A Tribute to My Momma

Fifty years ago today my mother made her grand entrance into this world followed shortly by her twin sister Marla. It is really hard for me to believe my mom is 50. Seriously the woman has Benjamin Button syndrome and is aging in reverse. She worries about getting older but in a room full of other people her age she doesn't look like she could be past her 30's. When she is out with my kids people often refer to them as her children and are shocked to learn that they are in fact her grandchildren. So mom don't even fret about today, if there is indeed a fountain of youth, you have found it.

I could say a lot of things about my mom. People have often thought she was simply a quiet unassuming housewife, but I'm sorry to tell them they were all wrong.
My mom has always been the ideal mom. She stayed home to take care of use, chaffeured us here and there, ate lunch with us at school, had dinner ready on the dot, and supported and loved her husband in everything he did. She sacrificed a lot during those years. She dealt with a lot of grief from people, especially in the ministry, who did not understand or appreciate her giftings. She never became angry or bitter. To this day her heart is always for reconcilitation and restoration in relationships. She reaches out to those who other people forget. She gives of her time to be there for others. She truly is the Proverbs 31 woman.

Life was good for us kids. Unfortunately as I grew older my opinionated, feminist tendencies began to come out. While I had enjoyed the fruits of my mothers labor and sacrifices, I despised the thought of being a stay at home mom. I couldn't understand how she could be happy and content being home raising a family. My teenage years in the house were a little...well strained for lack of a better word.
My mother has always been a God fearing woman and she did her best raising us and praying for us, but I of course felt the need to break free of the shackles that I felt were strict and legalistic. I am ashamed of the many times I know she went to bed in tears because of things I said. No matter what she stood by me and prayed for me and loved me. We learned a lot from each other. It was probably not until I was engaged to Chris that things started to change in our relationship
My first year of marriage really changed our relationship. She become my closest friend and confidant. In many ways we met each other half way. I finally realized that my immaturity had blinded me to many of the things only a mother can see.
My mom met me by softening and letting me air some of my views which she would correct if neccessary with truth and love.
She really stepped out of her comfort zone, and did what she had to love and not lose her children.

I love that about my mother. She has not been afraid to grow and change through the years. Don't get me wrong, this woman will never compromise her core beliefs and principles, but she speaks the truth in love. People know that she can be trusted. Experience has taught her not to judge quickly, and she is reaping the benefits of that. She has allowed her love to spill outside the church walls without reservation. She is a godly woman who gets up at 4am to be on her knees before the Lord praying for her family and friends.

My mother is an excellent grandmother. She has been such a blessing to us watching Kaylie and Micah when I had to work. She has gone out of her way to not just watch them, but to take them places and do things I would do if I could be home. They truly feel like her home is their home. She has been patient enough to once again put up with the messes and behavior hiccups that come with two children, and she doesn't bat an eye. Because of her I don't worry about whether my kids are getting good care. The best part is they are in a place where they feel loved.

Here's to a woman of God, a beloved daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, and friend. We always joke together that her life is just starting as she has started to really come out of her shell. I really do believe the next half of her life will be even more spectacular than the first.
I love you mom! Now go finish changing the world.

Scared but Excited

In just a few short months I will take a GIANT leap of faith. Come to think of it, it will be several giant leaps. I will muster all the the strength and courage I have to labor and birth this baby into the world naturally. I will summon every ounce of patience to take on the challenge of three children, two that will be boys...yikes! Perhaps the biggest leap will be my transition from the workplace to stay at home mom. It will be gradual. I plan to work part time for awhile after maternity leave just to keep things stable until we see where Chris and the new job are heading.
It really just hit me that after 6 years of working, praying, and hoping a day would come that I would be home with my kids, it will be here in three months or less. I am excited and I am scared all at the same time.

I'm a money person. I crunch our numbers and budget all the time. I have always worked and it has always been somewhat of a safety net for me. It is hard for me to sit back and let someone else be the primary bread winner. I know how important the role of mom and housewife is. I am not belittling that in any way. This is just what I have always done. When Chris lost his job in Septemeber it really shook all of my faith and confidence in our plan. My immediete reaction is to go to work and fix things, but I realized that this was a God thing. For some reason the importance of being home had elevated in my heart. In those months we learned about stretching our money more than ever. We also learned a lot about trusting God. I believe it is most important to do everything we can to provide for our family's, but sometimes we do all we can and then we let God meet us half way there.

The war of emotions still wages at times in my heart. Some days I wonder how the heck we will make it work. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to adjust from full time in the work place to being home with the kids. Then I look at my children and the desires God has placed in my heart for them, and I know this is where I am supposed to be for this season. It really has been a time in my life that is all about stretching and doing the things I never believed I could do.

Some people still wonder why I opted for a midwife, and why I would give up the comforting saftey net of modern drugs to tackle the rigors of labor. For me it is simply an outward expression of my faith for what God is doing on the inside. It is about running a race, enduring, stretching yourself beyond what you thought was possible, and then seeing God birth the incredible.

It May Be Crazy, but I'll Take It

Late Christmas day I stood in the kitchen washing dishes. My feet were tired and I was generally just emotionlly and physically tired. I love Christmas, but after a long two days of last minute shopping, hauling gifts to grandparents, hauling gifts home, and cooking my body was exhausted. I quickly realized that maybe there were one too many toys that made various squeaks and noises. Couple that with the occasional sibling argument over a toy, and I was ready to lock myself away for some peace and quiet.

I love to look back on these moments because God has a way of subtly shifting the heart's focus. As the ipod played Christmas music in the background a song came on that instantly took me back six years in time. I was a broken woman, broken from loss. I was still recovering from a miscarriage two months prior. It was a pregnancy I had not particularly planned or been too enthusiastic about in the beginning which made the eventual loss all the more devastating. God had been working in me to build the heart of a mother. Before I was all too selfish and absorbed with the inconvenience a child could bring. As my heart and mentality began to change I was crushed when it all seemed to be ripped away with one trip to the doctor and a heartbreaking sonogram.

That Christmas all my heart longed for was a child, not a baby to replace the one lost, but to soothe the aching mother's heart that had been conceived, but not fully formed. Little did I know that Christmas season that just two weeks later I would find out I was carrying our beloved Kaylie. She was my Christmas gift, and one that would carry Chris and I to a new level of love as people and parents. God was faithful to us that Christmas and has continued that work of chiseling a mother's heart into me.

As I came back to the reality of loud toys and boisterous children I looked at the situation from a different place. These children are my gifts and my inheritence. It may be crazy and I may be tired, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

What Did I Do to Deserve This?

I probably have uttered this phrase countless times when everything is going wrong in life. I think most of us have at some point. It is probably best that God is gracious and does not usually answer this question directly, because honestly if it were a game of what we deserve it would not be pretty on our side. Six months ago I was on an uphill climb of faith. I don't pretend I had it worse than many others, but as for each of us our problems can become very real, dark, and looming.

I stand hear today and once again say, "What did I do to deserve this?" Except this time I ask for very different reasons. As of this day I am standing on a mountain that I did not believe I could ever climb. Please indulge me as I rattle off the incredible blessings God has given our family.

1. Chris was hired on with a new company as of last week. He is truly enjoying the new company, and excited about the opportunitues it can bring. In a job market that has many people looking for sometimes 6 months to a year, we were blessed that it took just a little over two months.
2. Chris is working a job with the hours we desired. Many of the jobs Chris looked at while job hunting would require that he be gone late into the night or for extended periods of time. While we were willing to accept anything, God was good in meeting the desires of our heart, and he is able to be home with the famliy in the evenings.
3. We did not lose our house or default on any major payments during the period of unemployment. This is truly amazing in itself. My first fears were that we would lose everything, or at least fall behind on everything. We have had enough to carry us through, and will be carried through seamlessy as income starts flowing again.
4. I have wonderful, beautiful children. They are extremely loving in every way possible. While they like to try my patience, not a day goes by that I am not overwhelmed with a full heart from their, hugs, cuddles, and kisses.
5. I have Chris who is patient, loving, and steadfast. He is the iron in my life that sharpens me. He has put up with my intense moments of frustration during these last 6 months, and is still there with loving arms when I need to swallow my pride and apologize. He makes me laugh, and always sticks up for me. He gets me for who I am. When I look at him I wonder how I ever could be afraid of losing a house when I always have a home with him.
6. I have a son on the way named Isaac who God has chosen to bless us with. While he was conceived of God's timing and not our own, I am convinced all the more that God's plan is perfect for him. If I though my heart could not be any more full with love, I cannot imagine the joy and love about to explode into our lives this spring.
7. Wonderful friendship. This season has brought back my dear, sweet Alyson. While miles have separated us she has always been my closest friend. Through a series of events we have been able to reconnect, and I must say it has been absolutely wonderful having her back in my life. While we do not share blood, she is a sister to me and always will be.
8. Family that sticks with you. I know it can be done, but I cannot imagine how hard it would be to live far away from family. I am blessed to have caring people not too far away who are willing to help bear the load when times are tough.
9. I have been given life!

In refelction this year has been a lot about growth. That is wonderful, delightful, and painful growth. I'm sure I have not experienced that last of my trials, but as I sit here today basking in peace and the realization that God does work all things together for our good, I'm just grateful.

What's In a Name?

It looks like we will be adding some more testoserone to our household in a few months. Yes, we are having another baby boy! Finding out it was a boy is a whole other dramatic story for another blog, so I will save the analysis of that.

One reason I enjoy finding out what the baby will be is I like to start referring to the baby by name. It starts to cement their place in the family before they even arrive. I know many others have a different viewpoint in regards to this. I will only say it is a very personal decision, as is almost every aspect of gestating and birthing a child.

When we found out it was a boy we immedietly began running through the mental list of names we had. Chris was completely convinced it was a girl so we had spent the better part of our time thinking of girl's names. It was quite a frustrating process for me. With Kaylie and Micah I was almost immedietly certain on their names. It came so naturally I never dreamed I would have such a hard time.

Names are important. I truly believe they convey so much about the person as well as family heritage, and by heritage I don't necessarily mean family names. I think of heritage as more about where we have been, where we are, and where we are going.

There were many names we tossed around, but we usually could not agree on a first and second name that really sounded right.
I began to pray this morning that God would reveal to me the name He had for this child. I wanted to hear it and love it, and I wanted it to speak destiny into his life.
I began perusing over the baby name sites for what seemed like the millionth time. Suddenly the name Isaac stuck out to me. The meaning was: He will laugh. Immedietely I thought about all we have been through in these last few months. I thought about the frustration and the heartaches. I then remembered that in the Bible Isaac was the fullfillment of the promise God made to Abraham. He was the result of faith.
We have been on quite the journey of faith this past year, and yet we are continuing to see the promises of God fullfilled in our lives.
How perfect this name is. In spite of the hardship of this past year what joy this baby will bring to our home. I believe that he will indeed be filled with laughter and bring the blessing of joy and promise to all he meets. The middle name has been quite a sticking point for every name we picked out. I went back to a name I like which is Timothy which means to honor God.
So our son will herby be known as Isaac Timothy Medrano.
He will laugh to honor God.
Let it be so.

Turkeys, Unemployment, and Other Thoughts

It's been a long and winding road this fall season. We went from the devastation of job loss, to the excitement of a job offer one week later. This was short lived as we found out the following week that the company decided to eliminate two of the positions they were hiring for. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. God and I had a lot of conversations during this time. We had to make some tough choices, that were not ideal. In spite of this thanks to Chris' diligent saving while at Thomson, things are tight but not too uncomfortable. The following months have been filled with job searches, interviews, and job fairs. I would love to say I have stayed completely calm and sane at all times. Unfortunately that is very hard for a woman, and a pregnant woman at that. Fridays are usually difficult. I suppose it is just that if no job prospects have panned out for the week I feel a little defeated, but by Monday God is faithful to renew my spirit. Chris has a pretty good prospect that he interviewed for this week. Of course I think I become more of a nervous wreck after an interview, because waiting is not my strong suit. No matter what God has taken care of us. I thought I would be entering the holiday season with dread, but if anything it has reinforced the things that are most important to me in life. We still have reason to celebrate, even if the material side is a bit smaller, our joy is no more diminshed.

Speaking of holidays next week is my favorite holiday. I absolutely love Thanksgiving. Of course

I love Christmas as well, but there is something special about Thanksgiving. It still has all the excitement and anticipation of holidays to come, yet it sheds all the glitz and glamor in favor of a more understated approach to giving and sharing. Instead of worrying about what to buy or how much to spend we can come together with family and friends to give of ourselves and our most precious possession, time. Just thinking about gathering together in a home filled with warmth and love fills my heart with warm fuzzies. Turkey... this is another thing that makes Thanksgiving great. What other time of year can you find grocery stores fighting for customers with awesome deals like a 13 lb turkey for less than five dollars? How awesome is that???!!!

Hmmm let's see ,news on the baby front. I am 21 weeks along today. Time is really flying by with this pregnancy. With the holidays coming up I am sure that will shoot this pregnancy into warp speed. We find out the gender of the baby on December 7th, providing baby Medrano is cooperative. I wasn't sure how excited I would be in the beginning since we already have one of each. As we get closer I find I am really excited to know. I am the mom that cleans the attic and then looks at old baby clothes and cries remembering when my babies were well babies. It is a bit thrilling to think a lot of those tiny clothes are going to get used again. My best friend of many years will also be joining us for the sonogram which I am super excited about. With distance and our busy lives we didn't see much of each other when the other kids were babies. It is really wonderful to share this experience with such a dear friend.

I have experienced some anxiety along the way knowing that I will be birthing this baby naturally without the aid of drugs. The epidural was always my safety net. Some days I feel like a strong woman who can do anything, even tackle the rigors of labor. Then there are other days when I worry that I won't make it and I may just die right in the middle of it all. I know I am a bit dramatic. No matter what my fears, I have never felt more comfortable with my birth decision as I do now. I know that no matter what the outcome the God given strength is within, and He will carry me through.

To all my readers, yes all 3, maybe 4 of you have a very happy Thanksgiving. In lean times, and in times of plenty life is still a precious gift to be thankful for.

Precious Promises

Friday afternoon I was hit with the gut wrenching news that Chris had lost his job. Talk about a slap in the face. With our third child on the way I had already been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety over finances, a car that we had already poured way too much money into, and trying to figure out how we could make it work so I would stay home. For the last two months I have wrestled with God over the question we all ask at one time, "Why me?" Many dark nights I struggled with God. Why did He seem so distant? Why did He place desires in my heart that He now seemed so unwilling to fullfill? The news Friday just felt like the icing on the cake, might I add really bad icing on a burnt cake. Although the news was devastating I felt more broken than angry. For the first time in months I lost the will to fight or question, all I could do was sob. All of the fears of losing everything were there, but mostly I just felt so low, so humbled.

Saturday was difficult. I cried a lot. I wanted to sleep and just forget everything. In the shower I began to sing the old Hymn, On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand. Tears streamed down my face, and finally I felt what I had been missing for some time. The sweet presence of God beginning to fill and permeate the brokeness. I had finally surrendered to the work He really wanted to do in me. Sunday things began to feel better. Obviously our problems were not solved overnight, but I felt peace. I was able to smile and laugh more. I looked at my husband and children and felt nothing but gratefulness for their presence and steadfast love. Our circumstances took on a new light as I saw an opportunity for our family to draw closer together. Finally, yes maybe this can be a good thing.

I have come to find through the years that I am a planner. I want everything to go as planned. I would like God to come through for me on my timetable, and yet I want to still have some control in the matter. What I did not realize is how I was short changing myself for God's processes. They are not always fun processes, in fact somtimes they are messy and bring a certain amount of humility that I would rather just skip on. Oh how important these processes are though. I held an ongoing argument with God for two months, and in one day He washed away every pretense I could hide behind. Suddenly I realized how insignifcant my control really is, and how significant surrender is to His precious promises. One of those promises that has continued to stand out in my mind is at the very end of Matthew. After Jesus had given his disciples their last instructions He finished off with this in Matthew 28:20b
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age

I have heard this verse so many times it starts to lose its true value. As I let it sink in it is like a warm blanket to the soul and spirit. Jesus has promised His people He is not leaving. He is not going anywhere. There are no surprises in this life that throw Him off guard. We only fool ourselves if we think we can work the system. Could I lose everything of worldy value? Sure that could happen. I believe though that God is good, and He desires my good. As I believe in that, and lean heavily on Him the good in life just naturally works itself out. Walking with God is a win win situation when I let Him take control.

As of today I have not received a million dollar check in the mail. I have not been given a raise. Chris has not found a job just yet, but I am grateful. Our money is stretching more than I thought it would. I just looked at the bank account this morning to crunch some numbers, and I was shocked to find we should be just fine through this next month. Chris has had one job interview already that went well. We hope to possibly hear something by the end of the week. I have felt even closer to Chris as we work together to keep things going. I know it may sound silly, but I was rejoicing so much on the inside today. I know I have a Father who loves me. He desires all good things for me, but what is more important to Him is the state of my heart.