Looking back. Moving Forward

Today we will write the last lines of the last chapter for the 2013-2014 homeschool year.
You would think that with three years under my belt I would be more sure of myself. I end the year with gratefulness and much fear and trembling. The weight of the responsibility God has put upon me to educate my children is sometimes quite heavy. Of course I swiftly realize this heaviness is my own doing, and I quickly repent and let Jesus carry the load.
I will say we have come to a place that I cannot imagine doing anything else. I have seen God knit our family together in an even closer way. We are daily forced to look in the mirror and realize that to work together we must give up pride and selfishness.

We chose homeschooling because we first and foremost felt the great responsibility to provide our children's educational foundation. I also personally had a distaste for the test mills our schools have become. I desired my children to truly learn and to love it, not to  merely cram for a test they would soon forget. I wanted to celebrate their individual personalities and strengths.
Fast forward three years in and I often find myself preoccupied with what my children know. Worrying that they might not measure up to other kids. I was slowly becoming an apologist for our homeschooling ways to strangers who question our decisions in public.
Then it hit me. Am I doing this all so my kids will be indistinguishable in a crowd? Are our core values to work so hard in orde please men?

I fell into the trap. I lost vision of this whole thing called education. Of course I set standards for my children. I want to see them flourish and excel, but not so they can prove to some stranger they're not one of those "weird," homeschooled kids. I desire that they have intelligence tempered with character, love for people that softens selfish ambition, and wisdom that permeates every decision they will face as they grow and leave this home. Most importantly I pray that they are pleasing to God. I cannot force these things. I cannot build robots after my own will. What I will strive to do is be the greenhouse for their little souls by allowing the sunshine in. This is not hiding them from the world, but providing a safe place to grow and be nurtured until my little one's are ready to put roots down in that big, wide world.

Today we celebrate all that has been accomplished. I am so proud of my children. They put up with me and that says a lot! They have worked hard. We have laughed and cried. We've worked through a lot of junk. We haven't arrived, but we are on our way. Now we enter the reward in this season of rest, and prepare our hearts for the new year to come.

Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better 
Colossians 1:10

Culmination of Anticipation

Am I the only one with a twinge of sadness on Christmas Eve? I'm excited, but it all ends so quickly. Really the anticipation started for me near the end of September and early October. Not that I really start a countdown to Christmas. It's more that autumn ushers in a time of many traditions and purposeful family togetherness that all culminate in the celebration of Christmas.

As we slide into the new year, things will calm down. Life will pick up it's usual steady pace. People will buckle down at work and school for the winter months knowing that the next real break is quite a ways down the road.

I am okay with this. It is the rhythm of life and our greatest revelry would be nothing without these cycles.
Still as I sit back and watch my little one's eyes sparkle with excitement and anticipation I can't help but think it all goes by so fast.

A Time to Reflect

The season of advent is upon us. I cannot quench the childlike expectancy that begins to rise in my heart as we enter the season of joy, family, and togetherness, I don't pretend to believe Jesus was born in December. I understand so many rituals have pagan origins. Yet I am grateful, because He was born we have redemption. The invasion of our Saviour to our humble world is worth celebrating whether that time was chosen to be February, June, or August.

What I love about this season is how the ordinary becomes extraordinary. Plain houses suddenly become dazzling light displays, a family meal suddenly becomes a special occasion, the fire dances a little higher, and our hearts feel just a little fuller.
What a beautiful picture displayed of that amazing event.  When Jesus made his grand entrance it was into a plain, broken, and ugly world. The setting wasn't dazzling. The conditions far from perfect, but this was from the natural perspective. For some brief moments shepherds, mere mortals, got a glimpse of what was happening in the spiritual realm  It was something glorious. A force that was transforming what was broken and ordinary into something that would be extraordinary.

It is this that gives me cause to reflect and cause to celebrate. I could rant and rave about the commercialization of Christmas, but there is only credence in this if we let our hearts be led towards this.
I for one will celebrate with lights, gifts, food, and family, but it all means nothing without the Light. It all means nothing no matter what the season if we don't have the Light.

A Home For the Medranos

After many painstaking months walking through the process of praying, selling, praying, packing, moving, praying, house hunting, and of course some more prayer sprinkled in for good measure, we found our house!!!! The initial contract was signed almost two weeks ago, and we began the inspection process this past week. We were excited, but a little hesitant to get too excited. The first inspection yielded some concerns with the roof and foundation.Since the inspector is more of a generalist, he suggested we have some experts come in to give a second opinion. It was a difficult process for me. There is an old Caedmon's Call song with these lines:

My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave 
 My faith is like shifting sand 
So I stand on grace, stand on grace

Yeah that pretty much sums up me. How many times have I seen my God come through? Hmmm I think I could write a few books. Somehow each new wave of circumstance erases my memory. The bottom line God reminded me time and time again is that my home is not a house built of brick and mortar. Whether this particular house came through or not it did not change His love for me or His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

So here we are two weeks later and every issue we had with the home has been signed off on and given the thumbs up. Our little laundry list of small repairs is being completely taken care of by the sellers. As of midnight our option period will end and we will be only 3 weeks out from moving our family into our new home. God has been faithful even when things don't seems to  go our way. He has been gracious to meet the desires of our heart, and even more gracious to mold our desires to make them more like His desires.

Our dream for our new house is to make it a place of God's peace and love for friends, family, and people we have yet to meet. We want to fill it will people, love, fellowship, and the sounds of laughter as we break bread together. To all who have prayed and listened as we walked through this process, thank you, We have been so blessed along the journey. We can't wait to continue the journey with so many of you!

Why Labor?

Two years ago when I gave birth to my son Isaac, I had no idea of the lasting impact that choosing a drug free birth would have on my life. The lessons I learned from labor recently hit me like a ton of bricks as we started our move over a week ago. I'm a generally not fond of big changes. It's not that I like to stay stagnant, but I tend to enjoy putting down some roots and letting changes happen slowly. After 7 years in our first home that welcomed my two boys and saw us through many life altering changes, I started finding it hard to let go of this constant in my life. I knew this change was only for the best. I was generally excited about what was to come, but the fear of leaving behind the familiar and the walk through the valley of change and discomfort was starting to paralyze me. I instinctively began to do what comes naturally to all humans when discomfort comes into play, I began to fight. Hmmmm this seems vaguely familiar to that labor experience two years ago. As I prayed, God really began to pour His peace into my heart gently reminding me of why labor is important, and I'm not just talking about labor to give birth to a child. I am talking about the labor it takes to give birth to any worthwhile endeavor. Labor forces us to let go. It forces us to dig deep and find out what we truly rely on. Is it ourselves? Is it stuff? Is it money? When your are in the throes of labor most of that stuff really starts to pale in comparison to the magnitude of forces working within you. One thing I treasure most about my labor with Isaac was the sweetness and nearness of God that I felt. I believed in the work He was doing within my body. It caused me to let go of the past so my heart was opened wide for the future.


After this comfort from God the week proceeded to be one of those most challenging as we grappled with some difficult decisions. As I reflect back on this week I am grateful that every moment in our lives is orchestrated by God. The fact that He can take completely unrelated experiences in our lives and reveal His truth to us at other points along the journey is amazing to me. When I labored with Isaac I was focused on the task at hand. I had no idea God would work this thread into the tapestry of my story down the road.
I just want to encourage those of you who are laboring. It is often easy to become bogged down and lose site of the promises that lie ahead. There is purpose in labor. It is an exercise of faith, and this is true regardless of what you believe.
I hope in this week you find peace and joy unspeakable!

Are You Done Yet?

When I was pregnant with my 3rd child everyone felt the need to ask the loaded question, "so are you done yet?" Seriously, at a critical, emotional juncture in my life you feel the need to jump into my personal life and demand an answer about something that is frankly none of your business.
Ok, ok, I know that is a little harsh, and for most people this is an innocent question used to spur on casual social interaction. Still for some people it is filled with a twinge of judgment, as if they feel the need to make me think about the dire consequences my procreation will cause.

*Just a little side note for anyone who may be concerned: we currently home school with money out of our own pocket  and personally take care of our children's basic needs. I do not say this to pass judgment on those who require government assistance. All children deserve the best start in life. We all need a little help from time to time.

Now I am do not personally subscribe to the quiver full mentality, but I also have changed a lot of my thinking about family.
I am happy where we are as a family. I am not actively pursuing a larger family, but I believe in a sovereign God and I'm just saying I'm not closed off to anything anymore. I used to need ultimate control in my life. The older I get the more I realize how silly that is. Of course I believe in wise planning and decision making, but I also believe that sometimes when all is said and done we just have to let go.

Tomorrow I am letting go of many baby items I have kept for many years. It is perhaps one of the hardest things I will do. There was something comforting in knowing they were just a few steps away in the attic. I realize now that clinging to those items is not what will determine the future, more children or not. For now I believe it is the season to let go. Who knows what the future holds, I am excited, scared, but mostly excited.

and it's Wednesday

Do you ever feel like your failing miserable at this mom thing? I know I can google and find many mommy bloggers who all feel overwhelmed, tired, at their wits end. Of course as much as we try to relate there is something deeply personal about this experience. It is a walk that even  though billions of mothers will walk you must walk yourself. It will be slightly different. You will have to deal with all your faults and failures. All of the things you so carefully try to conceal from the world will meet you face to face as you  fumble through. I find it especially troubling for me today. I have known from the beginning that mothering did not come naturally to me. The hardest part is knowing I love my children more than anything, and yet feeling like I am completely inadequate at meeting their needs.
I start off Monday with the best intentions. I have a plan, I've prayed, I know God is with me. By Wednesday I am ball of tears huddled under my blankets trying to fight off depression with a dwindling little stick. Why during the most important endeavor of my life, raising the little ones who will be the future, why am I such a wreck? As I see all the flesh in me that is selfish, impatient, quick to anger, come bubbling to the surface, I am disgusted.