and it's Wednesday

Do you ever feel like your failing miserable at this mom thing? I know I can google and find many mommy bloggers who all feel overwhelmed, tired, at their wits end. Of course as much as we try to relate there is something deeply personal about this experience. It is a walk that even  though billions of mothers will walk you must walk yourself. It will be slightly different. You will have to deal with all your faults and failures. All of the things you so carefully try to conceal from the world will meet you face to face as you  fumble through. I find it especially troubling for me today. I have known from the beginning that mothering did not come naturally to me. The hardest part is knowing I love my children more than anything, and yet feeling like I am completely inadequate at meeting their needs.
I start off Monday with the best intentions. I have a plan, I've prayed, I know God is with me. By Wednesday I am ball of tears huddled under my blankets trying to fight off depression with a dwindling little stick. Why during the most important endeavor of my life, raising the little ones who will be the future, why am I such a wreck? As I see all the flesh in me that is selfish, impatient, quick to anger, come bubbling to the surface, I am disgusted.

Watch Out World, This Little Man is About to Be Two!

Almost exactly two years ago to the hour I began to labor my dearest Isaac into this world. He barely missed being an April Fools baby by a mere hour and 40 minutes. Since the moment he was pulled from the water and laid in my arms he has been stealing my heart every day. I have grown as a mother in so many new ways. His strong willed spirit challenges me to dig deeper in God, and his boundless love and sense of humor remind me of the joys in simplicity. There was a time I couldn't imagine how anyone could juggle three kids. Now I cannot imagine how I could live without this precious force of life that makes our home so complete.
He has developed quite the singing voice. I personally have never met a child that picks up a song the first time he hears it. Every time he visits grandma's house he manages to find her ipod and request some crazy 70's song. Then we all get a kick out of watching him sing and dance his little heart out.
I cannot be grateful enough for God's perfect will that granted me the privilege of raising this awesome little guy. Happy Birthday Isaac Timothy Medrano. My love for you runs deeper than the oceans.

Lessons on Parenting from My Own Rebellious Heart

It's official, those terrible twos are kicking in with my sweet, little Isaac. He has been unfortunate/fortunate, to gain a very strong stubborn streak that runs in my family. I have been party to some very intense screaming fits as of late. Patience with children does not come naturally to me. These little tantrums become even more difficult to deal with as I try to teach Kaylie and keep Micah busy.
This has led to a lot of frustration and tears as I try to work through this challenging stage in life.
I have been praying daily for God to show me the best way to  handle these outbursts. On one hand I don't want to completely ignore them. I feel he needs to understand what he is doing is not right, but I also know this is him trying to assert his independence and I don't want to be too heavy handed.

Today he started up over a little tiff between he and  his brother. He turned red and began screaming and kicking. Without really thinking I scooped him on my lap and told the other kids to continue playing. I sat holding him as he squirmed, screamed, and kicked. I began to whisper to him gently telling him to calm down and that I loved him. I would not let him go until he was in control.
A quiet whisper came to me as I sat there, and a situation that would normally frustrate me out of my mind became so peaceful.
God reminded me so gently of how often I have wanted my own way. It was not always kicking and screaming on the outside, but my heart would reel in rebellion. I wanted my way and no one was going to tell me otherwise. Even in those times He never let me go. He held me close, just as I did with Isaac, speaking His love and truth to my spirit. No matter how long it takes God will not let go.
After awhile Isaac's protests began to abate. Between his sobs I asked him if he could calm his spirit. Twice he emphatically said no. I told him I know how hard it is. Mommy has been there too. Finally he nestled close to me and gave a sigh. It was a sweet victory for both of us.

Sometimes I wake up and think I have no idea what I am doing as a parent. I try to read up and come up with my own ideas and plans. Usually I end up more overwhelmed than when I started. As I still my own hear I realize the best parenting skills I have found come from the example my Father God has laid out to me.

Selling a House and Other Fun Stuff

We took the plunge. After close to 7 years of living in our home we finally made the final decision to sell our townhome. We have mulled over this for years as our family has grown, but the time was never right.  The year 2012 was a year of personal transition for us, and by the end of the year we knew it was time. On January 27th we put it up for sale by owner. I've heard home selling can be quite the roller coaster, and our short experience has not disappointed. I do not do well with change. I know many people spend their lives moving. I spent the majority of my years growing up in the same house. The most I moved was after getting married, and each move was still difficult for me. As much as I long for a new house, this is still home. It is the only home my children have known. It is where I have rocked each of my babies to sleep. It is where we have celebrated birthdays and holidays. It is where  I have loved and cried myself to sleep. It is home.
I know that with time I will learn to love a new house. I do long for a yard my children can run around in and a fireplace for that rare cold night in Texas. For now I am learning to let go, and be grateful for all God has done in this house, and all He will continue to do at the next home. Where we go, He goes, and that is a blessed promise indeed.

Can I Borrow Some Change and See How it Works Out?

I want change and I hate change. It is the conundrum of my life. I stand at the foot of the mountain and the sheer enormity overwhelms me. Have I always been this way? Is it something that has come with age?
I sit here confused tonight. It's nights like this I miss being a child.

Little Glimpses

Day to day life has it's own way of clouding our vision. The vision that looks upward to a home that will one day be forever. Ever once in awhile the heavens open and we are given another glimpse of what is really there all the time.

Late Friday night I received the call I had been expecting for days. My grandpa Walt had died after a long, full life on this earth, 88 years to be exact. I have become more accustomed to this after experiencing the more recent deaths of my grandparents on my mother's side, but this was somewhat momentous for it was the loss of my last grandparent. It is a solemn reminder that time marches on, and we will each face this day at one point or another. I feel sad knowing that I will not be seeing him again on this earth, but it opens my eyes once again to the joy that awaits on the other side.

Goodbye grandpa, thank you for the gift of life and family. Until we meet again.

Walter Taubeneck
February 10, 1924- November 2, 2012

BeThou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Words: Dallan Forgail

Almost ten years ago the words to this hymn were sung at our wedding. The joining of two broken people redeemed by God, brought together and joined as one.  I have loved this hymn for a long time, but I do not think I truly grasped the significance it would play as we began the journey of marriage that day.

At the beginning of this year I was not sure my marriage would last to see the completion of ten years. It was a sad, broken state of affairs. My heart was in tatters and my will to go on was fading. I was heartbroken, but resigned to the fact that I was quickly heading to the predictable statistics so many first marriages face today. Something deep in my heart would not let go. Chris and I both looked at where we were, and reevaluated what our marriage was built upon. If we truly believed we were just two people brought together by chance then divorce was an easy answer. Life is just a chance. If we believed the vows we took and the statements we made on our wedding day, then divorce was not an option. 

We are broken people who will love imperfectly, but we are two brought together, joined by God, one flesh. It was then we realized how desperately we needed the love of God to wash over us again, and perfect the love we so feebly try to give. I remember these words, Be Thou My Vision. Our marriage is nothing without God as the the reason we move forward. Feelings can turn on a dime, but love requires a sacrifice on the altar, a sacrifice that begins to burn away selfish motives and desires. It is quite painful, believe me I speak from experience. In the end it is worth every moment. Marriage is not a design of men, it is the design of a Creator who desperately wants to show you a living example of His love through this covenant on earth.

On November 1, 2012 Chris and I will celebrate ten glorious, transforming years of marriage. My love for him has grown deeper and stronger than the day we said our vows. We were young, and inexperienced. We were fortunate enough to have a grain of sense that the only thing that would keep us together was keeping our vision, God. Through every trial and tribulation, even at our lowest point a still, small voice has guided us. I am forever grateful for this man God has placed in my life. He loves me, sharpens me, makes me laugh, forgives me, provides for me, tells me I'm beautiful, gives me beautiful children, never lets go, and most importantly loves Jesus and has stepped up to lead our family in such a wonderful way. I could say he was everything I dreamed of, but that would be selling him short. God knew exactly who I needed. I cannot wait to spend the next 20, 30,40,50,60, maybe even 70 years with this man.

Marriage is worth fighting for. I can say this from experience. I have known the depths of hurt, and the mistrust that will try to creep in. No, fighting for marriage is not easy, it's never convenient, and it requires full commitment from both partners. It will require you to soften your heart and chip away at walls that have slowly been erected. It sometimes will ask you to give up the right to be right, but let me tell you it is so worth it on the other side. If you are feeling hopeless about your marriage today, don't give up. True love, love from God will run when everything else has dried up. It will hope all things and believe all things. It will never fail.