meant to make an impact in your place in your time.