Turbulence Ahead

I have flown my whole life. I can't even recall my first flight, but you log a lot of air miles as a child when your dad works for an airline. I took the whole experience in stride. I even recall calming a few adult passengers when turbulence occurred and their agitation was high. Ironically my fear of flying has grown as I have grown. I'm not sure if this has something to do with worldly awareness, recent terrorism, or just the simple recgnition of my own mortality. Needless to say I am always hoping for a smooth flight in the days preceding any travel. When the pilot comes over and says their may be a little turbulence ahead I start to brace myself for the worst, but more often than not time passes and I look back a realize it was nothing more than a few bumps in the road so to speak.

I give this long analogy to preface my story for the day. I woke up to a typical Thursday, relieved it is one day closer to the weekend, but sad I still have two full days left two work. I hopped in the shower and decided I needed to pray. The shower is one of my favorite places to pray. In there it is just me and God... no interruptions. With things going along so well at home lately I dared not wonder when the next bout of usual domestic turbulence might arrive. With my day started out on the right foot, I was ready to go. I get out to find Kaylie downstairs laying on the couch still not feeling well. She has been sick for a few days. Chris and I start a discussin on what to do, and we both have our opinions. I take something said the wrong way, and then realize it is getting later and I could be late for work. This is where in my head we hear the captain come overhead,"Fasten your seatbelts, we may be experiencing some turbulence." There is apart of me that has a tendency to get defensive in tense situations. For once I decided to just shut my mouth. We made it to work and I decided to just let it go. Life is to short and I love my husband.

The point of my story is building upon yesterday's blog. I find that when I have let go of the control and allowed God to take preeminence the dreaded turbulent times become nothing more than just a few bumps in the road. The forseen nose dive suddenly becomes just a light chop. We are all human and until that glorious day of redemption we face a real world with challenges big and small. Will I slip up sometimes? Oh most definitely. Fortunately the grace and love of God are in hot pursuit of all who will let Him in. I'm hanging on to Him. It should be a beautiful ride!

Growing

This is the best word I can use to describe where our family is at right now.

Micah started doing something I never thought we would see. He slept through the night. It started at the end of last week, and he has kept it up. Of course he and Kaylie continue to grow physically. Soon Micah will be toddling around the house, and I know I will miss him wanting me to hold him all the time. Kaylie has decided she is a big girl. If I even call her my baby she firmly states,"no mommy, I'm a big girl!" or my favorite, "mommy, I'm not a baby, I'm a people." Where do kids come up with this stuff? I see Kaylie growing internally as well. She is more thoughtful about abstract concepts. We have talked a lot about spiritual things such as dying and where heaven is. It is exciting and a little sad as I realize there is nothing I can do to freeze time. All I can do is enjoy the moments and make the most of time.



Last week was definitely a watershed moments in my life as well as my relationship with Chris. For some unexplained reason a lot things came to a head that I had not properly dealt with. So many feelings of guilt, fear, and sadness finally were released, and we were able to have such a wonderful time of talking and sharing. God has totally shifted me in the past few weeks. There is so much peace in our home now. Not that things were always bad. In fact things were usually fine, but I know that because of underlying factors we were not experiencing full peace and joy.
As we have been going through the financial peace course it amazes that as we choose to discipline one area of our life that so many other things start coming into line.

If there is one thing I would like to impart from this whole blog is the power of release, and really letting go of the things that so easily hinder. The easiest choices are the hardest to make. Each day I am choosing to walk in forgiveness, choosing to love my family with abandonment, and choosing to let all of these choices be fueled by God's love and the work that Jesus did on the cross. Without His love all these decisions would be in vain.

Oh the Joys of Wednesday

I cannot even begin to express how happy I am that it is Wednesday and my work day is winding down. I have not had the rest I need this week, and my sleep deficit is really adding up. The weather is starting to show signs of spring and I am ready to get out with the kids and have some fun outdoorsy outings. Of course when the weekend arrives it is bound to be cold or raining.
This weekend we will be going to Chris' annual work Christmas party in March. This year it is at the Fort Worth Zoo so that should be cool. We haven't been on a date in awhile so I am looking forward to it. The kids are going to spend the night with grandma so we can actually go out afterwards and not worry about getting home and getting everyone to bed.

There is really nothing else going on. I just wanted to say I am glad to be on the downward slope of the week.

Packing Up Stuff and Keeping the Memories

Before I launch into today's blog, I want to conclude a little bit from my last blog. I do not have much to say at this time, but God is doing a work in my heart and life. Each day is a new day with its own battles, but I have the promise of abiding peace in Jesus. I will share more about the journey a little farther down the road.

Although we are still a few months out from selling our house and moving, we have already begun the tedious task of consolidating, cleaning out, and throwing away all that we have collected over the years. I have a love-hate relationship with change as I believe many people do. There are times when I grow weary of the stale routine, but when change is on the horizon I find myself clinging to the comfort and security of what I know best. As I begin to take inventory of what will come with us and what will have to go I fondly recall the wonderful memories we have experienced in this home, our first home. I knew from the beginning this was not the place we would settle down, raise a family, and grow old in. It is still not easy to let go and realize someone else will one day move in and make their home here. Someone else will sleep in my room, someone else will move their things into the rooms my children have called their own. Another family with gather around a dinner table in the place we used to share meals. I know I am a little sentimental. We are transitioning into a new phase. In the end it will be better. Sooner than later we will find that place where we can put our roots down, as Chris would say.
I may pack up a lot of stuff, but I will keep the old memories along for the ride.

Some Things

The past... I tried to bury you under layers of time, but you rear your head at the most inopportune times.

No matter how many times I look in the mirror and see a 25 year old mom and wife, I can't help but see just a girl who is trying to put makeup over her scars. Most of the time I feel just fine, but there are moments in time, small fragments that shoot me back to those dark days. I felt so grown up then. I thought I was making choices of my own, even if they were bad, but I never really paid attention to the manipulation of my fragile state by so many men. Some who made a career out of being pastors, and others who were just lost and looking for an easy place to escape. I was a great target, fitting to be the "other" girl Somehow,someway so many made it to my doorstep, and foolish as I was I let them in. I just wanted to be loved, and to feel like I meant something to someone. In the end my self worth was left battered and abused. Now I know all is forgiven and their is hope and a future, but how do I forget? When does the guilt and self loathing go away? Why must life seem right one moment, and a dark vacuum the next?

My mind knows so much truth, but at times I feel my heart is lagging.

Echoes of the Spirit

I must extend an apology for my missed post yesterday. Work has sped up just enough that it is difficult to keep a train of thought going as other things continue to take precedence.

I ended my last blog with reference to the jaded worshiper. It was not necesarrily the topic of the blog, but it is truly how I have been feeling for ahwile. My heart and spirit long after God, but my flesh feels so tired and weak. Cynicism and frustration often take their toll. Sunday night we gathered for Africa prayer watch. It was the first in over a month and to be honest Chris and I both felt less than enthused. What had been started to bring like minded people together to intercede on behalf of Africa had dwindled down to about six of us who were faithful on a regular basis. This was disappointing as so many people have gone on mission trips with my dad to Africa, and so many others had good intentions to come. Never the less here were were almost two years into it and the six of us labor away sometimes feeling like our prayers have accomplished little. As we launched into worship my heart felt so distant so blah.
We moved into a song called Jesus Be the Center and I felt the Spirit rise up inside of me. A line in the song says "Be the wind in theses sails." It was a perfect analogy for where I saw myself. Sometimes we have an idea of where we are going, but we have no idea how to get there. Sometimes our arms are tired from rowing with no direction. Sometimes we are not even sure where we are going anymore, but with Jesus as the wind in our sails were are guided and moved by the Spirit of the living God.

What can I pray? How do I pray? I have looked all around seeing godly men grow weary and men, once perceived as righteouss leaders, fall. It has become easier and easier to become isolated and disenchanted in the mass throngs of Christian culture that so often disappoint, but there is hope.
Romans 8:26-27
26In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;
27and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

In my darkest place and greatest weakness, the Spirit is interceding on my behald as well as yours. I felt something leap inside of me as I read such a passionate scripture. We are not lost or abandoned. The Spirit is intereceding, groaning on our behalf. Our hearts are being searched and purged according to the will of God.
Even in my dark, quiet hiding place, I am not alone. Even when I can do little, but cry out I hear the soft echo of the Spirit helping me in my weakness once more.

Inadequacy

It is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. It has been a battle for as long as I can remember. It plagued me severely in my teen years and caused me to make some detrimental decisions in my quest for significance.
I often find myself just trying to stay ahead of myself. Many pursuits in life I have hoped would erase that feeling have left me still wanting, from working to earn a degree, trying to better myself through career advancement, and trying to set up a home life that would make myself proud. Still to no avail that feeling comes creeping back. The loneliness and the questioning can sometimes be too much to bear.

A scripture came to my mind last night in John 4:24. Jesus stated," God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth." I realize much of the interpretation behind this is that our actions or truth of our life be a reflection of the one we worship. As I was contemplating this I realize part of worshiping in spirit and in truth is acknowledging the truth that we are weak and incomplete in this flesh, but as we worship in spirit acknowledging that it is not us, but Christ in us that completes us we find the true center of worship. The truth is the enemy knows me well and will do everything possible to make sure I feel as inadequate as possible, but I hold on to the truth of the Spirit. It is the righteoussness of Christ that covers me, and in Him I am complete, a new creation.

Join me tomorrow as I delve deeper into the hiding place of the jaded worshiper.