Before I launch into today's blog, I want to conclude a little bit from my last blog. I do not have much to say at this time, but God is doing a work in my heart and life. Each day is a new day with its own battles, but I have the promise of abiding peace in Jesus. I will share more about the journey a little farther down the road.
Although we are still a few months out from selling our house and moving, we have already begun the tedious task of consolidating, cleaning out, and throwing away all that we have collected over the years. I have a love-hate relationship with change as I believe many people do. There are times when I grow weary of the stale routine, but when change is on the horizon I find myself clinging to the comfort and security of what I know best. As I begin to take inventory of what will come with us and what will have to go I fondly recall the wonderful memories we have experienced in this home, our first home. I knew from the beginning this was not the place we would settle down, raise a family, and grow old in. It is still not easy to let go and realize someone else will one day move in and make their home here. Someone else will sleep in my room, someone else will move their things into the rooms my children have called their own. Another family with gather around a dinner table in the place we used to share meals. I know I am a little sentimental. We are transitioning into a new phase. In the end it will be better. Sooner than later we will find that place where we can put our roots down, as Chris would say.
I may pack up a lot of stuff, but I will keep the old memories along for the ride.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Some Things
The past... I tried to bury you under layers of time, but you rear your head at the most inopportune times.
No matter how many times I look in the mirror and see a 25 year old mom and wife, I can't help but see just a girl who is trying to put makeup over her scars. Most of the time I feel just fine, but there are moments in time, small fragments that shoot me back to those dark days. I felt so grown up then. I thought I was making choices of my own, even if they were bad, but I never really paid attention to the manipulation of my fragile state by so many men. Some who made a career out of being pastors, and others who were just lost and looking for an easy place to escape. I was a great target, fitting to be the "other" girl Somehow,someway so many made it to my doorstep, and foolish as I was I let them in. I just wanted to be loved, and to feel like I meant something to someone. In the end my self worth was left battered and abused. Now I know all is forgiven and their is hope and a future, but how do I forget? When does the guilt and self loathing go away? Why must life seem right one moment, and a dark vacuum the next?
My mind knows so much truth, but at times I feel my heart is lagging.
No matter how many times I look in the mirror and see a 25 year old mom and wife, I can't help but see just a girl who is trying to put makeup over her scars. Most of the time I feel just fine, but there are moments in time, small fragments that shoot me back to those dark days. I felt so grown up then. I thought I was making choices of my own, even if they were bad, but I never really paid attention to the manipulation of my fragile state by so many men. Some who made a career out of being pastors, and others who were just lost and looking for an easy place to escape. I was a great target, fitting to be the "other" girl Somehow,someway so many made it to my doorstep, and foolish as I was I let them in. I just wanted to be loved, and to feel like I meant something to someone. In the end my self worth was left battered and abused. Now I know all is forgiven and their is hope and a future, but how do I forget? When does the guilt and self loathing go away? Why must life seem right one moment, and a dark vacuum the next?
My mind knows so much truth, but at times I feel my heart is lagging.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Echoes of the Spirit
I must extend an apology for my missed post yesterday. Work has sped up just enough that it is difficult to keep a train of thought going as other things continue to take precedence.
I ended my last blog with reference to the jaded worshiper. It was not necesarrily the topic of the blog, but it is truly how I have been feeling for ahwile. My heart and spirit long after God, but my flesh feels so tired and weak. Cynicism and frustration often take their toll. Sunday night we gathered for Africa prayer watch. It was the first in over a month and to be honest Chris and I both felt less than enthused. What had been started to bring like minded people together to intercede on behalf of Africa had dwindled down to about six of us who were faithful on a regular basis. This was disappointing as so many people have gone on mission trips with my dad to Africa, and so many others had good intentions to come. Never the less here were were almost two years into it and the six of us labor away sometimes feeling like our prayers have accomplished little. As we launched into worship my heart felt so distant so blah.
We moved into a song called Jesus Be the Center and I felt the Spirit rise up inside of me. A line in the song says "Be the wind in theses sails." It was a perfect analogy for where I saw myself. Sometimes we have an idea of where we are going, but we have no idea how to get there. Sometimes our arms are tired from rowing with no direction. Sometimes we are not even sure where we are going anymore, but with Jesus as the wind in our sails were are guided and moved by the Spirit of the living God.
What can I pray? How do I pray? I have looked all around seeing godly men grow weary and men, once perceived as righteouss leaders, fall. It has become easier and easier to become isolated and disenchanted in the mass throngs of Christian culture that so often disappoint, but there is hope.
Romans 8:26-27
26In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;
27and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
In my darkest place and greatest weakness, the Spirit is interceding on my behald as well as yours. I felt something leap inside of me as I read such a passionate scripture. We are not lost or abandoned. The Spirit is intereceding, groaning on our behalf. Our hearts are being searched and purged according to the will of God.
Even in my dark, quiet hiding place, I am not alone. Even when I can do little, but cry out I hear the soft echo of the Spirit helping me in my weakness once more.
I ended my last blog with reference to the jaded worshiper. It was not necesarrily the topic of the blog, but it is truly how I have been feeling for ahwile. My heart and spirit long after God, but my flesh feels so tired and weak. Cynicism and frustration often take their toll. Sunday night we gathered for Africa prayer watch. It was the first in over a month and to be honest Chris and I both felt less than enthused. What had been started to bring like minded people together to intercede on behalf of Africa had dwindled down to about six of us who were faithful on a regular basis. This was disappointing as so many people have gone on mission trips with my dad to Africa, and so many others had good intentions to come. Never the less here were were almost two years into it and the six of us labor away sometimes feeling like our prayers have accomplished little. As we launched into worship my heart felt so distant so blah.
We moved into a song called Jesus Be the Center and I felt the Spirit rise up inside of me. A line in the song says "Be the wind in theses sails." It was a perfect analogy for where I saw myself. Sometimes we have an idea of where we are going, but we have no idea how to get there. Sometimes our arms are tired from rowing with no direction. Sometimes we are not even sure where we are going anymore, but with Jesus as the wind in our sails were are guided and moved by the Spirit of the living God.
What can I pray? How do I pray? I have looked all around seeing godly men grow weary and men, once perceived as righteouss leaders, fall. It has become easier and easier to become isolated and disenchanted in the mass throngs of Christian culture that so often disappoint, but there is hope.
Romans 8:26-27
26In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;
27and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
In my darkest place and greatest weakness, the Spirit is interceding on my behald as well as yours. I felt something leap inside of me as I read such a passionate scripture. We are not lost or abandoned. The Spirit is intereceding, groaning on our behalf. Our hearts are being searched and purged according to the will of God.
Even in my dark, quiet hiding place, I am not alone. Even when I can do little, but cry out I hear the soft echo of the Spirit helping me in my weakness once more.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Inadequacy
It is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. It has been a battle for as long as I can remember. It plagued me severely in my teen years and caused me to make some detrimental decisions in my quest for significance.
I often find myself just trying to stay ahead of myself. Many pursuits in life I have hoped would erase that feeling have left me still wanting, from working to earn a degree, trying to better myself through career advancement, and trying to set up a home life that would make myself proud. Still to no avail that feeling comes creeping back. The loneliness and the questioning can sometimes be too much to bear.
A scripture came to my mind last night in John 4:24. Jesus stated," God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth." I realize much of the interpretation behind this is that our actions or truth of our life be a reflection of the one we worship. As I was contemplating this I realize part of worshiping in spirit and in truth is acknowledging the truth that we are weak and incomplete in this flesh, but as we worship in spirit acknowledging that it is not us, but Christ in us that completes us we find the true center of worship. The truth is the enemy knows me well and will do everything possible to make sure I feel as inadequate as possible, but I hold on to the truth of the Spirit. It is the righteoussness of Christ that covers me, and in Him I am complete, a new creation.
Join me tomorrow as I delve deeper into the hiding place of the jaded worshiper.
I often find myself just trying to stay ahead of myself. Many pursuits in life I have hoped would erase that feeling have left me still wanting, from working to earn a degree, trying to better myself through career advancement, and trying to set up a home life that would make myself proud. Still to no avail that feeling comes creeping back. The loneliness and the questioning can sometimes be too much to bear.
A scripture came to my mind last night in John 4:24. Jesus stated," God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth." I realize much of the interpretation behind this is that our actions or truth of our life be a reflection of the one we worship. As I was contemplating this I realize part of worshiping in spirit and in truth is acknowledging the truth that we are weak and incomplete in this flesh, but as we worship in spirit acknowledging that it is not us, but Christ in us that completes us we find the true center of worship. The truth is the enemy knows me well and will do everything possible to make sure I feel as inadequate as possible, but I hold on to the truth of the Spirit. It is the righteoussness of Christ that covers me, and in Him I am complete, a new creation.
Join me tomorrow as I delve deeper into the hiding place of the jaded worshiper.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Happy Half Birthday Micah!
I love my baby boy. Today he turned six months old. He has really started to display his cute little personality. He is definitely a morning person. He goes to bed early and wakes up early. He laughs and talks about things we have yet to understand. He is on the verge of crawling. He gets on all fours and rock back and forth and then flips over and rolls all over the house. He is starting to eat solid foods which makes it fun for us to all sit down at the dinner table together. Our family just feels complete with him around. Here are a few pictures of my wonderful little man.
Micah on his birthday
Six months old and trying to sit up.
He loves his big sister.
Micah on his birthday
Six months old and trying to sit up.
He loves his big sister.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Running Till the Death
Oh Venezuela, my heart grieves for you. As your leader is gripped with the insatiable god complex that is the detriment of so many countries, I can only pray that you find peace and hope at the end of this dark tunnel.What a joke this is. Who can be surprised at the outcome of this vote when the man controls the government and oversees the election process? This is the outcome of a socialist agenda gone completely wrong. He may offer you a bit of food or shelter, but the price paid will be bitter to swallow.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Much Better
Saturday turned out to be much better than Friday. I finally broke down and apologized to Chris Friday afternoon. It helped clear the air and we were happy once more. Yesterday was the big love fest day. I personally have nothing against Valentines. Even when I had no one I was never one to dress in black or go indulge in overeating. Simply put, Valentines does nothing for me. Chris and I have gone out to dinner a few times before, but we just don't make a big deal out of it. I prefer birthday celebrations and random acts of love to a one day mandated holiday for it all. I just feel the day takes the personal factor out of it, but hey that's just me. If you do love Valentines than I hope you had a great one. The only reason I really do anything for the holiday is because of Kaylie. She loves every holiday, so I try to make them as special as possible. We taught her how to cut out little construction paper hearts (we did the cutting) and she received plenty of cookies and candy.
We spent our Saturday going to the park with the kids an then took Maverick to the doctor for a weight check up. At his yearly exam a month ago he weighed 122 lbs. We were told he needed to get to 100. I was so nervous about this weigh in. I have been trying to monitor him at all times so he doesn't help himself to extra treats around the house. He has been walking a lot more, but it is really hard to keep a yellow lab from scrounging. Well it turns out all of that hard work paid off. Maverick lost 8 lbs!!! The dr. was very happy with his progress. With a little more work Maverick will be the biggest loser =) The greatest reward for us is hoping we can keep him with us a few years longer.
After all of that excitement we were starving. We had spent week and a half eating all of our meals at home and bringing lunches to work. We are trying to stick to the budget and be a little more disciplined. This is a huge accomplishment for us as one of us usually ends up snagging a fast food meal at lunch during the work week. I had been craving some Chinese food for some time. We decided we could work in one meal out for the week at our favorite and very affordable Royal Panda. It was so awesome! You really do appreciate the little things more when you delay instant gratification.
We finished the day off by getting back to the plan and heading to the store for grocery shopping. This part is definitely a chore, but we always shop together so it's not too bad. All in all it was a good Saturday. Today we are going to go to the park and grill hot dogs as long as the weather is favorable. What a great weekend. I love my family!
We spent our Saturday going to the park with the kids an then took Maverick to the doctor for a weight check up. At his yearly exam a month ago he weighed 122 lbs. We were told he needed to get to 100. I was so nervous about this weigh in. I have been trying to monitor him at all times so he doesn't help himself to extra treats around the house. He has been walking a lot more, but it is really hard to keep a yellow lab from scrounging. Well it turns out all of that hard work paid off. Maverick lost 8 lbs!!! The dr. was very happy with his progress. With a little more work Maverick will be the biggest loser =) The greatest reward for us is hoping we can keep him with us a few years longer.
After all of that excitement we were starving. We had spent week and a half eating all of our meals at home and bringing lunches to work. We are trying to stick to the budget and be a little more disciplined. This is a huge accomplishment for us as one of us usually ends up snagging a fast food meal at lunch during the work week. I had been craving some Chinese food for some time. We decided we could work in one meal out for the week at our favorite and very affordable Royal Panda. It was so awesome! You really do appreciate the little things more when you delay instant gratification.
We finished the day off by getting back to the plan and heading to the store for grocery shopping. This part is definitely a chore, but we always shop together so it's not too bad. All in all it was a good Saturday. Today we are going to go to the park and grill hot dogs as long as the weather is favorable. What a great weekend. I love my family!
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