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Sunday, March 1, 2009

Some Things

The past... I tried to bury you under layers of time, but you rear your head at the most inopportune times.

No matter how many times I look in the mirror and see a 25 year old mom and wife, I can't help but see just a girl who is trying to put makeup over her scars. Most of the time I feel just fine, but there are moments in time, small fragments that shoot me back to those dark days. I felt so grown up then. I thought I was making choices of my own, even if they were bad, but I never really paid attention to the manipulation of my fragile state by so many men. Some who made a career out of being pastors, and others who were just lost and looking for an easy place to escape. I was a great target, fitting to be the "other" girl Somehow,someway so many made it to my doorstep, and foolish as I was I let them in. I just wanted to be loved, and to feel like I meant something to someone. In the end my self worth was left battered and abused. Now I know all is forgiven and their is hope and a future, but how do I forget? When does the guilt and self loathing go away? Why must life seem right one moment, and a dark vacuum the next?

My mind knows so much truth, but at times I feel my heart is lagging.

1 comment:

Father said...

When you can forgive yourself the you will fully accept your forgiven state.