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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Scared but Excited

In just a few short months I will take a GIANT leap of faith. Come to think of it, it will be several giant leaps. I will muster all the the strength and courage I have to labor and birth this baby into the world naturally. I will summon every ounce of patience to take on the challenge of three children, two that will be boys...yikes! Perhaps the biggest leap will be my transition from the workplace to stay at home mom. It will be gradual. I plan to work part time for awhile after maternity leave just to keep things stable until we see where Chris and the new job are heading.
It really just hit me that after 6 years of working, praying, and hoping a day would come that I would be home with my kids, it will be here in three months or less. I am excited and I am scared all at the same time.

I'm a money person. I crunch our numbers and budget all the time. I have always worked and it has always been somewhat of a safety net for me. It is hard for me to sit back and let someone else be the primary bread winner. I know how important the role of mom and housewife is. I am not belittling that in any way. This is just what I have always done. When Chris lost his job in Septemeber it really shook all of my faith and confidence in our plan. My immediete reaction is to go to work and fix things, but I realized that this was a God thing. For some reason the importance of being home had elevated in my heart. In those months we learned about stretching our money more than ever. We also learned a lot about trusting God. I believe it is most important to do everything we can to provide for our family's, but sometimes we do all we can and then we let God meet us half way there.

The war of emotions still wages at times in my heart. Some days I wonder how the heck we will make it work. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to adjust from full time in the work place to being home with the kids. Then I look at my children and the desires God has placed in my heart for them, and I know this is where I am supposed to be for this season. It really has been a time in my life that is all about stretching and doing the things I never believed I could do.

Some people still wonder why I opted for a midwife, and why I would give up the comforting saftey net of modern drugs to tackle the rigors of labor. For me it is simply an outward expression of my faith for what God is doing on the inside. It is about running a race, enduring, stretching yourself beyond what you thought was possible, and then seeing God birth the incredible.