Precious Promises

Friday afternoon I was hit with the gut wrenching news that Chris had lost his job. Talk about a slap in the face. With our third child on the way I had already been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety over finances, a car that we had already poured way too much money into, and trying to figure out how we could make it work so I would stay home. For the last two months I have wrestled with God over the question we all ask at one time, "Why me?" Many dark nights I struggled with God. Why did He seem so distant? Why did He place desires in my heart that He now seemed so unwilling to fullfill? The news Friday just felt like the icing on the cake, might I add really bad icing on a burnt cake. Although the news was devastating I felt more broken than angry. For the first time in months I lost the will to fight or question, all I could do was sob. All of the fears of losing everything were there, but mostly I just felt so low, so humbled.

Saturday was difficult. I cried a lot. I wanted to sleep and just forget everything. In the shower I began to sing the old Hymn, On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand. Tears streamed down my face, and finally I felt what I had been missing for some time. The sweet presence of God beginning to fill and permeate the brokeness. I had finally surrendered to the work He really wanted to do in me. Sunday things began to feel better. Obviously our problems were not solved overnight, but I felt peace. I was able to smile and laugh more. I looked at my husband and children and felt nothing but gratefulness for their presence and steadfast love. Our circumstances took on a new light as I saw an opportunity for our family to draw closer together. Finally, yes maybe this can be a good thing.

I have come to find through the years that I am a planner. I want everything to go as planned. I would like God to come through for me on my timetable, and yet I want to still have some control in the matter. What I did not realize is how I was short changing myself for God's processes. They are not always fun processes, in fact somtimes they are messy and bring a certain amount of humility that I would rather just skip on. Oh how important these processes are though. I held an ongoing argument with God for two months, and in one day He washed away every pretense I could hide behind. Suddenly I realized how insignifcant my control really is, and how significant surrender is to His precious promises. One of those promises that has continued to stand out in my mind is at the very end of Matthew. After Jesus had given his disciples their last instructions He finished off with this in Matthew 28:20b
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age

I have heard this verse so many times it starts to lose its true value. As I let it sink in it is like a warm blanket to the soul and spirit. Jesus has promised His people He is not leaving. He is not going anywhere. There are no surprises in this life that throw Him off guard. We only fool ourselves if we think we can work the system. Could I lose everything of worldy value? Sure that could happen. I believe though that God is good, and He desires my good. As I believe in that, and lean heavily on Him the good in life just naturally works itself out. Walking with God is a win win situation when I let Him take control.

As of today I have not received a million dollar check in the mail. I have not been given a raise. Chris has not found a job just yet, but I am grateful. Our money is stretching more than I thought it would. I just looked at the bank account this morning to crunch some numbers, and I was shocked to find we should be just fine through this next month. Chris has had one job interview already that went well. We hope to possibly hear something by the end of the week. I have felt even closer to Chris as we work together to keep things going. I know it may sound silly, but I was rejoicing so much on the inside today. I know I have a Father who loves me. He desires all good things for me, but what is more important to Him is the state of my heart.

How I Came to Not Hate Football

There was a time when nothing struck dread into my heart more than waking up on the first Sunday morning of the season to the voices of Terry Bradshaw and crew on the Fox NFL pre-game show. It only meant one thing... it was football season and I was powerless to do anything but sit by and wait until the fever that plagued most of the country finally passed.
I know I am the odd ball out here. I mean football is as American as it gets, right? Of course being from Texas it should almost be a given that I spend my Friday evenings and weekends following this hallowed sporting event.

It wasn't really a problem for me during the first portion of my life. No one in my family is an avid football fan so we were all happy to hit the malls or restaurants while everyone else was glued to the t.v. Sunday afternoon. Yes life was completely, blissfully football free until I met Chris. My sweet, kind, lovable fellow was perfect except for one tiny little issue...Chris LOVED football. Of course being the sweet, kind, lovable girl that I am I made it quite clear that I HATED football, and that while I loved him he should not expect me to participate in any football shenanigans of any kind. Those first few years of marriage I tolerated it. Chris was extremely gracious and would forgo a game many times just to appease me.

I cannot pinpoint exactly when the change occurred. Perhaps it is my great love of fall that will not allow me to be brought down. I have to say I have slowly gone from completely cold to warm to the pig skin. For once I decided to put aside my prejudice and see the joy and comraderie that this sport brings to people. People's countenances change this time of year. There is something rejuvinating about people from all different backgrounds rallying together as the season finally starts to give way to cooler temperatures. Now I haven't completely gone off the deep end here. There are still many things I would rather do than watch football, but now football and I can coexist peacfully. I love the excitement on Chris' face when the season starts. A Sunday may consist of him watching the game while he plays around with the kids in the living room. I will light a pumpkin candle to give the house a nice fall scent. I may make some pumpkin bread, and if we are lucky we can open the windows and let some cool air in. The best part is being together even if it's not my favorite pass time. I am lucky to have a guy who still puts me first, and will not hesitate to help around the house even if a game is on. Hopefully I have become a little more gracious towards him because our marriage is a lot happier when we both delight in making each other happy.

From one non-football fan to all you crazy football lovers out there

Happy Football Season!!!!

Keep'em Coming

After my long heart rending tale of faith building and trust in God, I've realized I should probably just keep my mouth or perhaps blogging mouth shut. Yet here I am again.

Have you ever watched a press conference where the reporters throw out what we like to call "soft balls?" I'm really starting to wish God would cut me a break and throw a couple of soft balls my way. That just wouldn't be His style. No He has a way of cutting right to the chase of the matter. His pitches never miss, and sometimes in the heat of the moment I sure wish they did.

Money is always a hot topic in life, relationships, and pretty much all matters of society. Naturally adding to a family pushes all of those fears about money to the forefront. Please understand that I realize we have been extremely blessed. We aren't exactly where I would love to be financially, but we pay our bills on time and usually have a little extra to spare. With the expectation of a third child Chris and I really feel it is time for me to stay at home. Taking my income away will really put us in a different financial situation. We have been praying and looking hoping a door will open that will allow Chris to make more money, and me to stay home with the kids.

I said all of this to preface that I have already been deeply worrying about these things. I am a planner, and I want to know the exact how, when , and where things will work out.
In the mean time we had been saving to take a family vacation with my parents for there 30th wedding anniversary. This was planned long before we knew we were expecting, and this late in the game it was a little late to back out. Today we finished our final booking. I was excited, but a little leery as I knew once we returned home we would need to hit the ground running and really build up our savings. This evening we got in the car to take the kids swimming and lo and behold the car will not start. What????!!!! We seriously just dropped over $700 just a few months back to replace the alternator and battery. By now I am cursing myself, cursing life. All I want to do is take this car and push it over a cliff. I am fortunate that what sanity I had left reminded me that the financier would probably still require me to make payments car or no car.

So here I am late at night crying, stressing, and feeling guilty. I continue to pray this is something minor. Perhaps tomorrow I will laugh that I was so ruffled over nothing.
For tonight I must remind myself God is in control, and if I'm to be the woman He desires me to be I just have to say, Keep'em coming.

And Then There Were Three

It was with some shock today that I learned I was pregnant with my third child. I am aware many people prefer to wait until a "safe" point to announce, but in my opinion a life is a life. If, God forbid, some tragedy were to befall us this baby would still have deserved every bit of excitement as any other. Today I announce to the world that little Medrano #3 will make their entrance into the world in late March or early April.

Today was certainly a day of mixed emotions. It is so strange, but it was like finding out I was pregnant for the first time. To say I am scared is an understatement. I spent a lot of the day crying. I feel guilty just saying that. I really am happy. I mean I think I always knew deep down inside that I was not finished having children. Still this was unexpected. I worried about money, about being able to leave my full time job, not having a big enough house, trying to balance attention between three children. I know it all probably seems silly in light of this great miracle of life. Of course I obviously have the emotions of a pregnant woman because everything makes me want to cry.

I didn't have any special way of telling Chris. He was busy with a project so by the time I picked him up I was such a mess I just kind of blurted it out. He was so happy and supportive. I'm sure it would have been a really sweet moment if I was not such a basket-case. We told the kids which I anticipated to be a little rocky. Kaylie has been pretty adamant to me about not wanting another brother or sister. I knew Micah would be mostly oblivious to this. He's never been the only child so he's always used to sharing attention. At first Kaylie looked a little upset. When we told her again with all certainty she was having another little brother or sister she started to warm up. I told her she has been such a great big sister and I know she will continue to be. I want her to feel involved, but not obligated. She seemed to perk up and started suggesting names for her potential brother or sister.

I have my first meeting with a midwife on Tuesday. Yes that's right Ms. two time epidural is going to venture into the realm of natural birth. I am quite nervous still about the prospect of giving birth outside of a hospital. I have been reading a lot about it before I even became pregnant. Of course when the chips are down every worst case scenario comes to mind. Still I have this desire to experience the joy and empowerment I have heard from so many woman who have chosen the less conventional route. I am actually hoping to have a water birth.
I am convinced that I have a higher tolerance for pain than the convenience of medical technology would have me think.

When I gave birth to Kaylie I was already dilated to 8cm by the time we reached the hospital. Why those nurses did not talk me out of an epidural I will never know. Actually I'm sure dollar signs had something to do with it. After receiving that epidural my labor slowed down to the point that they actually gave me pitocin to jump start things again. When I look back what I really needed was a gentle figure there to coach me through that last little bit of labor. Of course I just had a nurse who was inconvenienced at the fact that a woman actually showed up at the hospital on a Sunday morning for a ...gasp... a non induced labor.
Kaylie's birth is still so precious in my memories, but I still feel the pain of many decisions made on that day. Decisions I believe were made for the convenience of the medical staff and not my best interest,

Micah's delivery was fairly easy. Unfortunately my doctor convinced me we should induce Micah on the basis of Kaylie weighing in at 8lbs. 11 oz. at birth. When Micah went a bit past his due date it was all systems go. I wish I had been stronger and said no, but my fears from the last labor still lingered. Instead of working to assuage those fears, induction was the easy textbook answer. The pitocin caused me to launch into full on crazy hard contractions. Since I did not have the ability to gradually build up, the pain became excruciating. The anesthesiologist was just down the hall and was happy to oblige this miserable mommy. The actual labor was much shorter than with Kaylie. Much to our surprise Micah weighed in at 8lbs on the dot, even being late. Kaylie on the other hand was almost two weeks early. I really think God has a sense of humor in these things.

I share all of this to say I have not made this decision lightly. I am honestly looking forward to a more personal approach to maternity care. I also look forward to birthing this baby on my own terms, and not what the medical community deems ideal. Believe me I am not a doctor hater. Both of my OBGYN doctors were not bad. They simply do what they know to do in the context of a hospital setting. If for some reason I need to go to a hospital I have no qualms with it. I am just learning there may be a better way when it comes to birthing our children.

As I write I am still in some shock at the timing of these events. I am still adjusting to the changes. I know there is still a long journey ahead, but I am trying to let go. Not everything will always happen on my schedule. I may say it through tears but reliance on God is best perfected in a place that I do not have all the answers.

Shea Butter Extravaganza

For the past six years we have been priveleged to hold part ownership in a company producing pure, unrefined shea butter in an obscure country called Burkina Faso in West Africa.
Our goal was to provide a viable and steady work opportunity for the women of this country.
You can read more about the company at http://www.westafricasheabutter.com/.

We began the business selling in bulk to distributors and independent soap makers.
After many years working in this capactiy we have decided to offer the product on a retail level.

We are currently offering an 8 ounce jar for $20 or two 8 ounce jars for $30 plus shipping and handling.
Arrangements can also be made for pick up.
Unrefined shea butter does not contain the chemicals that you will find in the refined shea butter used in most standard personal care products. Shea Butter is an excellent moisturizer. Many customers report that shea butter has been extremely beneficial for a multitude of skin ailments. I personally found it to be a great tummy moisturizer during pregnancy.
Add your favorite essential oil or use it straight out of the jar.

If interested please send an e-mail to Chris@westafricasheabutter.com

Free Weekend

It is all too tempting to wake up on a Saturday morning, lounge for awhile, and then head out for lunch. We may browse Target, maybe catch a movie, perhaps even indulge in another dinner. Of course it is almost inevitable that we will spend money while we are out. We work hard all week. We deserve it, right?

In a quest to save a little coin we have decided to embark on what I have heard termed as a "free weekend." What is a free weeked you may ask? Starting this everning anything we do must be free or at least already paid for in our current monthly budget. Obviously we are not going to turn off the electricity during this swelterting heat.. The only thing we can spend money on will be groceries for meals, and any gas for the car. We must eat all meals at home and utilize our current resources to have a good time.

I like spending as much as the next person. I mean consuming is the American way, right? In an attempt to delay pleasure in exchange for substantial payoff in the future, I am working to discipline those natural human tendencies. Hopefully in the process the whole family will transform, and we can have fun building our relationships and not just our collection of stuff.

Whether it's free or not have a wonderful weekend!

Giddy Tuesday

I have a couple of reasons to be giddy today. Oh sure it's a Tuesday, and Tuesday is always worse than Monday in my book. Nevertheless I am excited.

Numero Uno: No dishes tonight! We are going out for dinner. I can't even explain how thrilled this makes me. There is nothing more taxing than coming home from work, making dinner, eating dinner, and then cleaning up while your children run around begging you to pay attention to them. While the thought of ditching dishes is always appealing, the thought of coming home the next evening to a dirty kitchen is even less appealing.
As you can see no dishes on Tuesday make me a happy lady!

Numero Dos: Let me preface this next paragraph by putting it out there. I am a nerd. Ok I said it now onto my second reason to be giddy. I love America's Got Talent. I can't explain it. I am not an avid fan of reality TV. I don't watch the likes of American Idol or So You Think You can Dance. During the first season of the show I recall commenting to Chris what a lame summer filler this would be. I am still befuddled as to how I was roped into my first episode. Ever since I have become a religious viewer every summer. There is just something about collapsing on the couch with the family and watching some of the most talented and ridiculous people do their thing. Maybe it is the summer heat that gets to my brain because I believe I am sane the rest of the year round. I laugh and sometimes cry. I become a professional critic along with my daughter Kaylie. I can't help but laugh when Kaylie disapproves of an act. She immedietely throws her arms into the air and crosses them for an "X."

Now that I have that shameful little secret out, I am going to call it a day at the office. I am ready to see my family.