A Year in Review

It's 5 a.m. and I'm on the road. If you had asked me where I would be at this time last New Year's Eve, this would not have crossed my mind. This is life, down to one 10 year old car, back in the workforce, unexpected pregnancy, unexpected miscarriage, and trusting God for every dollar to make ends meet.

We often don't see our pride in self sufficiency. It's a sneaky little sin that is hard to perceive as evil in a land that was built on hard work and self reliance.
This year God loved me so much that He took out the mirror to show me more of my own weakness.

The best part about God is that He doesn't pull out the mirror and then proceed to laugh and deride you.
No, instead He tenderly picks up the pieces of the card house you perceived as a mansion. He then begins to replace it with solid truth. He begins to build something that will last far beyond this momentary affliction, far beyond these earthly materials we hold so dear.

I've spend a lot of time lamenting 2014 and praying it would soon be over. As I survey the trodden terrain of the year past, I am gripped with the reality that I am loved. I am so loved by a Father that will not leave me in my sin. I am loved by a Father who desires to bring eternity out of the dusty caverns of my soul and to the forefront of my heart.
I am loved by the Creator of the universe, and that is enough.

Coming Out of a Cave

It is over a month into the new year and this is my first post. I apologize to the couple of readers who may have been disappointed. It has been an interesting start to the year. Upon leaving the last year with great joy and anticipation, I felt as though a great cloud came over me. The first day of the new year I was greeted with the news that an old friend from Starbucks days had passed away. It was completely unexpected, and hard to grasp. We all know the fragility of life, but when we stare it straight in the face the reminder is only that much more startling. The month of January became a very tumultuous time. Our family was sick for about two weeks which only added to the doldrums. I cannot truly describe what I experienced. It almost felt like depression. I simply felt lonely. Each day of cold weather only mirrored the damp feeling I had in my heart. We all have points in our life where we stop to take inventory of where we are and what we have accomplished. I simply felt weak and for lack of a better word, unaccomplished. I was in a cave, hidden from the world.

It is amazing to me the places God leads us. It was a tough month. I did not write because I literally felt empy in soul and spirit. A funny thing about these times in the cave is the moment of realization that the cave is not as empty as I thought. In that month I really began to feel the sweet comfort of God as He came to build a fire and wrap a warm blanket around my heart. It is in the destitute moment, the realization again of our stripped bare human condition, that we are once again able to receive the grace for which Jesus shed his blood. One verse that kept me going and really comforted my heart is found in Isaiah 49

15 "Can a woman forget her nursing child
And have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. "

How can you not read this and not weep? How precious we are to the Lord. Even in our weakest state He does not forget. I try to go outside of myself to look down upon my life. I see myself as simple, plain, unadorned, just another person on this stage of life.
The Father looks down and what He sees is through rose colored glasses as many would say. He sees through the blood of His son. His thoughts towards me and you are full of love. He only leads us to the deserted land so that He can shower His love upon our lives. I often say, " but God what about the plans for me, what about the great things I want to do for you?"
Almost no parent can simply forget their child, let alone their great hopes and plans for that child. God says even they may forget, but He will not forget you. This love is so awesome I cannot stand it.

Thank you reader that are still with me. I really needed this time away to process and just be refreshed. I appreciate any readership I get so I will try to be a good blogger. I hope this time away has given me new ideas and a more refined approach to the craft.
May the rest of your week be full of love and enoucouragement, and if you are finding yourself in that cold dark cave keep your heart soft.

The Neverending Theme

I enjoy reading other people's blogs. It gives me a peek into the challenges and joy of other's. This also reinforces to me that so often people are experiencing the same questions, internal battles, and life events that I am or have gone through. I have found it to be one of the delights of technology. Of course it has its pitfalls, but finally the common man has an outlet outside of publishing a book or waiting till death when some historian discovers your long lost diary.

I started all this to say I really relish reading new years blogs. I love the excitement and anticipation of a new year. I also love the wistful memories of the year past. It is always a bittersweet time, letting go of the old, and bringing in the new. I will try to not let the bitter overcome the sweet. It is a new year, and I know that I have no guarantee in this life other than the saving grace of Jesus. On this I will rest all my hopes and dreams for the new year. Come what may, He will never change.

Happy New Year


Lamentations 3:22-24 (Message Translation)
God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
His merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great Your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

Drowning

At work the new year brings with it the challenge of tying up all of the loose ends from the old year. Yesterday I started the feat of moving the contents of my filing cabinets into boxes for storage. I was so proud of myself. I had almost completed the project and ran short just a few boxes. No big deal, I could get those in by tomorrow.

Surprise! My boss walked in with a mile high stack of not just last years invoices, but some 2007 paper work that someone forgot to pass along to me. Nice, now I get to spend the whole day tomorrow locked away in the hot file room going through boxes and catching up. I think I may just build a fort with my boxes and hide out the rest of the day.

Another Day

I was a bit worried today would drag on an on. I am fortunate that I kept fairly busy, a welcome surprise during the slowest point of the season. It has been harder than I expected to return after a nice long weekend. Luckily I have another few days off that will help ease me back in.

This week I have found myself daydreaming about doing other things...being with my kids more, traveling, missions, maybe being in an occupation that is more fullfilling. Of course money is always a key factor in all of these things. My greatest goal for 2009 is to continue the process of getting out of debt. I long for the freedom from bondage to creditors. I dream of being able to save huge portions of our income for the future. I am am hoping that with a lot of diligence we will come close to accomplishing these goals in 2009. We are seriously considering selling our home this summer when some terms in our mortgage become more favorable. A lot of our income is tied up in an adjustable rate mortgage that is higher than I would like. It is very difficult in this economy to decide the benefits to selling and perhaps settling for less than we want or sticking it out a little longer and not having as much extra to pay down debt. We both know we want something a little bigger, but if we do sell we may have to settle for an apartment for a short time to make the savings really add up. These are all difficult decision that we face this year, but I am determined to see our family free and prosperous in the coming years.

I apologize for the rambling. These were just thoughts rolling around in my head as I anticpate the year to come. I pray that this coming year will bring each one of you much joy and that you are blessed with the perseverance to see each dream, goal, or resolution through. If you fall off the wagon there is no shame in getting back on for another try! Happy New Year!