So We Continue

It is amazing how life can change so drastically in split seconds. I am still adjusting to a new outlook on life. Since dad's diagnosis I have stepped back and took stock of many things in life. Many things change, but one thing has remained constant. This is my ever present need to trust only in God and rely solely on the life giving power of Jesus Christ.
We have so much to be thankful for. Dad finished the first round of chemo last Tuesday. He has done so well. Even many of the nurses thought he looked just a little too well to be in the oncology ward. The downside to this was dad was feeling a bit stir crazy. He's never been one to sit around. Just a month ago he was cutting down a giant tree in their backyard. Probably not the best idea in hindsight knowing what we know now, but never the less you can see he's always working hard. After a week in the hospital he was ready to be home. The doctor was obviously very cautious about sending him home too early. The risk of infection was still too great. Thursday his blood counts were looking a lot better. On Friday the doctor gave him the green light to head home after one more platelet transfusion. We are all elated. He is still healing and working through some of the side effects of the chemo, but he is a trooper. He will go for an appointment on Monday to check his blood levels again. He should start the second phase of treatment in August. Please continue to pray for his complete healing. I also ask for prayer for renewed strength and energy. Please pray for continued encouragement from the Holy Spirit and friends as the enemy loves to come in when we aren't feeling at our best and speak lies and bring discouragement.
In other great news my parents will celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary on Monday. What a testament of God's love and faithfulness! That is one thing I love about these two. They stick it out through thick and thin. My mom stayed at that hospital every night with my dad. I heard many people comment that maybe she should just go home for a night, but she was not going to leave his side. I know he would do the same for her. I am proud to call them my parents and proud of the representation they are on this earth of the love Jesus has for His people.
I would also like to ask all those who pray to continue to remember our family in prayer. There has been a lot of craziness in life and experiencing all of these things with three young children in tow is not the easiest. Chris has been an awesome husband and taken on a second job so I can be home with the kids. While I am forever grateful for his hard work, it is still difficult as I was spoiled to having his great help in the evenings. The kids also miss having him home more. We are working through this season with joy and perseverance, but sometimes the joy takes a little extra effort!
I appreciate every prayer and kind word that has been spoken to me and my family during this season. It has been an experience that has impacted me and made my love grow deeper for the family of God.

When God's Ways are Not Our Ways

I am still scratching my head. How did we go from sitting at a chik-fil-a with the kids on a Saturday to a leukemia diagnosis on Monday? The human mind was not made to process these whirlwinds of change. For those who are completely lost a brief summary:
Saturday my mom called to tell us she was taking my dad to the ER. He had been drained all week and started having chest pains and feeling winded. Heart disease runs in his family so he worried he was either having a heart attack or at least some serious blockage. While this was not welcome news to me, I felt prepared for this. My grandfather is in his 80's and survived two heart attacks while still putting right along. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I knew he was doing the right thing by going in early. I figured they would get this fixed and he'd be back on his merry way in no time.

We all rushed up to the ER and crammed into the tiny room. They had drawn blood and noticed it was low. They were talking transfusion to get him back up to par. Still nothing seemed weird at this point. A Dr. showed up and said he was their to look at the blood results and he would be back with us. After a really short period he was back. He started explaining the results of the blood test. My dad's red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets were all dangerously low. He was told he basically had no immune system. I'm just trying to process what this has to do with having a heart attack when I hear the word Leukemia thrown out. Wait what is he talking about? Did he not realize we were here for chest pains? He obviously had the wrong room. It is amazing how many thoughts flash through your head in a single moment when life delivers you a swift slap to the face. I didn't want to appear weak, but my eyes flooded with tears. This was my daddy, the guy who's always strong, nothing unexpected happens to him. Immediately the Lord spoke to my spirit, Crystal, you know I am good right? Of course I do, but God can't I just have a moment? This kept impressing on my spirit. I felt that we should begin to pray. I knew it was God's desire for us to to acknowledge His goodness no matter what the circumstance no matter what the outcome. So we set the stage for what was to come. I am sorry Satan, but you have already lost this first battle, God is good and you will not convince us otherwise.

They had to take a bone marrow biopsy Sunday to confirm what they suspected. Late Monday the doctor delivered the preliminary results which confirmed acute leukemia. He wanted to begin treatment right away. The prognosis is good because he caught this very early, but the window is short. We were told if he had waited even a month, he could have been dead. If you asked anyone they would never see a blessing in a family history of heart disease. For once I do. If my dad had no history of heart disease he probably wouldn't have taken those chest pains as seriously. He probably would have attributed his tiredness to a cold or virus coming on. While the chest pains ended up being related to the anemia from his blood, God used those warning flags to preserve his life.

I am still processing all of this. I anticipate many blogs to come as we fight this fight together. My dad has at least two weeks in the hospital while they begin the first rounds of treatment. The biggest goal is to build his immunity back up. It is a miracle that he has not caught anything the week prior as he went about his normal life working and being around people.

It may sounds strange, but this has been one of the hardest , but sweetest weeks of my life. As we lean heavily on the Lord and each other it has built such a sweet sense of unity. I have enjoyed just sitting and talking with my dad. Suddenly a lot of life's silly distractions just don't seem that important.
I love my dad so very much. I believe my heart hurt more because I did not want to see him walk through any pain. All night Saturday I thought about being a little girl again. The times that were simple and unmarred by the hormones and drama that the teenage years bring. I thought about the many times my dad needed to tell me something important, something I might not really understand. He would sit me on his lap. Sometimes he cried, but he was always a source of strength. I miss those days sometimes. I learned so much about the great character of my dad just being with him. Now we are at a point where we need an even greater Father, our sweet Father God to hold us both on His lap. His ways are not our ways, but He is faithful to hold us when we just can't quite understand and be a source of strength.

We have appreciated so many people who have visited and sent comments and prayers. We continue to enjoy visitors but ask that anyone who is sick refrain from coming at this time. Even a common cold could be dangerous with his current immunity levels. We have also been asked by the doctors not to allow any flowers, plants, or fresh fruits and vegetables in the room due to the bacteria they can harbor. Cards and prayers are always welcome.

We are standing in faith that God will bring complete healing to my dad's body. I am believing that he will come out not only healed but completely rejuvinated in mind, body, and spirit.
If you take anything with you today please let it be that God is a good God. He remains the same no matter what the circumstance or what the outcome. He does not change. Blessed be His name!

Oh Sleep....Will We Ever Meet Again?

I can't lie. Lack of sleep is really starting to catch up to me. Isaac will be 14 weeks old this Saturday and he still does not sleep through the night. There was one blessed night two weeks ago. He slept until 6am. I never knew how refreshing uninterrupted sleep until 6am could be. I was excited and hopeful. Perhaps, I thought, we are on the downward slope. My optimism was quickly dashed the next night when he made up for it by waking up at 2am and 4am. Isaac is such a sweethart and I know it takes longer for some babies to get to that point. Nevertheless I started to calculate how long it has really been for me considering I did not sleep through the night during the last months of pregnancy, and I am going on 6 months now. It really starts to not only come down to quantity but quality. On the weekends Chris has really tried to let me sleep a little longer, but the interruptions really make a difference. I am getting a first hand glimpse of how effective sleep deprivation could be as a means of torture.
One day I will care about taking the time to really fix my hair, one day I'll be up early just to exercise, one day my mind will be a little more than mush.

Seriously though, I am enjoying the journey, even if I'm a little groggy along the way. Isaac continues to be such a joy. I haven't weighed him since his two month check-up, but he is definitely over 14 lbs. He just started rolling over, but he has been scooting himself across a blanket for a couple of weeks. He is such a cuddle bug. His smile melts my heart everyday. I love to watch his siblings interact with him. They love him so much.

I am learning to embrace the challenges of being a part time stay at home mom of three kids. While things are definitely tight with me working less, I have gained something so much more. I used to go to bed feeling like maybe I hadn't done enough with the kids. What if I woke up one morning and they were all grown up, and all I had was regret for not taking the time to really enjoy their lives? Each day is not perfect, and I struggle to adapt, but I feel like each day is truly seized. I am so grateful for each day I am given to watch my kids grow, and to grow with them.
I suppose there are many more years ahead to catch up on sleep.

From the Mom Who Never Wanted to Breastfeed

Isaac will be 12 weeks tomorrow and I am proud to say he has never have had a drop of formula touch his little lips. At almost 14 pounds he is a happy, healthy little guy who loves nothing more than to take time out from a crazy day and be close to nurse.
I'm not here to argue the benefits of formula or breastfeeding. The last thing people respond well to is a perceived judgmental attack. No, this is just my story, my experience as a mama who never really wanted to breastfeed, yet here I am with my third baby and I have reached a pivotal milestone in my motherhood journey. It is a personal milestone. Isaac is the first child I will have exclusively breastfed for this long, and while we're at it I figure, why stop?
When I found out I was pregnant with Kaylie I wasn't really sure how I felt about breastfeeding. Obviously in our society it wasn't something I was around a lot. I felt it was surely not possible to exclusively breastfeed. It just seemed so restrictive. I wouldn't want to admit it, but secretly I wasn't ready to give up my freedom and have the breast ready at a baby's beck and call. I thought I might give it a try, and maybe use some formula as well. I look back now and realize the reason I failed at breastfeeding was that I was never truly committed. My heart wasn't there. Breastfeeding is not something you can casually give a try, it is a commitment to riding out the hardships that occur those first few weeks.. It is believing that beyond those early inconveniences lies a bond that will be sweeter than you ever imagined. I did try to breastfeed Kaylie, but I had not prepared the support I would need to see it through. At the first sign of hardship I jumped on the formula bandwagon. I quickly took offense at any le leche league ad I saw. I would think to myself how preachy these people were. Did they really think I didn't love my child as much because I formula fed? I will be the first to say that anyone can love their children deeply no matter how they feed their children. My mother tried desperately to breastfeed me, but for medical reasons I needed more nutrition than her body could give. I have no doubt she loved me very deeply even as she fed me with a bottle. What I have learned is that breastfeeding creates a beautiful bond that is not only beneficial for baby in terms of development, but it gives a whole new layer of meaning to giving your life for your child.
None of my attempts at breastfeeding have been easy. I tried a little harder with Micah, but an early return to work made it difficult to build the supply I needed to make it work. I remember the first night I realized I really had no milk to give him anymore. I was surprised at the heartbreak I felt. When I had Isaac I was determined to make it work.
The first couple of weeks I really had to work on Isaac's latch. I purposed I would stick with it, and did not allow any formula in the house those weeks. You do not know how tempting it is to make a bottle when you are tired at 2am and trying to get a baby latched on.
Like I said I am not here to preach, but share an experience. I can honestly so I am so happy to have made it 3 months already. I know many breastfeeding pros out there may look at this number as small, but to me it is an accomplishment. As I take time at work to pump I feel a sense of pride knowing I can do something for my baby even when we are apart. It makes me feel closer to him. I love coming home and seeing his eyes light up. He is so happy to get close and nurse after a long day. I have found once past those early days, breastfeeding is the easiest thing I have done. I don't miss washing bottles. I love that I can comfort him wherever we are. I used to be very self conscious about feeding in public. I'm still not one to just whip them out and start feeding, there are a lot of creepy people out there, but I have mastered the use of the nursing cape with whatever is available. I love being able to feed and go right back to sleep. Most importantly I love how close we are. As I bonded with Kaylie and Micah I had a lot of hidden selfishness I had to work through. In God's grace I have a deep abiding bond with both of them. With number 3 I have finally realized the benefit of what was initially perceived as short term sacrifice. A little perseverance and patience in the beginning can pay off with a lifetime of love. Isn't that what the whole experience of parenting is all about?
I am happy to say the only time we have issue with Isaac's latch is when he can't stop smiling, and I'm okay with that!

My Satisfaction

As I sit here with a two month old staring into my eyes , melting my heart with sweet coos, I strain to imagine what life was like before all of this. I love how seamlessly God knits our new little ones into our hearts and family. Isaac has been more than a joy to each of us, and I have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of the opportunity to be home. Yes this is true even if there were and still are those moments that I believe I have reached my wits end.
Monday I will go back to work part time, two days a week. I have cried many tears over this. I am grateful it is not full time. I keep reminding myself that two days is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and yet as I sit nursing Isaac and listen to my children laugh as they play and enjoy their fleeting youth, I realize two days is everything to me.
I feel I have grown leaps and bounds in just two months. I have learned more about myself. I have learned more about my children. I have grown closer to Chris. Most importantly I have learned to rely completely and wholly on my Savior Jesus Christ .
There don't seem to be a lot of immediate rewards for sitting up with a baby at 3 am, wiping butts, wearing spit up in lieu of hair gel, and refereeing sibling spats. Yes, not always immediate, but something about mothering has put me in touch with the eternal. It is such a beautiful parallel to the walk with the Lord. When I'm just not feeling the mommy thing some days, I think about legacy. When I go into the workplace I may be the most awesome worker around. I may reach all the coveted achievements, but in the end I am replaceable. In the end no one will remember me for those accomplishments. Then I think about my children, ah MY children. I am shaping and molding for the future, creating deep ties that bind. I am praying and believing for their little lives to be changed, and that they will go out as salt and light in a dark world.
What a journey it is, and I am loving it. I pray for grace as things change a bit again. I know that He is more than willing to give it. I also know that only He knows the deepest desires of my heart, and with God all things are possible!

Humbling

I must say being a mother is the most humbling experience. I realize on a daily basis that it is not all about me. Without Jesus I can't do this thing.
Some days I feel like a failure, but I will just keep getting back up because that's what makes a winner in this life.
I will try my hardest and when I come up short, I've got grace to pick up the slack.
Thank you Jesus!

Juggling

I really thought I would have more time to write here once I was home. I am laughing at myself as I write that. Who am I kidding? Staying home with three kids under the age of five has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. I really do love having this time with them, and I am not missing the work world. We are definitely still adjusting to a routine. I feel like I am always just staying ahead enough to keep from wiping out completely . It is like being on a treadmill that speeds up at regular intervals.
Chris continues to tell me not to be so hard on myself, that this is all still new and things will settle down soon enough. I will continue to try and believe him. I am lucky that he is there with an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on as I continue to hash all of this out.
I have found my greatest challenge to be an adorable little 2 1/2 year old boy that has more energy pulsing through his veins than I can keep up with. Micah has hit that age where constant arms length supervision is a must. He has figured out that when nursing I am kind of out of commission for a bit. He deems these as the best times to flush whole roles of toilet paper down the toilet, help himself to a snack (this is usually something messy like yogurt), and go treasure hunting in his sisters room. Those off you who have little brothers know what kind of mess this leads to.
Nevertheless we are still alive and well. I am learning and grateful for the time God has given me with my children. Every moment I want to tear my hair out I remember what great patience and love God deals with me. Of course at the end of a long day when the two oldest shower me with hugs and I love you's, or when Isaac finishes eating and gives me a huge gummy smile, my heart melts.
Maybe juggling can be fun, once you get the hang of it.
Yes it is all worth it.