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Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Sometimes life is chugging along at a predictable pace, and then you look around at the scenery and realize something is just not right. Of course you meant to travel in the correct direction. You busily prepared and studied maps carefully. You were sure you had this thing figured out, and then you looked around and know that maybe in all the planning and careful scrutinizing you just got lost in it all.

This past week was one of those revelations of sort. I pride myself in having a pretty low maintenace lifestyle, but it also becomes pretty easy to hide my controlling tendencies behind that outward facade. I have probably blogged along these lines before, but sometimes the journey has a few similar pit stops when we don't learn our lesson the first time. I have goals and ideas for where I would like to see myself, my children, our family, and I can agonize over the smallest details trying to plan our way there. Of course I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and sad because after all I am only human. When I finally broke down to my most fragile state I see how in all this planning I can so easily miss all the small pleasures, and all the good God has placed along the way to help cheer me to the finish line. Instead I rely on my own knowledge and strength to get me there. This is so typical of our species which is perhaps why our world is running at such a maddening pace.

In my nature I cannot easily accept simply answers. In order to achieve stability I rationalize there must be some long sequence or equation to get me to that place, but I realized this was all completely in vain. Through many tears and a strugglle of the will I have come to the understanding that sometimes we must hit reset, and simply just tell God we will finally let go.