Since When Did Medium Become Extra Small

I made a horrible mistake today. I walked into a clothing establishment that is obviously geared towards the 18 and under crowd. I don't pretend to be old by any stretch of the imagination, but at 25 with two kids there are some spots I have learned are just best to steer clear of. I really was just trying to find a good deal on jeans. Nothing too crazy, just a decent pair of jeans. I definitely have not hit mom jean time and honestly hope I never will. I actually found a pair that looked nice, and then noticed they were having some great deals on t-shirts. I waited patiently to try the clothes on while noticing that I was in the company of girls who couldn't be larger than a size two.
"Take it easy," I tell myself, "you've had two children and work a full time job, don't be too hard on yourself." Finally relief as I can slip into the secluded confines of the dressing room where me and all my insecurities can be alone. I try on the jeans. Not too bad. Always a few area I wouldn't mind seeing smaller, but I can live with these. Then came the first top. I knew as I began to slip my head through that this was just not going to work. Not wanting to be forced into a purchase simply because I tore the material trying to squeeze into it would do nothing to boost this self esteem slump.
I know I still have a good 25 pounds I could lose, but seriously when did medium become extra small? I have several stores I frequent that medium is perfect. I haven't seen a large top since I was several months removed from my last pregnancy. Maybe it is all just a ploy to keep a more seasoned demographic out of the store. Maybe they have the correct medium and I have been politely fooled by all of the other stores so that my ego is not too bruised.

Now my choices are to drown my sorrows in a rush of salt and sugar, or let the anger force me to kick this body into shape.

....Oh well maybe I'll try this again tomorrow.

To Please Man

I do so much in life to please men. Yes, I am ashamed to admit, but it is true. If you stop and think about it even the most individualistic of us seek the approval of man.

I would like to take a pause and classify that I will refer to men or man for humanity as a whole throughout the rest of this blog. I apologize if you are prone to political correctness, but I have found it easier this way.

Many of our endeavors are targeted at pleasing or impressing those around us. Even the most pious of Christians can often fall prey to this. If your circle is comprised primarily of like minded people it has the ability to become somewhat of a competition for whatever that circle holds valuable. In a more secular context it is measured in large and small ways. We all seek the approval of lenders and the almighty credit score. I am not advocating not paying bills, this is purely not Biblical, but what is the motivation behind paying bills? Is it to please others so you can score a bigger loan to accumalate more stuff? Perhaps it is to prove you are in the upper echelons of society with such an immaculate score? We all seek the approval of friends and family. Some would try to diminish this, but I find the louder one argues the deeper the root is in the heart.

I see this manifested daily in a world that has given everyone to broadcast themselves 24/7. Look no farther that facebook or twitter to find people vying for prominence and approval. It is not even alway others that we seek this confirmation from. We are constantly searching our own soul trying to please ourselves, and find the ever elusive state of happiness.

I write this more as a confession than a prosecution of humanity. I believe we are all guilty, but what does that matter. It is a matter of the individual heart. I am guilty. More often I hope to prove to others that I have something. I worry about my appearance. I have often anaylized what to write as a staus on my facebook to ensure that it only presents myself in the best light. I want people to like me maybe even envy my life. What irony when I allow my spirit to be in an aganozing battle with my human tendencies.

It is an embarrassing but awful truth. I have come to the realization that the only freedom to be found is in the truth. I am nothing apart from the saving grace of Christ. He is all that matters. If I have anything it is a blessing from Him.

Never Easy, Always Worth It

There are days when I wonder what it would be like to not have hairballs collecting in the corner of the house.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to eat dinner without a face hovering ever so close just waiting for me to look away or drop a tiny morsel.

There are mornings when I wonder what it would be like to never wake up to the contents of an upset stomach, which most likely came from yet another rummage through the garbage.

And then there are the times I wonder what it would be like to get up from the couch without tripping over a large warm body obstructing my pathway.

I then wonder to myself is it worth it? Is all the inconvenince worth the time and energy.

Then I look at this face.

The same one that lovingly wakes each of us up in the morning. The one that has never bitten a child even when they tug on his ears or try to pull his tail. The same one that keeps a close watch over our family, and will sit with me when I am in tears.

Yes, yes I do believe it is worth it.

Maybe Next Year Big Tex

Well I just sent my daughter off to the great State Fair of Texas. We decided not to go as a family this year due to the sheer cost of parking, admission, and food. I'm sure we could have made it work, but it was decided that with a vacation just three weeks away saving a little wouldn't hurt. Kaylie got lucky with a free ticket from McDonalds and grandparents willing to tote her along.

I really thought I wouldn't miss it too much. The fair is a bit of a racket. Pay $15 to have hundreds of people try to hawk there stuff to you, and the privilege of signing up for free trips, cars, and money. Of course those freebie sign ups come at the cost of junk mail solicitation for the rest of your life, but hey it's a small price right? I just gave a lot of great reasons to not miss the fair, and yet I feel a twinge of sadness at missing this yearly fried fest. I actually have a lot of great memories from the fair. Chris and I went just a couple months after we started dating. We took a lot of silly pictures, ate a lot, and just had fun like kids. I don't know why, but that is a memory that always brings a well of nostalgia when I think of the fair. I also took Kaylie to the fair with my parents when she was barely a month old. I was home on maternity leave, which gets lonely for a new mom. My parents were nice enough to get me out of the house. Kaylie wasn't aware of much, but once again it was just one of those times that sticks with you. I still remember running all over the fair trying to find warm water to make a bottle. Then there was last year. I was working part time after having Micah. Chris took the day off and we all went to the fair. Micah was just a little older than Kaylie had been. It was just a lovely day with family. Kaylie even participated in her first backyard circus.

I suppose now I am just wanting to relive the memories and make more. The comforting thing to know is that Big Tex will always be there next year, along with free vacations, corn dogs, and knives so sharp you can cut steel.

Happy News

Good morning readers! Happy first day of October 2009. I am feeling more chipper than usual this morning. No, I did not get rid of the pile of laundry on my bed. Maybe that will be this evening. I am genuinly thrilled to announce that at work we have been given the privelege of working four 10 hour days which will give me a three day weekend. We are on a trial basis for two weeks, and if that goes well we will continue until the end of the year.

I cannot begin to tell you the things I will be able to get done with one extra day. The true reward is extra time with my kids. I will now be able to do some of those fun mom things like going to story time, an afternoon at the park, or just spending time doing this they like to do. It will only be for three months until we hit our busy season, but I will take whatever time I can get. I also hope to take advantage of this time to start with Kaylie on some preschool homeschooling materials. This really is an answer to prayer. I just wanted to share the good news.

Split Personality

I've been in sort of a sulky mood today. I can't pinpoint an exact cause, but I just feel tired and lackadaisacal. Now that is your S.A.T. word for the day, enjoy the fountain of knowledge I am imparting. This is your cue to roll your eyes at me.

The more I think about it I believe a good portion of my mood can be attributed to a pile of laundry that has rotated between my bed and the laundry basket since the weekend. I spent time cleaning other parts of the house this weekend. I gave myself a pass to delay laundry folding until a later date as a reward for all the other hard work. Ever since I have loathed the laid back Crystal of the weekend. Why oh why weekend Crystal, did you leave me with such a mess when you know good and well I am completely worthless during the work week?
I am still waiting for a reply.

I am also still trying to convince Kaylie that it is possible to keep her room clean during the week, not just on the weekends. This only means that I must make the time to supervise her cleaning efforts because every sane parent knows you cannot leave a four year old alone to clean their room. I suppose this is better than the alternative which includes me tripping over barbies and blocks when tucking the kids in or getting them up.

I believe we've come to the conclusion of this whole sulky bit. Weekend Crystal if you're reading, I'll be waiting for your apology.

Can't Slow It Down

I like to go back and read some of my old blogs from time to time. There is always a more objective viewpoint once some time has passed. I like to see where I have been and what I was thinking during different points of time. Today I was in one of those moods. I was reading some posts from the beginning of the year, and I honestly could not believe they were from that long ago. This year is flying past me.


I have seen my writing through peaks and valleys. I know it's not fabulous or anything, but it's just me and I can't apologize for that. I would say my only disappointment as I arrive soon at my one year with blogspot is the lack of comment or conversation. I myself am guilty of ghost reading blogs as well, so I should be preaching at myself. I know I have readers, at least that's what google analytics tells me. Hey I'm not picky, but if you have an opinion about something I write please feel free to share. In this big cyber world it can be nice to know a little more about the people out there.

I am ready to go home and see my kid's smiling faces, and then the deluge of requests will begin.
"Mommy, can I have a drink?"
"Mommy, can I have a snack?"
"Mommy, can I ride my bike outside?"
"Mommy, can you make Micah stop bothering me."

Oh how I love it though.