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Saturday, July 24, 2010

And Then There Were Three

It was with some shock today that I learned I was pregnant with my third child. I am aware many people prefer to wait until a "safe" point to announce, but in my opinion a life is a life. If, God forbid, some tragedy were to befall us this baby would still have deserved every bit of excitement as any other. Today I announce to the world that little Medrano #3 will make their entrance into the world in late March or early April.

Today was certainly a day of mixed emotions. It is so strange, but it was like finding out I was pregnant for the first time. To say I am scared is an understatement. I spent a lot of the day crying. I feel guilty just saying that. I really am happy. I mean I think I always knew deep down inside that I was not finished having children. Still this was unexpected. I worried about money, about being able to leave my full time job, not having a big enough house, trying to balance attention between three children. I know it all probably seems silly in light of this great miracle of life. Of course I obviously have the emotions of a pregnant woman because everything makes me want to cry.

I didn't have any special way of telling Chris. He was busy with a project so by the time I picked him up I was such a mess I just kind of blurted it out. He was so happy and supportive. I'm sure it would have been a really sweet moment if I was not such a basket-case. We told the kids which I anticipated to be a little rocky. Kaylie has been pretty adamant to me about not wanting another brother or sister. I knew Micah would be mostly oblivious to this. He's never been the only child so he's always used to sharing attention. At first Kaylie looked a little upset. When we told her again with all certainty she was having another little brother or sister she started to warm up. I told her she has been such a great big sister and I know she will continue to be. I want her to feel involved, but not obligated. She seemed to perk up and started suggesting names for her potential brother or sister.

I have my first meeting with a midwife on Tuesday. Yes that's right Ms. two time epidural is going to venture into the realm of natural birth. I am quite nervous still about the prospect of giving birth outside of a hospital. I have been reading a lot about it before I even became pregnant. Of course when the chips are down every worst case scenario comes to mind. Still I have this desire to experience the joy and empowerment I have heard from so many woman who have chosen the less conventional route. I am actually hoping to have a water birth.
I am convinced that I have a higher tolerance for pain than the convenience of medical technology would have me think.

When I gave birth to Kaylie I was already dilated to 8cm by the time we reached the hospital. Why those nurses did not talk me out of an epidural I will never know. Actually I'm sure dollar signs had something to do with it. After receiving that epidural my labor slowed down to the point that they actually gave me pitocin to jump start things again. When I look back what I really needed was a gentle figure there to coach me through that last little bit of labor. Of course I just had a nurse who was inconvenienced at the fact that a woman actually showed up at the hospital on a Sunday morning for a ...gasp... a non induced labor.
Kaylie's birth is still so precious in my memories, but I still feel the pain of many decisions made on that day. Decisions I believe were made for the convenience of the medical staff and not my best interest,

Micah's delivery was fairly easy. Unfortunately my doctor convinced me we should induce Micah on the basis of Kaylie weighing in at 8lbs. 11 oz. at birth. When Micah went a bit past his due date it was all systems go. I wish I had been stronger and said no, but my fears from the last labor still lingered. Instead of working to assuage those fears, induction was the easy textbook answer. The pitocin caused me to launch into full on crazy hard contractions. Since I did not have the ability to gradually build up, the pain became excruciating. The anesthesiologist was just down the hall and was happy to oblige this miserable mommy. The actual labor was much shorter than with Kaylie. Much to our surprise Micah weighed in at 8lbs on the dot, even being late. Kaylie on the other hand was almost two weeks early. I really think God has a sense of humor in these things.

I share all of this to say I have not made this decision lightly. I am honestly looking forward to a more personal approach to maternity care. I also look forward to birthing this baby on my own terms, and not what the medical community deems ideal. Believe me I am not a doctor hater. Both of my OBGYN doctors were not bad. They simply do what they know to do in the context of a hospital setting. If for some reason I need to go to a hospital I have no qualms with it. I am just learning there may be a better way when it comes to birthing our children.

As I write I am still in some shock at the timing of these events. I am still adjusting to the changes. I know there is still a long journey ahead, but I am trying to let go. Not everything will always happen on my schedule. I may say it through tears but reliance on God is best perfected in a place that I do not have all the answers.

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