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Friday, April 26, 2013

Are You Done Yet?

When I was pregnant with my 3rd child everyone felt the need to ask the loaded question, "so are you done yet?" Seriously, at a critical, emotional juncture in my life you feel the need to jump into my personal life and demand an answer about something that is frankly none of your business.
Ok, ok, I know that is a little harsh, and for most people this is an innocent question used to spur on casual social interaction. Still for some people it is filled with a twinge of judgment, as if they feel the need to make me think about the dire consequences my procreation will cause.

*Just a little side note for anyone who may be concerned: we currently home school with money out of our own pocket  and personally take care of our children's basic needs. I do not say this to pass judgment on those who require government assistance. All children deserve the best start in life. We all need a little help from time to time.

Now I am do not personally subscribe to the quiver full mentality, but I also have changed a lot of my thinking about family.
I am happy where we are as a family. I am not actively pursuing a larger family, but I believe in a sovereign God and I'm just saying I'm not closed off to anything anymore. I used to need ultimate control in my life. The older I get the more I realize how silly that is. Of course I believe in wise planning and decision making, but I also believe that sometimes when all is said and done we just have to let go.

Tomorrow I am letting go of many baby items I have kept for many years. It is perhaps one of the hardest things I will do. There was something comforting in knowing they were just a few steps away in the attic. I realize now that clinging to those items is not what will determine the future, more children or not. For now I believe it is the season to let go. Who knows what the future holds, I am excited, scared, but mostly excited.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

and it's Wednesday

Do you ever feel like your failing miserable at this mom thing? I know I can google and find many mommy bloggers who all feel overwhelmed, tired, at their wits end. Of course as much as we try to relate there is something deeply personal about this experience. It is a walk that even  though billions of mothers will walk you must walk yourself. It will be slightly different. You will have to deal with all your faults and failures. All of the things you so carefully try to conceal from the world will meet you face to face as you  fumble through. I find it especially troubling for me today. I have known from the beginning that mothering did not come naturally to me. The hardest part is knowing I love my children more than anything, and yet feeling like I am completely inadequate at meeting their needs.
I start off Monday with the best intentions. I have a plan, I've prayed, I know God is with me. By Wednesday I am ball of tears huddled under my blankets trying to fight off depression with a dwindling little stick. Why during the most important endeavor of my life, raising the little ones who will be the future, why am I such a wreck? As I see all the flesh in me that is selfish, impatient, quick to anger, come bubbling to the surface, I am disgusted.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Watch Out World, This Little Man is About to Be Two!

Almost exactly two years ago to the hour I began to labor my dearest Isaac into this world. He barely missed being an April Fools baby by a mere hour and 40 minutes. Since the moment he was pulled from the water and laid in my arms he has been stealing my heart every day. I have grown as a mother in so many new ways. His strong willed spirit challenges me to dig deeper in God, and his boundless love and sense of humor remind me of the joys in simplicity. There was a time I couldn't imagine how anyone could juggle three kids. Now I cannot imagine how I could live without this precious force of life that makes our home so complete.
He has developed quite the singing voice. I personally have never met a child that picks up a song the first time he hears it. Every time he visits grandma's house he manages to find her ipod and request some crazy 70's song. Then we all get a kick out of watching him sing and dance his little heart out.
I cannot be grateful enough for God's perfect will that granted me the privilege of raising this awesome little guy. Happy Birthday Isaac Timothy Medrano. My love for you runs deeper than the oceans.