Sometimes I just need to write. It may not be a groundbreaking article that will change how you view everything. It may be a rehash of the same struggles other mom's face. No matter, I just need to write.
Homeschooling is a calling. I don't say that flippantly. It is not easy. It is not for everyone. It is not the best choice for every child or every family. It is a decision made with much gravity. It is a decision that comes with second guessing. Yet for every drawback you know with quiet confidence, deep within your being, this is where you are supposed to be.
I wish every day came with confirmations and signs from heaven that this was the right decision. Of course many days are filled with arguing kids, eye rolling from a pre-teen. and pleading with my kids to understand the importance of math and writing in the real world.
You will see other families driving newer vehicles, buying the latest gadgets, and enjoying fruits of a two income home. Briefly the seeds of jealousy will try to take root.
And then the moments come. Those moments that you see eternal fruits being born. Fruits that are born of temporary sacrifice. A problem they have struggled with clicks. They offer insights to issues you have never thought of. You overhear your boys talking about deeper, spiritual things as they lie in their beds at night. You marvel at how much you have learned, just from teaching them.
Ideas are forming in their young minds as they learn to see and question things for themselves.
It is a beautiful picture, that may last for a moment, and then dissolve into a flurry of discord the next.
Still it keeps me moving forward because with each mountain top I get perspective of just how far we've come, and the view ahead, marked with more valleys and peaks, is ever brighter with each step.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Friday, April 26, 2013
Are You Done Yet?
When I was pregnant with my 3rd child everyone felt the need to ask the loaded question, "so are you done yet?" Seriously, at a critical, emotional juncture in my life you feel the need to jump into my personal life and demand an answer about something that is frankly none of your business.
Ok, ok, I know that is a little harsh, and for most people this is an innocent question used to spur on casual social interaction. Still for some people it is filled with a twinge of judgment, as if they feel the need to make me think about the dire consequences my procreation will cause.
*Just a little side note for anyone who may be concerned: we currently home school with money out of our own pocket and personally take care of our children's basic needs. I do not say this to pass judgment on those who require government assistance. All children deserve the best start in life. We all need a little help from time to time.
Now I am do not personally subscribe to the quiver full mentality, but I also have changed a lot of my thinking about family.
I am happy where we are as a family. I am not actively pursuing a larger family, but I believe in a sovereign God and I'm just saying I'm not closed off to anything anymore. I used to need ultimate control in my life. The older I get the more I realize how silly that is. Of course I believe in wise planning and decision making, but I also believe that sometimes when all is said and done we just have to let go.
Tomorrow I am letting go of many baby items I have kept for many years. It is perhaps one of the hardest things I will do. There was something comforting in knowing they were just a few steps away in the attic. I realize now that clinging to those items is not what will determine the future, more children or not. For now I believe it is the season to let go. Who knows what the future holds, I am excited, scared, but mostly excited.
Ok, ok, I know that is a little harsh, and for most people this is an innocent question used to spur on casual social interaction. Still for some people it is filled with a twinge of judgment, as if they feel the need to make me think about the dire consequences my procreation will cause.
*Just a little side note for anyone who may be concerned: we currently home school with money out of our own pocket and personally take care of our children's basic needs. I do not say this to pass judgment on those who require government assistance. All children deserve the best start in life. We all need a little help from time to time.
Now I am do not personally subscribe to the quiver full mentality, but I also have changed a lot of my thinking about family.
I am happy where we are as a family. I am not actively pursuing a larger family, but I believe in a sovereign God and I'm just saying I'm not closed off to anything anymore. I used to need ultimate control in my life. The older I get the more I realize how silly that is. Of course I believe in wise planning and decision making, but I also believe that sometimes when all is said and done we just have to let go.
Tomorrow I am letting go of many baby items I have kept for many years. It is perhaps one of the hardest things I will do. There was something comforting in knowing they were just a few steps away in the attic. I realize now that clinging to those items is not what will determine the future, more children or not. For now I believe it is the season to let go. Who knows what the future holds, I am excited, scared, but mostly excited.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
and it's Wednesday
Do you ever feel like your failing miserable at this mom thing? I know I can google and find many mommy bloggers who all feel overwhelmed, tired, at their wits end. Of course as much as we try to relate there is something deeply personal about this experience. It is a walk that even though billions of mothers will walk you must walk yourself. It will be slightly different. You will have to deal with all your faults and failures. All of the things you so carefully try to conceal from the world will meet you face to face as you fumble through. I find it especially troubling for me today. I have known from the beginning that mothering did not come naturally to me. The hardest part is knowing I love my children more than anything, and yet feeling like I am completely inadequate at meeting their needs.
I start off Monday with the best intentions. I have a plan, I've prayed, I know God is with me. By Wednesday I am ball of tears huddled under my blankets trying to fight off depression with a dwindling little stick. Why during the most important endeavor of my life, raising the little ones who will be the future, why am I such a wreck? As I see all the flesh in me that is selfish, impatient, quick to anger, come bubbling to the surface, I am disgusted.
I start off Monday with the best intentions. I have a plan, I've prayed, I know God is with me. By Wednesday I am ball of tears huddled under my blankets trying to fight off depression with a dwindling little stick. Why during the most important endeavor of my life, raising the little ones who will be the future, why am I such a wreck? As I see all the flesh in me that is selfish, impatient, quick to anger, come bubbling to the surface, I am disgusted.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Can I Borrow Some Change and See How it Works Out?
I want change and I hate change. It is the conundrum of my life. I stand at the foot of the mountain and the sheer enormity overwhelms me. Have I always been this way? Is it something that has come with age?
I sit here confused tonight. It's nights like this I miss being a child.
I sit here confused tonight. It's nights like this I miss being a child.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Little Glimpses
Day to day life has it's own way of clouding our vision. The vision that looks upward to a home that will one day be forever. Ever once in awhile the heavens open and we are given another glimpse of what is really there all the time.
Late Friday night I received the call I had been expecting for days. My grandpa Walt had died after a long, full life on this earth, 88 years to be exact. I have become more accustomed to this after experiencing the more recent deaths of my grandparents on my mother's side, but this was somewhat momentous for it was the loss of my last grandparent. It is a solemn reminder that time marches on, and we will each face this day at one point or another. I feel sad knowing that I will not be seeing him again on this earth, but it opens my eyes once again to the joy that awaits on the other side.
Goodbye grandpa, thank you for the gift of life and family. Until we meet again.
Walter Taubeneck
February 10, 1924- November 2, 2012
Late Friday night I received the call I had been expecting for days. My grandpa Walt had died after a long, full life on this earth, 88 years to be exact. I have become more accustomed to this after experiencing the more recent deaths of my grandparents on my mother's side, but this was somewhat momentous for it was the loss of my last grandparent. It is a solemn reminder that time marches on, and we will each face this day at one point or another. I feel sad knowing that I will not be seeing him again on this earth, but it opens my eyes once again to the joy that awaits on the other side.
Goodbye grandpa, thank you for the gift of life and family. Until we meet again.
Walter Taubeneck
February 10, 1924- November 2, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Beauty
Still I look out and there is beauty. Little reminders left by our Creator to ignite something in our soul, to awaken our spirits and remind us there is more. Yes there is more of this beauty than we could even imagine. We were made for more than this. You are not here to simply occupy your small space in the world.
You are loved more than you will ever know by a God who has left these pockets of beauty to give you hope. A hope that is tied to something eternal A hope that can make any dark place light. A hope that transcends negative circumstances. A hope that comes with peace that will never leave. You were meant to make an impact in your place in your time.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Happy Birthday Grandma
Today would have been my grandmother's birthday. It's been over a year since she went on to her reward, but who she was continues to be ingrained into the fabric of my life today. I know I have mentioned at least once if not more my greatest memory of her. That will always be her smiling face waiting for me at the breakfast table. As a child you never really think about the life that was before you. Everything you know about a person seems to inherently be the way they have always been. As I get older I think about my own life before and after children. I realize how much life my grandmother lived even before I was even a thought in anyone's mind. I think about the trials and tribulations she faced raising her own children, living on modest means, running a small town business with my grandfather. Even though no metaphorical ship ever came in for them she lived her life with a joy few ever really know.I miss her today. On mornings that feel particularly rough there is almost nothing I wouldn't give to walk down the hallway of her house, led by the most irresistible smell of bacon and see her sitting at that breakfast table ready to talk to me and make me feel like the most important person in the world.
Even though that is no longer possible in this life, the reminder of a woman tested by time, marked with joy, a lover of God, gives me encouragement to live my life in the same manner.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is a special day. It will mark 11 years that I have known the love of my life. It is nothing official like a wedding anniversary, but is the beginning of our story. It is a drama, comedy, love story, fraught with some pinches of tragedy. I believe every great story should contain each of these elements. Our story may not be extraordinary in a line up of couples. That is not to say we have not had our fair share of excitement. Perhaps the greatest quality it contains is an undercurrent of slow, steady love. While the surface may be raging, which with two passionate people this will occur from time to time, underneath lies something than cannot fail. If it fails it is not love.
This is our story. It continues on because of our commitment to this love.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Home School Update
I realized today we have been homeschooling over half the year and I have yet to update. Well I am glad to say we are progressing right along. Believe me it has not been without some heartache. There are many days I know Kaylie and I probably would rather lock ourselves in our rooms because I'll just say it.... home school can be frustrating. I will also say it has been a glorious adventure. I know it is building character in her as well as me. After extensively searching I think we have finally found a little home school network we can fit into and make new friends. This was really key for me. I could see Kaylie really desiring friendship, and I could use some encouragement along the way as well.
We have stuck with the My Father's World curriculum this year. I have enjoyed the layout, being a new homeschooling mom. It gives a well laid out plan, but allows freedom to be creative and move things around. I am still not sure if we will continue with it next year. Meeting other homeschooling parents has opened my eyes to some of the other great curriculum out there. Right now my goal is to finish this year strong. I have definitely realized Kaylie has a high aptitude for math. Yikes! This is not good for momma, but you gotta adapt! I was always more of a reading, literature kind of girl. There is one thing I continue to tell myself, this is not about me. The main reason I did not want her in public school, was because I did not want her learning style to be crammed into their square hole. I have to be careful not to do the same thing when I am teaching her. I wish I had more great insights to offer. I am honestly still feeling my way through the dark. The best thing I can offer is keep at it. It is an exercise in winning your child's heart. It is not about control, but more about building a bond of love so when the day comes for them to choose, they are well equipped to make the right decisions.
My greatest surprise in homeschooling has been Micah's ability to retain information. I am not formally educating him right now. He only overhears what I teach Kaylie. We were all stunned when Kaylie was going over the books in the Old Testament, and he rattled off about half without help. Those are not easy names to remember. I was impressed!
I am in no way a home school expert, but I encourage anyone who has questions or just needs guidance to seek out other moms. Support it so helpful. I am available to answer any questions as best I can, and if you live in the DFW area we can possibly even set up a time to chat.
Well that's my update for "mid-year." I will try and update a couple more times before the end of they year. We have an awesome opportunity to go to Belgium and France this spring for my little brother's wedding. I am hoping to take advantage of this great opportunity to teach some valuable lessons. That is the great thing about homeschooling. We are a traveling classroom!
We have stuck with the My Father's World curriculum this year. I have enjoyed the layout, being a new homeschooling mom. It gives a well laid out plan, but allows freedom to be creative and move things around. I am still not sure if we will continue with it next year. Meeting other homeschooling parents has opened my eyes to some of the other great curriculum out there. Right now my goal is to finish this year strong. I have definitely realized Kaylie has a high aptitude for math. Yikes! This is not good for momma, but you gotta adapt! I was always more of a reading, literature kind of girl. There is one thing I continue to tell myself, this is not about me. The main reason I did not want her in public school, was because I did not want her learning style to be crammed into their square hole. I have to be careful not to do the same thing when I am teaching her. I wish I had more great insights to offer. I am honestly still feeling my way through the dark. The best thing I can offer is keep at it. It is an exercise in winning your child's heart. It is not about control, but more about building a bond of love so when the day comes for them to choose, they are well equipped to make the right decisions.
My greatest surprise in homeschooling has been Micah's ability to retain information. I am not formally educating him right now. He only overhears what I teach Kaylie. We were all stunned when Kaylie was going over the books in the Old Testament, and he rattled off about half without help. Those are not easy names to remember. I was impressed!
I am in no way a home school expert, but I encourage anyone who has questions or just needs guidance to seek out other moms. Support it so helpful. I am available to answer any questions as best I can, and if you live in the DFW area we can possibly even set up a time to chat.
Well that's my update for "mid-year." I will try and update a couple more times before the end of they year. We have an awesome opportunity to go to Belgium and France this spring for my little brother's wedding. I am hoping to take advantage of this great opportunity to teach some valuable lessons. That is the great thing about homeschooling. We are a traveling classroom!
Monday, January 30, 2012
A Life is Precious
Today is a pretty awesome day. The reason being is that 58 years ago today my dad was born in Everett, Washington. There are some obvious reason this is pretty awesome. One of them being I would not be here if he wasn't. The other reasons may not be easy to see here, but when we get to heaven I am pretty sure there will be thousands of reasons coming up to thank my dad. You see my dad loves Jesus. The only thing I know my dad loves more than Jesus and his family is discipling others to be who God has called them to be. In my lifetime I have watched my dad walk with countless individuals. And when I say walk I mean it, not just sticking around for a little prayer here and there. I'm talking about trudging through the muddy swamplands of people's souls, climbing high peaks, and moving through dark valleys. I remember being a child trying to fall asleep in bed and hearing the phone ring late into the night, and my dad would be there for whoever was on the other end. He has gone to the nations, not to preach to the thousands, although he has done that, but to meet with the pastor in the bush who thought everyone else had forgot about him. This is my dad, a mighty man of God, a true worshipper.
As you know this year has been one of the most difficult in his life. Almost 6 months ago he was unexpectedly diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia. While the prognisis looks good it has been a tough road through these treatments. As I write this he is still healing from the effects of the last round of chemo and is looking to start the next round in a week. It has been hard to watch someone I love deeply walk this road. He has been strong even when he is weak. He has stood on God's promises, and lived the verse in Job, Though He slay me, I will trust in Him. I know this has been a humbling experience, but I am grateful. I have seen others changed as he walks through this. I am grateful because we have only seen affirmation of the true life and hope we have in Christ. Most of all I am grateful that we have been given another year of life with my dad. A man's days are numbered before the Lord. No one knows what tomorrow may bring.
I love you dad. I celebrate your life and honor you today. Your life is precious to us and precious before the Lord. I hope for many more years of health, traveling, ministry, and family. You are the best dad, papa, and friend. I don't want to even imagine a life without you in it. May this be the best year yet. A year of triumph!
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 18, 2011
That Warm Feeling
A week or so ago it really hit me. My dad could have been dead just a few short months ago. The mind processes things in such a weird way. It's not that the reality was not there for me, but it was if I was somehow insulated. My body went into auto-pilot. I often hear cancer described as a battle, and this is exactly what I feel we have experienced. Immediately after hearing the news we put our game faces on and prepared for war. There were moments I cried, but I think the reality of death really never set in. As we prepare for the upcoming holiday season it really sunk in how different this time could have been if even one thing had been done differently. I guess what I really want to say is how grateful I am that once again my dad will be sitting at the head of the table as we eat our Thanksgiving meal. I get teary eyed thinking about our family getting cozy by the fire to watch a favorite Christmas movie. My heart floods with joy to think that my dad and I can once again enjoy our traditional Christmas Eve midnight service. My children will gather around papa another year decorating the tree and marveling at the lights. A lot of people say it, and I think it sometimes loses meaning, but I don't need anything for Christmas, but the wonderful intangibles I have been so richly blessed with. Our traditions bring me more joy than any store bought gift could ever bring.
I know we will all die one day. This body is finite, but I believe that the experiences we are given on this earth are God ordained, and through the trials and tears He delights in our joy just as much as we delight in Him. I am grateful for one more year with the people I love. I am grateful that my daddy is with us today.
I know we will all die one day. This body is finite, but I believe that the experiences we are given on this earth are God ordained, and through the trials and tears He delights in our joy just as much as we delight in Him. I am grateful for one more year with the people I love. I am grateful that my daddy is with us today.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
All for His Glory
I am the proud mommy of a 7 month old. Wait! What??!!! This could not be possible. I just gave birth to him around yesterday, right? I would also like to note I am also the proud mommy of a 6 year old and 3 year old. I am still trying to figure out when they grew up. I seriously just bought pants, how could they have shrunk 3 inches. They just don't make pants like they used to. Am I right?
Seriously, this year is flying by. It is has been fraught with trials and tribulations, but also permeated with sweet, sweet love. My little Isaac is such a joy. He is so different from his siblings, and yet he fits right in with them. He has been fairly mobile since about 4 1/2 months. He really hit a good crawl around 5 months so I have been very busy since then. I was not prepared for such early mobility. He started pulling up around 6 months so we'll see if walking is in the not too distant future. He has really developed a sense of humor. He knows when he is getting into something he shouldn't. Chris or I will just look at him and he will burst into giggles. I could not imagine life without this little guy. Our family life is that much richer with him around.
My precious Kaylie is thriving in her homeschooling and dance this year. I think I am learning more. It is definitely a lesson in patience, but I love learning with her. She is so intelligent. Home school is not without its challenges, but it has been a delight to watch her learn and discover. She asks questions all the time, and offers many great insights. I love her so dearly.
She is also becoming quite the little ballerina and tapper. She has her first performance this weekend at a holiday market. She is very excited and very nervous. I cannot wait to see her perform. My baby is growing up!
My sweet Micah has become quite the wordsmith. We always thought he would be the quiet one, but this past year has seen an explosion in his language skills. A not so welcome side effect is an increase in his argumentative skills. Ah 3 year olds. He really is a sweetheart. He is extremely loveable and also quite the comedienne He's even made his first best friend in life, which means we spend a lot of time outside playing with his buddy.
I continue growing and adjusting in my role as part time stay at home mom. I'd like to say I've got it all together and I never have meltdowns. Hmmm I think I'm learning that it's just one day at a time. I'm also learning I need Jesus for EVERYTHING. I thought I knew that, but I learn it a little more everyday.
After a brief stint with a second job at Starbucks, Chris and I both felt we needed him to be home more. It was a huge leap of faith, and I was concerned about making ends meet, but I was so tired I had no will to fight it anymore. His last day was last week, and he and I set off for a much needed getaway. While finances had been tight, I had set aside some planned commissions from work so we could take our first trip without kids since we had Kaylie. It was only two days, but it was just what we needed to recharge our batteries and reconnect. Right before we left Chris received a call to set up an interview with a potential employer. We've been praying a lot about this lately, but I have had so many disappointments I didn't want to get my hopes up. Yesterday Chris interviewed and was offered the job. Not only is the pay better, but it is so close to home that we will save a significant amount just from the extra gas and tolls we will not be paying. I kept remembering the verse in Psalms 8 that say What is man that You are mindful of him? I am truly humbled. I have had several one sided shouting matches with God in my frustrations. Of course when I step back into my right mind I am reminded of His sovereignty. Who I am next to Him is really nothing, yet He chooses to bless me. He chooses to care. It may not happen when or how I want it. In the end it's not about me. All things for His glory. I am grateful.
Seriously, this year is flying by. It is has been fraught with trials and tribulations, but also permeated with sweet, sweet love. My little Isaac is such a joy. He is so different from his siblings, and yet he fits right in with them. He has been fairly mobile since about 4 1/2 months. He really hit a good crawl around 5 months so I have been very busy since then. I was not prepared for such early mobility. He started pulling up around 6 months so we'll see if walking is in the not too distant future. He has really developed a sense of humor. He knows when he is getting into something he shouldn't. Chris or I will just look at him and he will burst into giggles. I could not imagine life without this little guy. Our family life is that much richer with him around.
My precious Kaylie is thriving in her homeschooling and dance this year. I think I am learning more. It is definitely a lesson in patience, but I love learning with her. She is so intelligent. Home school is not without its challenges, but it has been a delight to watch her learn and discover. She asks questions all the time, and offers many great insights. I love her so dearly.
She is also becoming quite the little ballerina and tapper. She has her first performance this weekend at a holiday market. She is very excited and very nervous. I cannot wait to see her perform. My baby is growing up!
My sweet Micah has become quite the wordsmith. We always thought he would be the quiet one, but this past year has seen an explosion in his language skills. A not so welcome side effect is an increase in his argumentative skills. Ah 3 year olds. He really is a sweetheart. He is extremely loveable and also quite the comedienne He's even made his first best friend in life, which means we spend a lot of time outside playing with his buddy.
I continue growing and adjusting in my role as part time stay at home mom. I'd like to say I've got it all together and I never have meltdowns. Hmmm I think I'm learning that it's just one day at a time. I'm also learning I need Jesus for EVERYTHING. I thought I knew that, but I learn it a little more everyday.
After a brief stint with a second job at Starbucks, Chris and I both felt we needed him to be home more. It was a huge leap of faith, and I was concerned about making ends meet, but I was so tired I had no will to fight it anymore. His last day was last week, and he and I set off for a much needed getaway. While finances had been tight, I had set aside some planned commissions from work so we could take our first trip without kids since we had Kaylie. It was only two days, but it was just what we needed to recharge our batteries and reconnect. Right before we left Chris received a call to set up an interview with a potential employer. We've been praying a lot about this lately, but I have had so many disappointments I didn't want to get my hopes up. Yesterday Chris interviewed and was offered the job. Not only is the pay better, but it is so close to home that we will save a significant amount just from the extra gas and tolls we will not be paying. I kept remembering the verse in Psalms 8 that say What is man that You are mindful of him? I am truly humbled. I have had several one sided shouting matches with God in my frustrations. Of course when I step back into my right mind I am reminded of His sovereignty. Who I am next to Him is really nothing, yet He chooses to bless me. He chooses to care. It may not happen when or how I want it. In the end it's not about me. All things for His glory. I am grateful.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Another Night
It's just another weeknight, me sitting on the couch alone, waiting for Chris to get off of work. It kind of seems silly to me sometimes. I could just go to bed, and catch some extra sleep, God knows I could always use it. It's just that even though the time is brief, it seems those extra few moments we can see each other keep me going the rest of the time.
This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life. I have a great respect for women who have given the ultimate sacrifice as their men go off to serve their country. I always felt I wasn't nearly strong enough to do that. While my sacrifice is not nearly that, I truly feel great emptiness while Chris is out working two jobs. I was remembering back to those carefree days when it was just us. We could do what we wanted when we wanted. Our responsibilities were not as great. We had limitless time to talk, share our dreams, laugh, and have fun. Now my days are filled with diaper changes, discipline, Veggie Tales, endless explanations of why we don't do this or why we should do this. The last date we were able to steal away was a quick lunch at a Five Guys burger joint. We quickly try to rehash our days in the 20 minutes we have for dinner and the brief moments before our heads hit the pillow for the night. I do not regret my life. There is no other man on earth I would want to do this life with. I love my children, oh how I love them. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are my inheritance and I do and will continue to reap great rewards just from their lives on this earth.
I guess tonight I am just feeling a little lonely, and praying hard this season is short because I would like to have him home more again.
This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life. I have a great respect for women who have given the ultimate sacrifice as their men go off to serve their country. I always felt I wasn't nearly strong enough to do that. While my sacrifice is not nearly that, I truly feel great emptiness while Chris is out working two jobs. I was remembering back to those carefree days when it was just us. We could do what we wanted when we wanted. Our responsibilities were not as great. We had limitless time to talk, share our dreams, laugh, and have fun. Now my days are filled with diaper changes, discipline, Veggie Tales, endless explanations of why we don't do this or why we should do this. The last date we were able to steal away was a quick lunch at a Five Guys burger joint. We quickly try to rehash our days in the 20 minutes we have for dinner and the brief moments before our heads hit the pillow for the night. I do not regret my life. There is no other man on earth I would want to do this life with. I love my children, oh how I love them. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are my inheritance and I do and will continue to reap great rewards just from their lives on this earth.
I guess tonight I am just feeling a little lonely, and praying hard this season is short because I would like to have him home more again.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
So We Continue
It is amazing how life can change so drastically in split seconds. I am still adjusting to a new outlook on life. Since dad's diagnosis I have stepped back and took stock of many things in life. Many things change, but one thing has remained constant. This is my ever present need to trust only in God and rely solely on the life giving power of Jesus Christ.
We have so much to be thankful for. Dad finished the first round of chemo last Tuesday. He has done so well. Even many of the nurses thought he looked just a little too well to be in the oncology ward. The downside to this was dad was feeling a bit stir crazy. He's never been one to sit around. Just a month ago he was cutting down a giant tree in their backyard. Probably not the best idea in hindsight knowing what we know now, but never the less you can see he's always working hard. After a week in the hospital he was ready to be home. The doctor was obviously very cautious about sending him home too early. The risk of infection was still too great. Thursday his blood counts were looking a lot better. On Friday the doctor gave him the green light to head home after one more platelet transfusion. We are all elated. He is still healing and working through some of the side effects of the chemo, but he is a trooper. He will go for an appointment on Monday to check his blood levels again. He should start the second phase of treatment in August. Please continue to pray for his complete healing. I also ask for prayer for renewed strength and energy. Please pray for continued encouragement from the Holy Spirit and friends as the enemy loves to come in when we aren't feeling at our best and speak lies and bring discouragement.
In other great news my parents will celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary on Monday. What a testament of God's love and faithfulness! That is one thing I love about these two. They stick it out through thick and thin. My mom stayed at that hospital every night with my dad. I heard many people comment that maybe she should just go home for a night, but she was not going to leave his side. I know he would do the same for her. I am proud to call them my parents and proud of the representation they are on this earth of the love Jesus has for His people.
I would also like to ask all those who pray to continue to remember our family in prayer. There has been a lot of craziness in life and experiencing all of these things with three young children in tow is not the easiest. Chris has been an awesome husband and taken on a second job so I can be home with the kids. While I am forever grateful for his hard work, it is still difficult as I was spoiled to having his great help in the evenings. The kids also miss having him home more. We are working through this season with joy and perseverance, but sometimes the joy takes a little extra effort!
I appreciate every prayer and kind word that has been spoken to me and my family during this season. It has been an experience that has impacted me and made my love grow deeper for the family of God.
We have so much to be thankful for. Dad finished the first round of chemo last Tuesday. He has done so well. Even many of the nurses thought he looked just a little too well to be in the oncology ward. The downside to this was dad was feeling a bit stir crazy. He's never been one to sit around. Just a month ago he was cutting down a giant tree in their backyard. Probably not the best idea in hindsight knowing what we know now, but never the less you can see he's always working hard. After a week in the hospital he was ready to be home. The doctor was obviously very cautious about sending him home too early. The risk of infection was still too great. Thursday his blood counts were looking a lot better. On Friday the doctor gave him the green light to head home after one more platelet transfusion. We are all elated. He is still healing and working through some of the side effects of the chemo, but he is a trooper. He will go for an appointment on Monday to check his blood levels again. He should start the second phase of treatment in August. Please continue to pray for his complete healing. I also ask for prayer for renewed strength and energy. Please pray for continued encouragement from the Holy Spirit and friends as the enemy loves to come in when we aren't feeling at our best and speak lies and bring discouragement.
In other great news my parents will celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary on Monday. What a testament of God's love and faithfulness! That is one thing I love about these two. They stick it out through thick and thin. My mom stayed at that hospital every night with my dad. I heard many people comment that maybe she should just go home for a night, but she was not going to leave his side. I know he would do the same for her. I am proud to call them my parents and proud of the representation they are on this earth of the love Jesus has for His people.
I would also like to ask all those who pray to continue to remember our family in prayer. There has been a lot of craziness in life and experiencing all of these things with three young children in tow is not the easiest. Chris has been an awesome husband and taken on a second job so I can be home with the kids. While I am forever grateful for his hard work, it is still difficult as I was spoiled to having his great help in the evenings. The kids also miss having him home more. We are working through this season with joy and perseverance, but sometimes the joy takes a little extra effort!
I appreciate every prayer and kind word that has been spoken to me and my family during this season. It has been an experience that has impacted me and made my love grow deeper for the family of God.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
When God's Ways are Not Our Ways
I am still scratching my head. How did we go from sitting at a chik-fil-a with the kids on a Saturday to a leukemia diagnosis on Monday? The human mind was not made to process these whirlwinds of change. For those who are completely lost a brief summary:
Saturday my mom called to tell us she was taking my dad to the ER. He had been drained all week and started having chest pains and feeling winded. Heart disease runs in his family so he worried he was either having a heart attack or at least some serious blockage. While this was not welcome news to me, I felt prepared for this. My grandfather is in his 80's and survived two heart attacks while still putting right along. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I knew he was doing the right thing by going in early. I figured they would get this fixed and he'd be back on his merry way in no time.
We all rushed up to the ER and crammed into the tiny room. They had drawn blood and noticed it was low. They were talking transfusion to get him back up to par. Still nothing seemed weird at this point. A Dr. showed up and said he was their to look at the blood results and he would be back with us. After a really short period he was back. He started explaining the results of the blood test. My dad's red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets were all dangerously low. He was told he basically had no immune system. I'm just trying to process what this has to do with having a heart attack when I hear the word Leukemia thrown out. Wait what is he talking about? Did he not realize we were here for chest pains? He obviously had the wrong room. It is amazing how many thoughts flash through your head in a single moment when life delivers you a swift slap to the face. I didn't want to appear weak, but my eyes flooded with tears. This was my daddy, the guy who's always strong, nothing unexpected happens to him. Immediately the Lord spoke to my spirit, Crystal, you know I am good right? Of course I do, but God can't I just have a moment? This kept impressing on my spirit. I felt that we should begin to pray. I knew it was God's desire for us to to acknowledge His goodness no matter what the circumstance no matter what the outcome. So we set the stage for what was to come. I am sorry Satan, but you have already lost this first battle, God is good and you will not convince us otherwise.
They had to take a bone marrow biopsy Sunday to confirm what they suspected. Late Monday the doctor delivered the preliminary results which confirmed acute leukemia. He wanted to begin treatment right away. The prognosis is good because he caught this very early, but the window is short. We were told if he had waited even a month, he could have been dead. If you asked anyone they would never see a blessing in a family history of heart disease. For once I do. If my dad had no history of heart disease he probably wouldn't have taken those chest pains as seriously. He probably would have attributed his tiredness to a cold or virus coming on. While the chest pains ended up being related to the anemia from his blood, God used those warning flags to preserve his life.
I am still processing all of this. I anticipate many blogs to come as we fight this fight together. My dad has at least two weeks in the hospital while they begin the first rounds of treatment. The biggest goal is to build his immunity back up. It is a miracle that he has not caught anything the week prior as he went about his normal life working and being around people.
It may sounds strange, but this has been one of the hardest , but sweetest weeks of my life. As we lean heavily on the Lord and each other it has built such a sweet sense of unity. I have enjoyed just sitting and talking with my dad. Suddenly a lot of life's silly distractions just don't seem that important.
I love my dad so very much. I believe my heart hurt more because I did not want to see him walk through any pain. All night Saturday I thought about being a little girl again. The times that were simple and unmarred by the hormones and drama that the teenage years bring. I thought about the many times my dad needed to tell me something important, something I might not really understand. He would sit me on his lap. Sometimes he cried, but he was always a source of strength. I miss those days sometimes. I learned so much about the great character of my dad just being with him. Now we are at a point where we need an even greater Father, our sweet Father God to hold us both on His lap. His ways are not our ways, but He is faithful to hold us when we just can't quite understand and be a source of strength.
We have appreciated so many people who have visited and sent comments and prayers. We continue to enjoy visitors but ask that anyone who is sick refrain from coming at this time. Even a common cold could be dangerous with his current immunity levels. We have also been asked by the doctors not to allow any flowers, plants, or fresh fruits and vegetables in the room due to the bacteria they can harbor. Cards and prayers are always welcome.
We are standing in faith that God will bring complete healing to my dad's body. I am believing that he will come out not only healed but completely rejuvinated in mind, body, and spirit.
If you take anything with you today please let it be that God is a good God. He remains the same no matter what the circumstance or what the outcome. He does not change. Blessed be His name!
Saturday my mom called to tell us she was taking my dad to the ER. He had been drained all week and started having chest pains and feeling winded. Heart disease runs in his family so he worried he was either having a heart attack or at least some serious blockage. While this was not welcome news to me, I felt prepared for this. My grandfather is in his 80's and survived two heart attacks while still putting right along. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I knew he was doing the right thing by going in early. I figured they would get this fixed and he'd be back on his merry way in no time.
We all rushed up to the ER and crammed into the tiny room. They had drawn blood and noticed it was low. They were talking transfusion to get him back up to par. Still nothing seemed weird at this point. A Dr. showed up and said he was their to look at the blood results and he would be back with us. After a really short period he was back. He started explaining the results of the blood test. My dad's red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets were all dangerously low. He was told he basically had no immune system. I'm just trying to process what this has to do with having a heart attack when I hear the word Leukemia thrown out. Wait what is he talking about? Did he not realize we were here for chest pains? He obviously had the wrong room. It is amazing how many thoughts flash through your head in a single moment when life delivers you a swift slap to the face. I didn't want to appear weak, but my eyes flooded with tears. This was my daddy, the guy who's always strong, nothing unexpected happens to him. Immediately the Lord spoke to my spirit, Crystal, you know I am good right? Of course I do, but God can't I just have a moment? This kept impressing on my spirit. I felt that we should begin to pray. I knew it was God's desire for us to to acknowledge His goodness no matter what the circumstance no matter what the outcome. So we set the stage for what was to come. I am sorry Satan, but you have already lost this first battle, God is good and you will not convince us otherwise.
They had to take a bone marrow biopsy Sunday to confirm what they suspected. Late Monday the doctor delivered the preliminary results which confirmed acute leukemia. He wanted to begin treatment right away. The prognosis is good because he caught this very early, but the window is short. We were told if he had waited even a month, he could have been dead. If you asked anyone they would never see a blessing in a family history of heart disease. For once I do. If my dad had no history of heart disease he probably wouldn't have taken those chest pains as seriously. He probably would have attributed his tiredness to a cold or virus coming on. While the chest pains ended up being related to the anemia from his blood, God used those warning flags to preserve his life.
I am still processing all of this. I anticipate many blogs to come as we fight this fight together. My dad has at least two weeks in the hospital while they begin the first rounds of treatment. The biggest goal is to build his immunity back up. It is a miracle that he has not caught anything the week prior as he went about his normal life working and being around people.
It may sounds strange, but this has been one of the hardest , but sweetest weeks of my life. As we lean heavily on the Lord and each other it has built such a sweet sense of unity. I have enjoyed just sitting and talking with my dad. Suddenly a lot of life's silly distractions just don't seem that important.
I love my dad so very much. I believe my heart hurt more because I did not want to see him walk through any pain. All night Saturday I thought about being a little girl again. The times that were simple and unmarred by the hormones and drama that the teenage years bring. I thought about the many times my dad needed to tell me something important, something I might not really understand. He would sit me on his lap. Sometimes he cried, but he was always a source of strength. I miss those days sometimes. I learned so much about the great character of my dad just being with him. Now we are at a point where we need an even greater Father, our sweet Father God to hold us both on His lap. His ways are not our ways, but He is faithful to hold us when we just can't quite understand and be a source of strength.
We have appreciated so many people who have visited and sent comments and prayers. We continue to enjoy visitors but ask that anyone who is sick refrain from coming at this time. Even a common cold could be dangerous with his current immunity levels. We have also been asked by the doctors not to allow any flowers, plants, or fresh fruits and vegetables in the room due to the bacteria they can harbor. Cards and prayers are always welcome.
We are standing in faith that God will bring complete healing to my dad's body. I am believing that he will come out not only healed but completely rejuvinated in mind, body, and spirit.
If you take anything with you today please let it be that God is a good God. He remains the same no matter what the circumstance or what the outcome. He does not change. Blessed be His name!
Friday, March 18, 2011
He Restores The Years
Then I will make up to you for the years
That the swarming locust has eaten,
The creeping locust, the stripping locust, and the knawing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
Joel 2:25
I had a vivid dream last night. It was not about a specific instance, but it was one of those abstract dreams that brings back the reminders and feelings of past events. My first thoughts when I awoke were to flash back ten years ago. Ten years, has it really been that long?
I remembered my life at this very season ten years ago. I was seventeen. I thought I knew everything. The reality was I was a broken down mess. Every month my parents were finding out some new piece of news about me, and it was never good. I was running around with men I had no business associating with at my age, and putting myself into many dangerous situations. Each night I went to bed heartbroken, because even though I knew it all, deep inside the aching empitness dug its roots into my heart. The Saviour I had once so eagerly given my heart to at a young age seemed far and distant. At the time I was too blind to realize it was not He who had left. I had just stopped letting Him fill the seemingly unquenchable desire to be loved and accepted.
In the midst of it all I remember feeling I had run too far in the opposite direction. Surely even if I gave in, even if I surrendered, there would be years of punishment awaiting me.
How easily I forgot the message of the cross, a sweet message of grace and restoration.
There came a point when my legs could not carry me any farther. A point I reazlied that as I fell down God was waiting there to catch me.
It is ten years later. Instead of facing a spring of death and despair as I did so long ago, I eagerly await the birth of my child, a gift of life. I have been given a great earthly love, a man God has chosen to walk the journey of life with me. I have been given three children, an inheritance from the Lord. I have a home that is never lacking for our basic needs. Most importantly I have been restored to the love of my Saviour in whom there is no shadow of turning. I have peace.
The road of restoration was not all roses. I have still had many lessons to learn over the past ten years. If you are to read the beginning of Joel 2 Israel had experienced great devastation as a consequence for their actions, though consequences differ greatly from punishment. Consequences offer us the path to learning and change. The road to healing is often started in brokeness. Ten years later I can attest to the truth in verse 25. He is faithful to make up for the years the locust has eaten.
Thank God for His great goodness and grace!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Spring is Here....Almost
Time is flying by for me. I still cannot believe that there was snow on the ground a month ago. Alas time is marching on and spring is at our doorstep. This can only mean one thing in my life and that is chaos. My work is in the concrete and landscape industry, so as soon as a beautiful day hits, we are swamped. I'm sure my co-workers are especially appreciative of the fact that my baby is due in the spring right smack dab in the middle of the madness. Oh well what can you do? I tend to become stressed when I cannot fix something. When I combine work stress with baby preparation stress it can be a bit maddening. I am just learning that sometimes I have to step back and refocus my priorities from a big picture point of view.
I realize I am not great at posting pictures. Belly shots are not really my thing. Almost all of my pregnancy photos are taken by my mom when I'm not paying attention. I'm sure if you visit her facebook you will find a few of me in all my ballooning glory. Of course I realize maybe it would be nice to share some of family and general happenings in our lives. As soon as I am home more I am going to make this a priority.
A couple of weeks ago we took our last outing out of state before the baby comes. It's not like we are constantly going out of state, but we thought it would be nice to take a short get away before the baby arrived. We headed across the red river to the Oklahoma City area to visit some dear friends. While we were there they completely blessed us with a toyota 4runner. We have been a 1 car family ever since we've had kids. We haven't had two cars since we were first married. I cannot tell you how awesome it is to know that I will not be stranded at home once the baby arrives. Where Chris is working now, it just wouldn't make sense for me to drive him to work everyday. The gas and tolls would be crazy. Thanks to the wonderful, beautiful Alyson we have a new car, well new to us, that will fit three children and a big yellow lab perfectly. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am still constantly amazed at the goodness of God in meeting the needs we have at just the right time. I can also only pray that he blesses those who have blessed us in ways they cannot possibly imagine.
Chris is still doing so well at his new job. I cannot say how proud I am of him. He really bounced back from a tough situation. He has really garnered favor in his department, and there is already the possibility that he could be looking at a new opportunity in the near future. It makes me happy to see him excelling and actually enjoying what he does.
Well we are at the 36 week mark, actually by the time I post this I will be inching closer to 37. Things are going fairly well. The last two weeks I was stricken with what we are pretty sure was a case of PUPPP's. For those unfamiliar just google, but basically it is a rash from hell. Basically there is usually not much to do but wait it out until delivery. I used every cream and potion imaginable. I decided to try some baby rash cream called butt paste. It has actually helped it start to clear up, that along with a lot of prayer. I am happy to say this week has been so much better. Other than the frustration of maneuvering off of the bed or off a couch, I am feeling pretty good. This weekend will be a small baby shower with a few friends and family to celebrate Issac. The mountian of baby clothes were washed and put away this past weekend. Chris has been immensley helpful keeping us on task and reminding me to not stress out. I think after this week I will go ahead and get a bag ready for myself and the kids to take to the birthing center. Any suggestions on what I should bring from other mom's who have gone the birth center route? I know I won't be there overnight, unless I am laboring overnight, but I'm just wondering what comforts might be nice to have. This is the first time I will be allowed to eat and drink while laboring. While I am not sure if I will be in the mood or not, any ideas for good foods to keep on hand?
I hope to post some pictures in the next post. We finally decided it was time to get a new computer. Now I can upload pictures without wanting to tear my hair out. If for some reason the baby comes between now and my next post, I will try and post a short update soon after.
Have a wonderful week dear readers.
I realize I am not great at posting pictures. Belly shots are not really my thing. Almost all of my pregnancy photos are taken by my mom when I'm not paying attention. I'm sure if you visit her facebook you will find a few of me in all my ballooning glory. Of course I realize maybe it would be nice to share some of family and general happenings in our lives. As soon as I am home more I am going to make this a priority.
A couple of weeks ago we took our last outing out of state before the baby comes. It's not like we are constantly going out of state, but we thought it would be nice to take a short get away before the baby arrived. We headed across the red river to the Oklahoma City area to visit some dear friends. While we were there they completely blessed us with a toyota 4runner. We have been a 1 car family ever since we've had kids. We haven't had two cars since we were first married. I cannot tell you how awesome it is to know that I will not be stranded at home once the baby arrives. Where Chris is working now, it just wouldn't make sense for me to drive him to work everyday. The gas and tolls would be crazy. Thanks to the wonderful, beautiful Alyson we have a new car, well new to us, that will fit three children and a big yellow lab perfectly. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am still constantly amazed at the goodness of God in meeting the needs we have at just the right time. I can also only pray that he blesses those who have blessed us in ways they cannot possibly imagine.
Chris is still doing so well at his new job. I cannot say how proud I am of him. He really bounced back from a tough situation. He has really garnered favor in his department, and there is already the possibility that he could be looking at a new opportunity in the near future. It makes me happy to see him excelling and actually enjoying what he does.
Well we are at the 36 week mark, actually by the time I post this I will be inching closer to 37. Things are going fairly well. The last two weeks I was stricken with what we are pretty sure was a case of PUPPP's. For those unfamiliar just google, but basically it is a rash from hell. Basically there is usually not much to do but wait it out until delivery. I used every cream and potion imaginable. I decided to try some baby rash cream called butt paste. It has actually helped it start to clear up, that along with a lot of prayer. I am happy to say this week has been so much better. Other than the frustration of maneuvering off of the bed or off a couch, I am feeling pretty good. This weekend will be a small baby shower with a few friends and family to celebrate Issac. The mountian of baby clothes were washed and put away this past weekend. Chris has been immensley helpful keeping us on task and reminding me to not stress out. I think after this week I will go ahead and get a bag ready for myself and the kids to take to the birthing center. Any suggestions on what I should bring from other mom's who have gone the birth center route? I know I won't be there overnight, unless I am laboring overnight, but I'm just wondering what comforts might be nice to have. This is the first time I will be allowed to eat and drink while laboring. While I am not sure if I will be in the mood or not, any ideas for good foods to keep on hand?
I hope to post some pictures in the next post. We finally decided it was time to get a new computer. Now I can upload pictures without wanting to tear my hair out. If for some reason the baby comes between now and my next post, I will try and post a short update soon after.
Have a wonderful week dear readers.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Bittersweet
I had my first vivid labor dream last night. I will be 36 weeks pregnant in one week, and this is the first dream I have had about having this baby. I always dream in great detail, even if it's crazy details, I can even tell you the direction we were driving our car in. Anyway it brought to the forefront of my mind that this will all be over soon. It's not just that this pregnancy will be over. I think we have both mututally decided that after this child our family will be complete. In the past I never felt quite sure, so the routines of pregnancy and child rearing seemed a little open ended. It's weird to think that these will most likely be my last few weeks to ever feel a baby kick and roll around inside of me.
While I know our child raising days are far from over, this puts sort of a bookend to the experience. It only reaffirms that life is just a series of seasons that are constantly changing. At times I look forward to the day that I will no longer change diapers. I would be lying if I did not say the thought of leisurly eating in a restaurant without trying to keep the kids from bouncing off the walls did not excite me a bit. Yet at the same time these moments are precious and fleeting. There is nothing like feeling the warmth of a newborn snuggled close to your chest. I can think of few experiences that compare to your doctor or midwife handing you your baby as he/she takes their first gulps of breath in this world. Even when I am thoroughly annoyed with my rambunctious boy bouncing in the booth of a restaurant, nothing can hold a candle to when he stops, bends down thoughtfully and says, "I love you mommy," and plants a slobbery kiss on my lips. I also wake up to realize my baby girl is turning into a beautiful young lady right before my eyes. My heart aches just a bit that all those little dresses and hats have seen their last days with us. Once the princess phase has passed we will pack that chapter away for good. I can only pray that something better than Justin Bieber is waiting in the wings when my daughter becomes a tween.
Yes these days are bittersweet, but that is what makes them all the more exciting and special, and I am doing my best to capture each day as it comes.
While I know our child raising days are far from over, this puts sort of a bookend to the experience. It only reaffirms that life is just a series of seasons that are constantly changing. At times I look forward to the day that I will no longer change diapers. I would be lying if I did not say the thought of leisurly eating in a restaurant without trying to keep the kids from bouncing off the walls did not excite me a bit. Yet at the same time these moments are precious and fleeting. There is nothing like feeling the warmth of a newborn snuggled close to your chest. I can think of few experiences that compare to your doctor or midwife handing you your baby as he/she takes their first gulps of breath in this world. Even when I am thoroughly annoyed with my rambunctious boy bouncing in the booth of a restaurant, nothing can hold a candle to when he stops, bends down thoughtfully and says, "I love you mommy," and plants a slobbery kiss on my lips. I also wake up to realize my baby girl is turning into a beautiful young lady right before my eyes. My heart aches just a bit that all those little dresses and hats have seen their last days with us. Once the princess phase has passed we will pack that chapter away for good. I can only pray that something better than Justin Bieber is waiting in the wings when my daughter becomes a tween.
Yes these days are bittersweet, but that is what makes them all the more exciting and special, and I am doing my best to capture each day as it comes.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
What Did I Do to Deserve This?
I probably have uttered this phrase countless times when everything is going wrong in life. I think most of us have at some point. It is probably best that God is gracious and does not usually answer this question directly, because honestly if it were a game of what we deserve it would not be pretty on our side. Six months ago I was on an uphill climb of faith. I don't pretend I had it worse than many others, but as for each of us our problems can become very real, dark, and looming.
I stand hear today and once again say, "What did I do to deserve this?" Except this time I ask for very different reasons. As of this day I am standing on a mountain that I did not believe I could ever climb. Please indulge me as I rattle off the incredible blessings God has given our family.
I stand hear today and once again say, "What did I do to deserve this?" Except this time I ask for very different reasons. As of this day I am standing on a mountain that I did not believe I could ever climb. Please indulge me as I rattle off the incredible blessings God has given our family.
- Chris was hired on with a new company as of last week. He is truly enjoying the new company, and excited about the opportunitues it can bring. In a job market that has many people looking for sometimes 6 months to a year, we were blessed that it took just a little over two months.
- Chris is working a job with the hours we desired. Many of the jobs Chris looked at while job hunting would require that he be gone late into the night or for extended periods of time. While we were willing to accept anything, God was good in meeting the desires of our heart, and he is able to be home with the famliy in the evenings.
- We did not lose our house or default on any major payments during the period of unemployment. This is truly amazing in itself. My first fears were that we would lose everything, or at least fall behind on everything. We have had enough to carry us through, and will be carried through seamlessy as income starts flowing again.
- I have wonderful, beautiful children. They are extremely loving in every way possible. While they like to try my patience, not a day goes by that I am not overwhelmed with a full heart from their, hugs, cuddles, and kisses.
- I have Chris who is patient, loving, and steadfast. He is the iron in my life that sharpens me. He has put up with my intense moments of frustration during these last 6 months, and is still there with loving arms when I need to swallow my pride and apologize. He makes me laugh, and always sticks up for me. He gets me for who I am. When I look at him I wonder how I ever could be afraid of losing a house when I always have a home with him.
- I have a son on the way named Isaac who God has chosen to bless us with. While he was conceived of God's timing and not our own, I am convinced all the more that God's plan is perfect for him. If I though my heart could not be any more full with love, I cannot imagine the joy and love about to explode into our lives this spring.
- Wonderful friendship. This season has brought back my dear, sweet Alyson. While miles have separated us she has always been my closest friend. Through a series of events we have been able to reconnect, and I must say it has been absolutely wonderful having her back in my life. While we do not share blood, she is a sister to me and always will be.
- Family that sticks with you. I know it can be done, but I cannot imagine how hard it would be to live far away from family. I am blessed to have caring people not too far away who are willing to help bear the load when times are tough.
- I have been given life!
In refelction this year has been a lot about growth. That is wonderful, delightful, and painful growth. I'm sure I have not experienced that last of my trials, but as I sit here today basking in peace and the realization that God does work all things together for our good, I'm just grateful.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Precious Promises
Friday afternoon I was hit with the gut wrenching news that Chris had lost his job. Talk about a slap in the face. With our third child on the way I had already been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety over finances, a car that we had already poured way too much money into, and trying to figure out how we could make it work so I would stay home. For the last two months I have wrestled with God over the question we all ask at one time, "Why me?" Many dark nights I struggled with God. Why did He seem so distant? Why did He place desires in my heart that He now seemed so unwilling to fullfill? The news Friday just felt like the icing on the cake, might I add really bad icing on a burnt cake. Although the news was devastating I felt more broken than angry. For the first time in months I lost the will to fight or question, all I could do was sob. All of the fears of losing everything were there, but mostly I just felt so low, so humbled.
Saturday was difficult. I cried a lot. I wanted to sleep and just forget everything. In the shower I began to sing the old Hymn, On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand. Tears streamed down my face, and finally I felt what I had been missing for some time. The sweet presence of God beginning to fill and permeate the brokeness. I had finally surrendered to the work He really wanted to do in me. Sunday things began to feel better. Obviously our problems were not solved overnight, but I felt peace. I was able to smile and laugh more. I looked at my husband and children and felt nothing but gratefulness for their presence and steadfast love. Our circumstances took on a new light as I saw an opportunity for our family to draw closer together. Finally, yes maybe this can be a good thing.
I have come to find through the years that I am a planner. I want everything to go as planned. I would like God to come through for me on my timetable, and yet I want to still have some control in the matter. What I did not realize is how I was short changing myself for God's processes. They are not always fun processes, in fact somtimes they are messy and bring a certain amount of humility that I would rather just skip on. Oh how important these processes are though. I held an ongoing argument with God for two months, and in one day He washed away every pretense I could hide behind. Suddenly I realized how insignifcant my control really is, and how significant surrender is to His precious promises. One of those promises that has continued to stand out in my mind is at the very end of Matthew. After Jesus had given his disciples their last instructions He finished off with this in Matthew 28:20b
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age
I have heard this verse so many times it starts to lose its true value. As I let it sink in it is like a warm blanket to the soul and spirit. Jesus has promised His people He is not leaving. He is not going anywhere. There are no surprises in this life that throw Him off guard. We only fool ourselves if we think we can work the system. Could I lose everything of worldy value? Sure that could happen. I believe though that God is good, and He desires my good. As I believe in that, and lean heavily on Him the good in life just naturally works itself out. Walking with God is a win win situation when I let Him take control.
As of today I have not received a million dollar check in the mail. I have not been given a raise. Chris has not found a job just yet, but I am grateful. Our money is stretching more than I thought it would. I just looked at the bank account this morning to crunch some numbers, and I was shocked to find we should be just fine through this next month. Chris has had one job interview already that went well. We hope to possibly hear something by the end of the week. I have felt even closer to Chris as we work together to keep things going. I know it may sound silly, but I was rejoicing so much on the inside today. I know I have a Father who loves me. He desires all good things for me, but what is more important to Him is the state of my heart.
Saturday was difficult. I cried a lot. I wanted to sleep and just forget everything. In the shower I began to sing the old Hymn, On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand. Tears streamed down my face, and finally I felt what I had been missing for some time. The sweet presence of God beginning to fill and permeate the brokeness. I had finally surrendered to the work He really wanted to do in me. Sunday things began to feel better. Obviously our problems were not solved overnight, but I felt peace. I was able to smile and laugh more. I looked at my husband and children and felt nothing but gratefulness for their presence and steadfast love. Our circumstances took on a new light as I saw an opportunity for our family to draw closer together. Finally, yes maybe this can be a good thing.
I have come to find through the years that I am a planner. I want everything to go as planned. I would like God to come through for me on my timetable, and yet I want to still have some control in the matter. What I did not realize is how I was short changing myself for God's processes. They are not always fun processes, in fact somtimes they are messy and bring a certain amount of humility that I would rather just skip on. Oh how important these processes are though. I held an ongoing argument with God for two months, and in one day He washed away every pretense I could hide behind. Suddenly I realized how insignifcant my control really is, and how significant surrender is to His precious promises. One of those promises that has continued to stand out in my mind is at the very end of Matthew. After Jesus had given his disciples their last instructions He finished off with this in Matthew 28:20b
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age
I have heard this verse so many times it starts to lose its true value. As I let it sink in it is like a warm blanket to the soul and spirit. Jesus has promised His people He is not leaving. He is not going anywhere. There are no surprises in this life that throw Him off guard. We only fool ourselves if we think we can work the system. Could I lose everything of worldy value? Sure that could happen. I believe though that God is good, and He desires my good. As I believe in that, and lean heavily on Him the good in life just naturally works itself out. Walking with God is a win win situation when I let Him take control.
As of today I have not received a million dollar check in the mail. I have not been given a raise. Chris has not found a job just yet, but I am grateful. Our money is stretching more than I thought it would. I just looked at the bank account this morning to crunch some numbers, and I was shocked to find we should be just fine through this next month. Chris has had one job interview already that went well. We hope to possibly hear something by the end of the week. I have felt even closer to Chris as we work together to keep things going. I know it may sound silly, but I was rejoicing so much on the inside today. I know I have a Father who loves me. He desires all good things for me, but what is more important to Him is the state of my heart.
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