It's Me Again

2011 was a rough year. I am thankful for the pockets of blessing and relief throughout, for without them I surely would have completely broken down. I have had a lot of things to say, but for the sake of healing I have chosen to stay quiet a little longer. The end of 2011 brought one last punch that I thought I would not recover from. While I contine on the path of healing and recovery I will post intermittently. I do not try to be vague to frustrate people. I believe openness and honesty are key, but not at the expense of moving past periods of extreme fragility and vulnerability.

I would like to share one insight I have gained. It is that we as humans suffer extreme short term memory loss. I have seen God come through in many ways, but I always seem to doubt He is capable of doing it again. This may come off as a little silly after what I just said, but He is capable. I may doubt it again tomorrow. There is one who is out to lie and destroy me. He will stop at nothing as he sows his seeds of doubt. This I know that deep inside there is confidence. It is the peace that will set me right on course again when I start in disbelief. God is capable, in fact He's more than capable.

That Warm Feeling

A week or so ago it really hit me. My dad could have been dead just a few short months ago. The mind processes things in such a weird way. It's not that the reality was not there for me, but it was if I was somehow insulated. My body went into auto-pilot. I often hear cancer described as a battle, and this is exactly what I feel we have experienced. Immediately after hearing the news we put our game faces on and prepared for war. There were moments I cried, but I think the reality of death really never set in. As we prepare for the upcoming holiday season it really sunk in how different this time could have been if even one thing had been done differently. I guess what I really want to say is how grateful I am that once again my dad will be sitting at the head of the table as we eat our Thanksgiving meal. I get teary eyed thinking about our family getting cozy by the fire to watch a favorite Christmas movie. My heart floods with joy to think that my dad and I can once again enjoy our traditional Christmas Eve midnight service. My children will gather around papa another year decorating the tree and marveling at the lights. A lot of people say it, and I think it sometimes loses meaning, but I don't need anything for Christmas, but the wonderful intangibles I have been so richly blessed with. Our traditions bring me more joy than any store bought gift could ever bring.
I know we will all die one day. This body is finite, but I believe that the experiences we are given on this earth are God ordained, and through the trials and tears He delights in our joy just as much as we delight in Him. I am grateful for one more year with the people I love. I am grateful that my daddy is with us today.

All for His Glory

I am the proud mommy of a 7 month old. Wait! What??!!! This could not be possible. I just gave birth to him around yesterday, right? I would also like to note I am also the proud mommy of a 6 year old and 3 year old. I am still trying to figure out when they grew up. I seriously just bought pants, how could they have shrunk 3 inches. They just don't make pants like they used to. Am I right?
Seriously, this year is flying by. It is has been fraught with trials and tribulations, but also permeated with sweet, sweet love. My little Isaac is such a joy. He is so different from his siblings, and yet he fits right in with them. He has been fairly mobile since about 4 1/2 months. He really hit a good crawl around 5 months so I have been very busy since then. I was not prepared for such early mobility. He started pulling up around 6 months so we'll see if walking is in the not too distant future. He has really developed a sense of humor. He knows when he is getting into something he shouldn't. Chris or I will just look at him and he will burst into giggles. I could not imagine life without this little guy. Our family life is that much richer with him around.
My precious Kaylie is thriving in her homeschooling and dance this year. I think I am learning more. It is definitely a lesson in patience, but I love learning with her. She is so intelligent. Home school is not without its challenges, but it has been a delight to watch her learn and discover. She asks questions all the time, and offers many great insights. I love her so dearly.
She is also becoming quite the little ballerina and tapper. She has her first performance this weekend at a holiday market. She is very excited and very nervous. I cannot wait to see her perform. My baby is growing up!
My sweet Micah has become quite the wordsmith. We always thought he would be the quiet one, but this past year has seen an explosion in his language skills. A not so welcome side effect is an increase in his argumentative skills. Ah 3 year olds. He really is a sweetheart. He is extremely loveable and also quite the comedienne He's even made his first best friend in life, which means we spend a lot of time outside playing with his buddy.

I continue growing and adjusting in my role as part time stay at home mom. I'd like to say I've got it all together and I never have meltdowns. Hmmm I think I'm learning that it's just one day at a time. I'm also learning I need Jesus for EVERYTHING. I thought I knew that, but I learn it a little more everyday.

After a brief stint with a second job at Starbucks, Chris and I both felt we needed him to be home more. It was a huge leap of faith, and I was concerned about making ends meet, but I was so tired I had no will to fight it anymore. His last day was last week, and he and I set off for a much needed getaway. While finances had been tight, I had set aside some planned commissions from work so we could take our first trip without kids since we had Kaylie. It was only two days, but it was just what we needed to recharge our batteries and reconnect. Right before we left Chris received a call to set up an interview with a potential employer. We've been praying a lot about this lately, but I have had so many disappointments I didn't want to get my hopes up. Yesterday Chris interviewed and was offered the job. Not only is the pay better, but it is so close to home that we will save a significant amount just from the extra gas and tolls we will not be paying. I kept remembering the verse in Psalms 8 that say What is man that You are mindful of him? I am truly humbled. I have had several one sided shouting matches with God in my frustrations. Of course when I step back into my right mind I am reminded of His sovereignty. Who I am next to Him is really nothing, yet He chooses to bless me. He chooses to care. It may not happen when or how I want it. In the end it's not about me. All things for His glory. I am grateful.

Writer's Block

When I was younger I used to write a lot. It was mostly private journals and poetry fueled by a lot of teen angst. Granted some of it may seem silly now, but it was an outlet. I cherished my writing more than anything in the world. I still have every journal and tablet I set my pen to. I'm not sure any of my thoughts were Pulitzer prize winners. In fact most of it was pretty raw, but it was me. Life has happened. I don't blame or regret any of the twists or turn that have come. I love my husband and my children more than anything, but sometimes I feel like that part of me is dead. Okay maybe dead is a strong term. From time to time I still feel the embers burning in the deepest parts of me, but life require me to be completely present and I often find my old passion seems a waste or an excess my mind has no time to fuel any longer. I have tried to force myself to just write, feverishly putting pen to paper in hopes maybe one spark of inspiration, one small transference of my innermost dreams will make its way out. Instead I find a jumbled mess of words that are more akin to this lament than anything even remotely inspired.

I have enjoyed blogging, but yet I still feel something lacking. In the advance of the digital age it is all too common for any person anywhere to throw out one's thought and words, sometimes with very little thought. Not that I am looking for one, but I feel blogging has become very "niche" oriented. Unfortunately I do not find myself to excel at any one thing that I feel I am even qualified to sound authoritative on. I am a mom, yes. I can cook, yes. I am not necessarily a health guru. I'm not up on all the latest thrifting mom fashions. I can't tell you how to coupon to the extreme and spend $5 on your groceries. I've decided that while photography is awesome, my funds are limited to buy all the fancy equipment so I can simply post my awesome pictures. (By the way a lot of you do have awesome pictures.)
This just leaves me as a plain old blogger. Plain text is SO 20th century.

I miss those old writing days. I miss the way I felt after spilling my heart onto a piece of paper!
What is wrong with me? I have not found how to effectively carry out the practical side of life without stifling the words that are trying to bubble up from within me.
Is this what they call writer's block?

Another Night

It's just another weeknight, me sitting on the couch alone, waiting for Chris to get off of work. It kind of seems silly to me sometimes. I could just go to bed, and catch some extra sleep, God knows I could always use it. It's just that even though the time is brief, it seems those extra few moments we can see each other keep me going the rest of the time.
This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life. I have a great respect for women who have given the ultimate sacrifice as their men go off to serve their country. I always felt I wasn't nearly strong enough to do that. While my sacrifice is not nearly that, I truly feel great emptiness while Chris is out working two jobs. I was remembering back to those carefree days when it was just us. We could do what we wanted when we wanted. Our responsibilities were not as great. We had limitless time to talk, share our dreams, laugh, and have fun. Now my days are filled with diaper changes, discipline, Veggie Tales, endless explanations of why we don't do this or why we should do this. The last date we were able to steal away was a quick lunch at a Five Guys burger joint. We quickly try to rehash our days in the 20 minutes we have for dinner and the brief moments before our heads hit the pillow for the night. I do not regret my life. There is no other man on earth I would want to do this life with. I love my children, oh how I love them. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are my inheritance and I do and will continue to reap great rewards just from their lives on this earth.
I guess tonight I am just feeling a little lonely, and praying hard this season is short because I would like to have him home more again.

Birth, What Have You Done to Me?

I've kind of become obsessed with everything birth related lately. Is this common for others who experience the joy of midwife care and conclude with a natural birth experience? In this crazy sort of way I want to go back and revisit my own birth experience. It seems like crazy talk, believe me I know. I guess that oxytocin really does a number on the brain. It's just that it all happened so quickly. My life was forever changed, and now I live vicariously reading other people's birth stories. I read up on everything birth related. All of the latest articles on hospital birth statistic, home birth statistics, you name it, if its birth related I want to know.
In reality I know I am nowhere near ready to attempt another pregnancy. The Lord knows I could use a few full nights of rest. I really felt Isaac would be the completion of our little family, yet sometimes I feel a twinge of sadness that this is it. It took me 5 years to build up the courage to do things differently, and its hard to accept not experiencing it all again.

I am really not here to blog about whether or not to have another baby. I believe that will work itself out in due time. I guess what I'm really wondering is if this new found love of all things birth will subside? Is it a new passion, a calling? Perhaps it's just something that comes with the empowerment of delivering in my time, my way. I just know I have such a burning desire to see all women realize the power God has placed within them. I want women to see that birthing children is not simply a burden that must be masked or rushed through just to get the end result. It is an awesome journey, that is bigger than you, and yet you were given every capability to see it through. I want women to learn to trust their instincts, and stop letting doctors make decisions that are of more benefit to themselves that the patient.

I'm not looking for a career right now. I definitely have a full plate at the moment. I would love to hear from other mamas who have taken this journey. Did you find yourself enthralled with birth after your own delivery? Did you sometimes feel sad that it was over? I might be the only crazy one there. I don't know what the future holds. I may never hold a professional career as a midwife, doula, or birth educator, but I do know that the story is forever on my heart. I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Six

Six years. I have been so busy with Isaac and just trying to keep my wits about me with three, I woke up and realized my little girl is turning six on Sunday. As I was up tonight cleaning and preparing for her party all of my emotions and sentiments welled up inside. In the still quiet house my own thoughts became a lot louder and clearer than they are most days.
She's growing up. Yes I know it's only 6. For some reason this is harder than 5 for me. Perhaps it is because this is the year she would have started school if we had chosen not to homeschool. Perhaps it is the fact the Chris and I were reminiscing a few days ago about the last 10 years we have spent since we met. In many ways it seems like a lifetime ago, we have grown and changed so much, yet I can't even believe 10 years could have passed. I asked him if he realized that in 10 more years we would have a 16 year old? At times that seems so distant, but in reality I don't want to think about it because I know how fast time will fly. I always tell Kaylie how it was like only yesterday that I held her in my arms, a fresh, newborn babe. She always laughs and says I am silly. "It seems like a long time growing up for me," she always tells me. I know there is no sense arguing. She is right. It was one of those things we never really experience until we are there.

I sat down to write this and I don't really feel like it went the direction I wanted. What I meant to say is that I love my Kaylie Joyce so very much. A new love I had never known was birthed in me the day I birthed her. I was so proud to call her mine. As she was my first, she has graciously allowed me to grow with her, as I make the common first time parenting mistakes. I have continuously been in awe of her intelligence, beauty, and inner strength. She has a strong mind, and while this can be a challenge, I would not have it any other way. I see Christ molding her and working in her heart. I feel excitement to watch her walk the path He has laid out for her, and sometimes I feel sadness. If there is one thing I am learning it is that my children are gifts on loan to me. One day I will have to let her go fulfill the plans God has for her life. Knowing this only makes our time that much more sacred.

Kaylie I have loved every moment being your mom. I look forward to many more birthdays, many more experiences, and many more memories. What a wonderful treasure you are to me. I will do my very best in the coming year to hold onto each moment. I will work on my patience. I know you are growing, and life is never easy as you try to figure everything out. I know your little brother can drive you crazy, but thank you for caring about his safety and well being at all times. Know that you mean the world to him, and as you grow he will stick up for you in a heartbeat in any situation. I have also loved watching you with Isaac. Having you with me the night I brought him into this world was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. You were a strong little girl, and you have watched over your little brother with such love and grace. I know this has created a special bond between the two of you that will last a lifetime. Thank you for always being you.
You have pushed me out of my comfort zone on numerous occasions, and I appreciate that more than you will ever know.
Happy Birthday my sweet, precious Kaylie bear! I love you more than you will ever know.