Birth, What Have You Done to Me?

I've kind of become obsessed with everything birth related lately. Is this common for others who experience the joy of midwife care and conclude with a natural birth experience? In this crazy sort of way I want to go back and revisit my own birth experience. It seems like crazy talk, believe me I know. I guess that oxytocin really does a number on the brain. It's just that it all happened so quickly. My life was forever changed, and now I live vicariously reading other people's birth stories. I read up on everything birth related. All of the latest articles on hospital birth statistic, home birth statistics, you name it, if its birth related I want to know.
In reality I know I am nowhere near ready to attempt another pregnancy. The Lord knows I could use a few full nights of rest. I really felt Isaac would be the completion of our little family, yet sometimes I feel a twinge of sadness that this is it. It took me 5 years to build up the courage to do things differently, and its hard to accept not experiencing it all again.

I am really not here to blog about whether or not to have another baby. I believe that will work itself out in due time. I guess what I'm really wondering is if this new found love of all things birth will subside? Is it a new passion, a calling? Perhaps it's just something that comes with the empowerment of delivering in my time, my way. I just know I have such a burning desire to see all women realize the power God has placed within them. I want women to see that birthing children is not simply a burden that must be masked or rushed through just to get the end result. It is an awesome journey, that is bigger than you, and yet you were given every capability to see it through. I want women to learn to trust their instincts, and stop letting doctors make decisions that are of more benefit to themselves that the patient.

I'm not looking for a career right now. I definitely have a full plate at the moment. I would love to hear from other mamas who have taken this journey. Did you find yourself enthralled with birth after your own delivery? Did you sometimes feel sad that it was over? I might be the only crazy one there. I don't know what the future holds. I may never hold a professional career as a midwife, doula, or birth educator, but I do know that the story is forever on my heart. I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Six

Six years. I have been so busy with Isaac and just trying to keep my wits about me with three, I woke up and realized my little girl is turning six on Sunday. As I was up tonight cleaning and preparing for her party all of my emotions and sentiments welled up inside. In the still quiet house my own thoughts became a lot louder and clearer than they are most days.
She's growing up. Yes I know it's only 6. For some reason this is harder than 5 for me. Perhaps it is because this is the year she would have started school if we had chosen not to homeschool. Perhaps it is the fact the Chris and I were reminiscing a few days ago about the last 10 years we have spent since we met. In many ways it seems like a lifetime ago, we have grown and changed so much, yet I can't even believe 10 years could have passed. I asked him if he realized that in 10 more years we would have a 16 year old? At times that seems so distant, but in reality I don't want to think about it because I know how fast time will fly. I always tell Kaylie how it was like only yesterday that I held her in my arms, a fresh, newborn babe. She always laughs and says I am silly. "It seems like a long time growing up for me," she always tells me. I know there is no sense arguing. She is right. It was one of those things we never really experience until we are there.

I sat down to write this and I don't really feel like it went the direction I wanted. What I meant to say is that I love my Kaylie Joyce so very much. A new love I had never known was birthed in me the day I birthed her. I was so proud to call her mine. As she was my first, she has graciously allowed me to grow with her, as I make the common first time parenting mistakes. I have continuously been in awe of her intelligence, beauty, and inner strength. She has a strong mind, and while this can be a challenge, I would not have it any other way. I see Christ molding her and working in her heart. I feel excitement to watch her walk the path He has laid out for her, and sometimes I feel sadness. If there is one thing I am learning it is that my children are gifts on loan to me. One day I will have to let her go fulfill the plans God has for her life. Knowing this only makes our time that much more sacred.

Kaylie I have loved every moment being your mom. I look forward to many more birthdays, many more experiences, and many more memories. What a wonderful treasure you are to me. I will do my very best in the coming year to hold onto each moment. I will work on my patience. I know you are growing, and life is never easy as you try to figure everything out. I know your little brother can drive you crazy, but thank you for caring about his safety and well being at all times. Know that you mean the world to him, and as you grow he will stick up for you in a heartbeat in any situation. I have also loved watching you with Isaac. Having you with me the night I brought him into this world was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. You were a strong little girl, and you have watched over your little brother with such love and grace. I know this has created a special bond between the two of you that will last a lifetime. Thank you for always being you.
You have pushed me out of my comfort zone on numerous occasions, and I appreciate that more than you will ever know.
Happy Birthday my sweet, precious Kaylie bear! I love you more than you will ever know.

Spent

I wish I had something inspiring to say. Alas I do not. I never realized how difficult it is to be sick with three kids. Coordinating naps has not worked out. In a moment when I think I can catch a quick nap and recharge, a cry comes from the crib, WWIII breaks out over some coveted toy, or I remember something I needed to do. Here I am though writing instead of sleeping. I think I have some pent up emotion from they day I needed to let it out. It's sort of like having an adult conversation, albeit one-sided, but I'll take what I can get these days.
This cold is beating me down. I wish I could say I've been a patient, soft spoken mom. Oh how I wish. The tired side of me is enough to make even me cringe. Sometimes it is work to cherish the moments that you know will pass quickly. It can be hard enough taking care of yourself with young ones even on your best days. Throw in feeling icky and I start feeling like a washed up, faded version of my former self.

I love my kids. I am ever so grateful to be a mom. I realize that days like this are but a small speck in the spectrum of our lives. Right now I'm just tired. I need some good sleep, and if the weather could drop down below 100, well that would be welcome too.

The Great Homeschooling Adventure

What on earth am I doing? Who am I? What have I become? Should we wear our hair in long braids and don ankle length skirts? Has the dog been fed? These are just a sample of the questions that rattle around in my brain as I undertake the great task of homeschooling my first child. Sorry, the question about the dog is just the way my scatterbrained mind works these days. And seriously please let no offense be taken on the long skirt note. I happen to love Little House on the Prairie, and if that's your style more power to you, it's just not mine.
Anyway back to all of those burning questions. The idea of homeschooling seemed fine and dandy until I woke up one morning and realized it was staring me smack dab in the middle of the face. Oh yeah did i mentioned it happened right around the time my third child just made his entrance into the world, and my middle son is at a less than cooperative stage right now.
It really is such a daunting responsibility. This is my child's education, and I can't take it lightly. She can't just be my personal experiement. This is where personal ideology and reality meet, or the proverbial "rubber meets the road." It seems it's time to buck up, put my big girl panties on and make it happen.

Ok with all of that hysteria out of the way let me say I really am excited to be embarking on this great adventure. I started working with Kaylie this past year on math and phonics, but we will start a more structured schedule in a couple of weeks. I use structured loosely because the whole point of homeschooling was to allow freedom to learn. My free styling thought process has been tamed somewhat by three children that have completely different personalities and learning styles, but if there is one thing I believe still, it is that learning should be fun. I never set out to home school simply to shelter my kids from the outside world. In fact it is quite the opposite. I want my kids out there experiencing things first hand. I just feel in these delicate years I want to be the one fielding there questions and guiding them along the experience.
I also realized that I couldn't do this alone. It is something I am learning day by day. I need help! I want my kids to have a wide variety of social experience even if it is not in the traditional school setting. My first step was to enroll Kaylie in a ballet and tap class. I want her to have an outlet for her energy and creativity. I want to give her the chance to bond with some other girls her own age. This seemed like the perfect combination. Even with this I felt we needed some more support. I searched high and low for a good support group. There was only one close to me that had any information readily accessible. They invited me to attend their first meeting of the year/open house. I was quite nervous. I really didn't know what to expect. My greatest fear was walking into a group of awkward, coolot wearing, straight laced people. I know I am ebarrassed to even write this now. I know I sound so close minded, but it was a genuine fear. I was more afraid they would reject me because I did not fit the right home school mold.
I was pleasantly surprised to find a diverse group of people who seem to each have their own styles and approaches to education. They come together to share ideas and be a support to one another. I loved this. We haven't officially joined, but I plan on attending the next meeting, and I think we will be joining soon.

I hope to make time to chronicle my homeschooling adventure. It is scary, but I think anything worth something in life gives you those butterflies in the beginning. Now I am just waiting for this weather to cool down so we can take school outside. Won't that be great!

Any readers out there home school, thought about homeschooling, want to home school, tried it and hated it? I would love to hear your thoughts, questions, concerns.

***Side note: I really did not mean to offend anyone with my narrow minded view of "typical" home schooling families. Every family has a different way of raising children and I respect that.

I Will Hold On

Another day, another hot one.
This feeling, being lost in obscurity.
The bank account tells another story,
Than the one You've told my heart.
Sometimes it's hard to hold onto faith
In a world that desires not to affirm Your truth.
I will hold on. I will hold on.
I will trust You.

Falling on the Rock

I sat with my dad at the hospital tonight as we ride this long bumpy road to recovery. My heart aches as I listen to nurses rattle off long lists of pills he needs to take, only because I wish I had just one that would make it all go away. My dad is strong, not because he will just grin and bear it, no he is so much stronger than this. I witnessed the most beautiful expression of love tonight. In a particularly tense moment of pain we laid hands on dad. Through the tears he whispered truth reaffirming his trust in the Lord. Declaring the goodness and sovereignty of our Father. He fell completely on the Rock. Yes this man is my father and I am proud to be his daughter.

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold

So We Continue

It is amazing how life can change so drastically in split seconds. I am still adjusting to a new outlook on life. Since dad's diagnosis I have stepped back and took stock of many things in life. Many things change, but one thing has remained constant. This is my ever present need to trust only in God and rely solely on the life giving power of Jesus Christ.
We have so much to be thankful for. Dad finished the first round of chemo last Tuesday. He has done so well. Even many of the nurses thought he looked just a little too well to be in the oncology ward. The downside to this was dad was feeling a bit stir crazy. He's never been one to sit around. Just a month ago he was cutting down a giant tree in their backyard. Probably not the best idea in hindsight knowing what we know now, but never the less you can see he's always working hard. After a week in the hospital he was ready to be home. The doctor was obviously very cautious about sending him home too early. The risk of infection was still too great. Thursday his blood counts were looking a lot better. On Friday the doctor gave him the green light to head home after one more platelet transfusion. We are all elated. He is still healing and working through some of the side effects of the chemo, but he is a trooper. He will go for an appointment on Monday to check his blood levels again. He should start the second phase of treatment in August. Please continue to pray for his complete healing. I also ask for prayer for renewed strength and energy. Please pray for continued encouragement from the Holy Spirit and friends as the enemy loves to come in when we aren't feeling at our best and speak lies and bring discouragement.
In other great news my parents will celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary on Monday. What a testament of God's love and faithfulness! That is one thing I love about these two. They stick it out through thick and thin. My mom stayed at that hospital every night with my dad. I heard many people comment that maybe she should just go home for a night, but she was not going to leave his side. I know he would do the same for her. I am proud to call them my parents and proud of the representation they are on this earth of the love Jesus has for His people.
I would also like to ask all those who pray to continue to remember our family in prayer. There has been a lot of craziness in life and experiencing all of these things with three young children in tow is not the easiest. Chris has been an awesome husband and taken on a second job so I can be home with the kids. While I am forever grateful for his hard work, it is still difficult as I was spoiled to having his great help in the evenings. The kids also miss having him home more. We are working through this season with joy and perseverance, but sometimes the joy takes a little extra effort!
I appreciate every prayer and kind word that has been spoken to me and my family during this season. It has been an experience that has impacted me and made my love grow deeper for the family of God.